Brown Paper Packages Tied Up With Strings
These Are A Few Of My Favorite Things ...

Here it comes. A random smattering of observations and rantings. The holidays give me even more stuff to complain about! Look out.

1.) All of my Christmas cards have been signed, addressed, and compiled. I need to pick up pictures tonight, as well as stamps at the post office. UGH, I have to go to the post office. Have I mentioned my disdain for that angry little government agency?

2.) Tomorrow is December 1st. I can (officially) begin my quest for an AVP slot tomorrow. TheFirm has strict rules about internal recruiting ... you have to stay in your position for a year prior to "posting out" of it, unless you get your supervisor's written permission first. Umm, yeah ... I'd rather DIE than tell my boss that I'm leaving until it's a slam dunk. Anyhow, my year is up tomorrow. I have a personal goal of being an AVP by the time I'm 30, and it looks like I'll make it about two years (and change) early. I've already "unofficially" submitted my resume for two slots that are open, and there's a good chance (I'd guess 75%) that I'll get one of them.

4.) Today's Tuesday. Wing day. I'll take six mild wings, potatoes with cheese, and celery with ranch, please. Hey, if I have to tolerate the department behind me and their ongoing fetish with fat-laden foods ... might as well partake myself. If you can't ignore them, join em.

5.) I am Princess-less on Christmas this year (it's R's holiday). I just realized that I will be at Mom and Dad's house, celebrating what we are calling "The Faux Christmas" on the anniversary of my divorce being final. It's great that I will be so distracted on a day that will be admittedly quite tough to handle. Last year, I realized on that day that I had a great network of friends, a total support system that is worth its weight in gold. Do you know that some of The Others came down, drank lots of beer and wine with me, dismantled my VCR, stumbled to Meijer's to buy a new one, and then watched pageant tapes until we passed out? As I slept, they literally cleaned my house from top to bottom, and asked for nothing in return but my friendship. Incredible. Anyhow, I'm really lucky to have such a great "safety net" of family and friends.

6.) Back to the department behind me. This one bony-assed girl gets up and goes to the bathroom, literally, every hour on the hour. She lugs her big-ass handbag with her, and is gone for like, ten minutes. Then she stumbles back to her desk, clutching a kleenex and sniffling. Woman, if you want to put your paycheck up your nose, fine. Please don't do it at work, OK?

7.) Today's yet another Jay-Z day. Spinning today: "Me And My Girlfriend". Although I love this lyric: "All I need in this life of sin is me and my girlfriend ...", I share Mombi's love for the "Bounce, bitch ... bounce ..." in "Can I Get A Fuck You".

8.) I'm becoming annoyed with some of the holiday advertisements on TV. If I see one more "Polar Express" commercial, I'm going to have to cut someone. Furthermore, a local jeweler (The Diamond Cellar) has seen fit to run these advertisements that have the underlying message of "if you don't come to our store and buy a $10,000 pear-shaped diamond necklace for your wife, she will leave your bitch ass". First of all: pear shaped? ACK! Second: I HATE HATE HATE commercials around the holidays that send the message that your love for others is quantified by how much you spend. With me, it really is the thought that counts. Any jackoff can walk into Zales and say "Here's $300. Pick out something nice for my wife." As far as jewelry goes, I have a few really nice pieces that I wear every day. I can't imagine actually wearing a massive necklace like that to such pedestrian places as work, or Taco Bell. Then again, if I had a spare $10K lying about, and could spend it on jewelry like that, I suppose I'd have someplace to wear it.

OOOOH lunch is here ... more later!

Socially Responsible Behavior.

I have a nagging migraine, so today's post will be about a nice little cause I support. I learned of it from Eden's blog, and have become increasingly infuriated with the message that our government mandates to be presented to our children. My daughter will know the facts about sex, respect herself, and be raised in a loving and open environment. She will NOT be shamed, made to feel like she is "responsible" for the physical aspect of any relationship, or kept intentionally in the dark to feed the ego of some conservative jackass.

Please take some time to read the No New Money site. Pay special attention to the excerpts from the "textbooks" that are used to teach our children. Write to your representatives and express your opinion.

I will be watching you and if I find that you are trying to corrupt my first born child, I will bring you down, baby. I will bring you down to Chinatown. -- Robert De Niro as Jack Byrnes in "Meet The Parents"

Well, spank me. I have been a bad, bad blogger. Has it really been since Thursday since I updated you all? Apologies all around. I was going to let this wait until tomorrow, but I was upstairs tossing and turning ... maybe getting this posted will let me sleep? OK, maybe getting this posted and taking some sort of pill that ends in the letters "PM" ... anyhow ... about that long holiday weekend.

After dining on the sumptuous Martini family turkey (as photographed in Thursday's post), there were naps taken, football games watched, more turkey and sweet potato pie eaten, and grandmothers returned to their respective nursing homes.

Black Friday was not spent in the usual manner. And by "usual manner", I mean "beating up bored housewives at the early bird sales because I'm a bitch on a mission". Operating capital did not allow for the usual trip to Target upon their harried opening (side note: is it getting earlier every year, or is it just me?). Instead, I waited until Princess was vertical for the day, and then made the trip to a Target near mom and dad's house (that is historically not a very busy one). Have you ever attempted to shop on the biggest shopping day of the year with a two-year-old? Christ on a cracker, that was interesting. Actually, Princess was pretty damned good, considering. I bought her the special from the snack bar (small soda and a small popcorn) for $1 ... best dollar I've ever spent. That occupied her to where I could actually get some shopping done. I bopped around a while and tried to think about what to get for D (I have two three things already, but I am really at a loss for some other stuff). I picked up a cute shirt for his daughter and a fancy hair thingy that Princess grabbed and said "Oh MOMMY! It's so cuuuuute! Dis is ... dis is for Jasmine.", and wrapped that up for her for Hannukkah (she's half Jewish, and D tries to celebrate the Jewish holidays in a small capacity to keep that as part of her life until she's able to make that whole "God" decision on her own). I also got her a My Little Pony with its own tiara for Christmas, and will stack it with her other stuff that I already have purchased for her. I'm DONE with Jasmine! WHOO HOO! How cool is that? I also got myself some flannel jammies. See, during the little jaunt to D's grandparents' house in NYC over Christmas, I don't think that sleeping in the buff will go over all that well. I also hit the totally pimp sale at Bath And Body Works and scooped up some wares for Princess' sitters (I always buy them something for Christmas).

After I got back to the parents' house, D called and he was bummed out. His ex actually, wonder of all wonders, exercised her visitation option. Piss poor time for her to decide to be a mom, but I digress ... he was pretty bummed out. So after a quick consultation with my mom, I called him back and told him to get his happy ass up to mom and dad's and we'd go grab some dinner and stuff. Almost three hours later ... D met the parents.

We hit up Swenson's for a late dinner, then came back to hang out with the 'rents. Went to bed at about 11 or so ... went to sleep about 1 AM, in true H and D style. How shameful, we got busy in my parents' house. Damn, being quiet is hard work!

Saturday morning, we got up, and moseyed into the kitchen. I made some of my trademark pancakes, and we ate ourselves silly. D went all "Rip Van Winkle" on me, and took a four hour nap. Hey man, when you are a single parent, you take full advantage of any and all "down time" you can get ... I caught a nice long hot shower and a nap m'self.

Saturday night after all of us got a well-deserved nap, we scooped up Princess and zipped over to my sister's house. She lives really close to Lake Anna Park, and they lit up the Christmas lights. Some of my sister's friends came over and hung out with us too (I tried not to obviously ogle her very pretty engagement ring, for fear of allowing myself to ask the inevitable "when's the big day" question ... the owner of said ring is due with their son any day now), then we went and walked around the lake when the lights came on. I took a few photos with the new camera phone, here's one of Princess looking really closely at some of the lights ...



We got back to mom and dad's house about 10:30, noted that my beloved Irish closed out the regular season with a loss to USC, bitched appropriately about how it will end up being USC vs. Oklaslowma in the Orange Bowl, put Princess down to bed, and then went to bed ourselves. I was super-tired and cranky, and was just ready to pass the hell out. But yet again ... no sleep till nearly 1 AM. Why, you ask? Because, yet again, we got busy in my parents' house. Could it be that Martini has finally met her match? Hmmmm ...

Sunday morning, eggs and bacon all around. My dad left for hunting camp at about 11, and then D and I did our civic duty ... we went out to the nursing home to see my grandmother. (Reference for those of you that don't understand why I am grumbling about this ... she spouts needlessly insensitive things sometimes, particularly when it comes to my personal life. For a small taste, read this post.) D was a total champ about it, and all was well. I maintain that he was only able to tolerate her because I had him all loaded up on Robek's before we went there. After Grandma, we went to Michael's to buy a new scrapbook. I needed a new one for Princess, as I recently noted that my pages with The Others and our debaucherous trip to Atlantic City didn't mesh well with all of the sweet Princess photos. A page titled "Yay For Vodka!" just doesn't play out well with "Baby's First Steps", you know?

Anyhow, as if there were any question whatsoever at this point: Ladies and gentlemen ... D is a total, total keeper. In one weekend, he's managed to meet my mother, my father, my sister, her husband, and my grandmother. And ALL gave him the thumbs-up. Next up: THE OTHERS. That'll be sink-or-swim time there, buddy.

Anyhow, time for bed. I'm exhausted. The drive home wasn't bad at all, just long. People tend to lose all sense of sanity and manners when a holiday weekend is involved. I can't wait to just sprawl out in my bed and pass the hell out. OK, that's a lie. I'd like for D to be in it with me, as I realize that I sleep better when he's there.

Princess is upstairs, fighting sleep like no other, and I just want her to give up the ship. She's had a long weekend of partying and eating a ton of junk, and I think it's officially caught up with me. I mean her. Dammit.

Till tomorrow ... love to all.

What A Fowl Day.

Happy Thanksgiving to all! I have a lot to be thankful for this year, but mostly that I've managed to make it through still alive.

Here's a photo of the Martini family turkey*. I made it myself.



I woke up this morning at 6:30 to get the bird in. As I was standing there (with my hand up the turkey's ass) rockin' out to a little Alicia Keys and Usher, I looked out back up to the lower forty (OK, not really ... my folks only have about 1.5 acres). And my heart just sank into my stomach. I almost threw up a little.

THERE. WAS. SNOW.

Look. My truck is covered in the white crap.


And the neighbors' woods? Covered.


Ahhh yes, late November in Northeast Ohio.


* OK, so that's not really our bird. But only because I didn't think about doing that. I really googled for a turkey photo, found that gem, and lifted it (but saved it to my own webspace) from a dandy blog that you should click here to read.

How to Avoid Flu, "The Others" style.

Here's some great advice to give to those who are unable to get FLU SHOTS - courtesy of Mombi and the rest of The Others.

Eat right! Make sure you get your daily dose of fruits and veggies.

Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin C.

Get plenty of exercise, because exercise helps build your immune system. Walk for at least hour a day, go for a swim, take the stairs instead of the elevator, etc.

Wash your hands often. If you can't wash them, keep a bottle of antibacterial stuff around. - Get lots of fresh air. Open windows
whenever possible.

Get plenty of rest.

Try to eliminate as much stress from your life as you can.

OR ...

You can take the doctors office approach. In fact, "The Others" recommend this. Think about it, when you go for a shot, what do they do first? Clean your arm with alcohol. Why? Because alcohol kills germs.

So ...

I walk to the liquor store (exercise), I put extra lime in my Mojitos (fruit), celery in my Bloody Mary (veggies), drink on the bar patio (fresh air), get drunk, tell stupid jokes, and laugh (eliminate stress) and then pass out (rest).

The way I see it, if you keep your alcohol levels up flu germs can't get you!

Can I Get A ...

Spinning today, courtesy of LawnBoy is a nice smattering of Jay-Z. Yes, it's true ... Sista Martini loves her a little gangsta rap from time to time. OK, a lot of gangsta rap, a lot of the time. It sounds much better in my truckster (have I mentioned lately how much I miss my beloved Bose stereo, since I've been driving my mom's car all over town?) than in this God-forsaken Dell.

Anyhow, it's very much a "Can I Get A Fuck You" kind of day. Many good things have been transpiring today ... and I'm sure there's more to come. Let's break it down.

My POS Motorola keeps dropping calls ... I called Verizon's customer service today and made them run an analysis on my percentage of dropped calls and it's pushing 8%. They asked what would make me happy, and I told them that a brand new camera phone for the promotional price would please me. And they said ... done. Hmph. Here I was looking forward to keepin my pimp hand strong, and they denied me the opportunity to beat my bitches down. That's OK though, I'm a lova not a fighta. On Monday, Verizon Wireless will be delivering my brand spank-me new camera phone. Specifically, an LG VX6100 with flash and 4x optical zoom. Yes kiddies, I realize the potential for the many uses of said camera phone. This will be blog fodder for months on end. Stay tuned.

BCS News: This may be old news to some of y'all, but I totally missed the fact that the BCS would happen next year with one "championship" game at the end. GOOD. Although I sincerely hope that this is the beginning of a move to a standard "playoff" structure, I fear that (as my co-worker Jason said earlier) this is only a meager way of throwin' the fans a bone. I mean, I've never made a secret of the fact that I HATE the current BCS structure. It's dumb. If they had a playoff structure it would afford the smaller colleges (that are all but excluded in the current structure) a chance to run at the title if their records and teams held up well enough.

ABC, in their infinite wisdom, fucked up the Miss America pageant this year, and they were holding back the BCS and getting ready to send it down the same road. Thankfully, the BCS folks are a bit more intelligent than the Miss America folks, because they got out to Fox while the gettin' was good. ABC has, after all, done such a stellar job with all of their other programming in recent history (save "Desperate Housewives", of course).

This weekend starts the holiday season ... Thanksgiving with my family is always a treat, because I cook. Moms can cook, but I don't get the chance to do that too much anymore. So when I do get to cook, I go WILD. Turkey Day generally consists of my getting up at 7 and getting the bird in, and then watching the Macy's parade, eating, sleeping, watching football, eating, sleeping, etc. etc. ad infinitum. D's daughter is half Jewish (her mother is Orthodox), and he tries to celebrate the holidays in a small capacity to keep her remembering her heritage. So, this will be my first experience with Chanukah. And then ... CHRISTMAS. R has Princess for Christmas, so D, his daughter, and I are headed to NYC to meet the grandparents. There will be a fair share of both city time with just the two of us, as well as doing the "family thing". New Years ... the plans are currently in the works to celebrate in Cinci with MAV and crew.

Damn, all that made me tired. Off to go look like I'm working some more.

Holla.

What If God Was One Of Us?
and other monday musings

Interesting question raised by a co-worker today during the course of time-killing conversation.

What if God really was walking around the streets of Earth, in human form? You know, much like as Alanis did in "Dogma"? What would He / She look like? What would He / She do with His / Her day?

Some interesting possibilities raised by the two of us included both Jenna Jameson (wonder who raised THAT one ...) and of course Alanis Morrisette. Some other ones that would blow my mind include: Kevin Smith (but only when he's in "Silent Bob" mode), Jennifer Lopez (come on, how else can you get married that many times without remorse ... being a deity would get you instant absolution from any perceived sin), and Woody Hayes / Ara Parseghian (both of whom are already deified in the eyes of some college football fans).

Even more intriguing of a question: If you knew, definitively, that God actually took human form ... would you behave differently? Knowing that it was a distinct possibility that you could work in the next office, flip Him / Her off at an intersection, or even go to the same school as kids?

This is all far too deep of a conversation for a Monday ... particularly when Martini's had very little sleep. D has been having bouts of insomnia recently, and this impacts MY sleep pattern when he tosses and turns and is awake at 2 AM. This, in turn, wakes ME up. Then, as atonement for his sin of waking me up from my beauty sleep, he must amuse me. But hey now ... he's good at it, so who's really complaining about THAT? ** looks around innocently **

NYC UPDATE: We're leaving Cow-Town at 9 PM on 12/22. It's about a 9 hour drive into Staten Island (where we're staying). That should land us there about 6 AM. Catch a few Z's, and then head into the city. Game plan will also involve the strong possibility of checking out The Today Show on Christmas Eve early AM. Watch for me on TV! We'll leave on 12/27 in the AM, and get back into Columbus about 7 or 8 PM. If you're in the NYC area and you want to "do lunch" or something, let me know.

NEW YEAR'S EVE UPDATE: Anyone in for a little Cinci / Northern KY (heh heh ... she said KY) fun? MAV and I want to party like it's 1999, and we're going to drag the boys with us. Drop me a line if you're in.

An Open Letter To The Nice Folks Of Michigan.



Seriously ... after the ass-whoopin that the Wolverines took at the hands of the Buckeyes yesterday, you'd think they'd have had enough.

Nope.

I watched Drew Henson's NFL debut today. As UM's "favorite son", he got drafted by the Cowboys. Thinking this would be a great investment, they put him in after Testaverde threw away the game. They figured ... "hey, how bad could it be?"

Well, let's see just how bad it could be ... first pass, he promptly got sacked. And whilst he laid on his back like a Michigan cheerleader, the ball bounced away and was then recovered by the Ravens. Who then, consequently, scored yet another touchdown.

Dear University of Michigan, your football team, and your alumni: You suck, and that's sad.

Saturday Linky Goodness ... Buckeyes Style.

Although I've been a lifelong resident of Ohio, I've managed to circumvent the mass hysteria and obsession that is the Ohio State Buckeyes. Sure, I root for the hometown team, but I'm not a freak about it. But I have, indeed, inherited the general disdain for the jackoffs that play for the University of Michigan.

In Martini's football hierarchy, there are two teams at the top of the pyramid ... the Irish, and whoever is playing Michigan. And today ... that's the hometown team, the Buckeyes of The Ohio State University.

So, keeping with the "GO BUCKEYES" spirit, may I present a few funny jokes ... courtesy of the nice folks at Muck Fichigan and Rival Fanatics. Enjoy.

Q: What do you call a Michigan cheerleader with two brain cells?
A: Pregnant.

Q: What do you say to a Michigan player in a 3 piece suit?
A: Will the defendant please rise?

Newsflash - The University of Michigan library burned to the ground. All three books were destroyed. The football team is very upset because they had not yet colored in two of them.

Q: How do you get a Michigan girl into an elevator?
A: Grease her hips, and throw in a Twinkie.

This one's for Pete ...
Q: Why hasn't Ohio fallen into Kentucky?
A: Because Michigan SUCKS.

Q: How many Michigan freshman does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None, it's a sophomore course.

A Michigan football player was nearly killed in a horrible horseback riding accident. He was thrown off the horse and almost got trampled. Thank God the K-Mart manager came out and unplugged it.

Q: Why did the Michigan Wolverine stop having phone sex?
A: Because the little holes hurt too much.

Q: What is the only sign of intelligent life in Michigan?
A: The freeway sign that says "Columbus, 192 miles".

And finally ... proof that the Wolverines make the baby Jesus cry ...

After Bo Schembechler dies and enters the Pearly Gates, God takes him on a tour. He shows Bo a little two-bedroom house with a faded Michigan Wolverines banner hanging from the front porch.

"This is your house, coach. Most people don't get their own houses up here," God says.Bo looks at the house, then turns around and looks at the one sitting on top of the hill.

It is a huge three-story brick mansion with white marble columns and little patios under all of the windows. OSU Buckeyes flags line both sides of the sidewalk and a huge "Go Bucks" banner hangs between the marble columns while the OSU fightsong blares from hidden speakers.

"Thank you for the house, God. But let me ask you a question. I get this little two-bedroom house with a faded banner, and Woody Hayes gets a mansion with new Ohio State Buckeyes banners and flags flying all over the place."

"Why is that?"

God looks at him seriously for a moment.

"That's not Woody's house," God says. "That's mine."

Most human beings are driven to seek security and comfort. But there is another group that can only thrive on change and the unexpected of New York. - Cathleen Nesbit

Over Christmas, Martini is going to the homeland. Princess has to spend it with her father this year, so I'm goin' to The Big Apple with D. Yes folks, I'm finally making the trip to New York City.

I've always maintained that I am a big-city girl trapped in a midwestern town. One of my favorite places to be (other than Aruba or St. Martin, obviously) is Washington, D.C. I love the bustle of the city, the close proximity of all the great things to do, the fabulous public transportation systems ... all of it. If Princess wasn't a factor (and mom wasn't sick), I would totally move to D.C. in a heartbeat. I can't wait to get to NYC and see everything I've only seen photos of! And I can't wait to do it all with D.

But the geography of the trip is a part of why I'm so excited. See, I'm going to meet the family. D's grandparents (whom he's very close to), specifically. I struggled with actually going and doing this ... not because I don't want to meet them, but instead because of my undying terror of actually committing to a relationship. D has never given me anything but pure joy and happiness, but I suppose that old habits die hard. I made excuse after excuse about why I shouldn't go, why I couldn't go. And The Others put it into perspective for me, that I should stop allowing the "roadblocks" to get in my way and just go all Nike on the situation ... just do it.

Princess is hanging out with me tonight and tomorrow, as R has tix to the OSU/Michigan game tomorrow. She's crashed in her Pooh chair (that thing is so ugly ... I truly think it's possessed), eating animal cookies, and wearing her Buckeye necklace that Auntie Lexy sent to her. I wonder if I could teach her to say "Michigan Sucks" ...

Well. Thank God That's Over.

I am so glad that I'm done with the test. Don't ask me how I did, because I honestly can't tell you. See, they have some "pre-test" questions that aren't scored ... but they don't tell you which ones and how many. Out of the 125 questions, you have no idea which ones count and for how much. Here's the explanation of how they score the damn thing ... http://www.theiia.org/iia/index.cfm?doc_id=4774

So, realistically, I just pretty much handed them my exam sheet and said "Here ya go ... just tell me if I passed, mmmkay? I trust ya."

Anyhow, I'm totally brain-drained. I feel like a deflated balloon. Off to find some dinner here soon. And I think that a nap is not only in order, but well-deserved.

So much for never giving my 100%.

I just took my final "practice" test for my CCSA exam. I got 100%. And I can justify WHY I answered each question the way I did.

I'm really nervous, but at this point it's out of my hands. I've studied my ass off, I've worked really hard at this, and I am as ready as I'm going to be. I'm not particularly religious, as you know, but I do think that God has a plan for everyone ... I'm just hoping that His plan involves me passing this exam and then getting a job where I can afford to do the things I like to do (travel being the #1).

I'm going to spend some time at my friendly neighborhood Starbucks tonight studying (specifically, the Starbucks on State Street in Westerville, Ohio ... Route 3 just north of Schrock). I plan on staying till at least 9 ... hey Burdie, you in? I know that if I'm home, I'll be tempted to get online or watch TV. So, to remove the temptation, I'll go load my happy ass up on Frappucinos until my A.D.D.-raddled brain can no longer process information. Then, I'll go home and drink some beer. Yur Drunk blog, here I come ...

I'm also going to stop on my way home and buy myself some supa-fly pencils at OfficeMax.

I just noticed that this is the fifth consecutive paragraph that I started with the pronoun "I". It really is all about me, isn't it?

Martini's To-Do List For The Morning.

1. Get luscious blueberry muffin from cafe and eat it.
2. Raid supply cabinet for mechanical pencils.
4. Stress out about impending life-changing test tomorrow afternoon. - ONGOING OBJECTIVE
5. Chase down remaining documentation from surly business partners.
6. Shoot dirty looks at people having a full-blown meeting in the hallway behind my desk.
7. Get Krispy Kreme donut from the IP department and eat it.
8. Eat half a tube of Tums to soothe upset tummy from eating aforementioned muffin and donut.
9. Rant and rave about how Jerry O'Connell got shafted because he wasn't voted the "Sexiest Man Alive" this year.
10. Raid supply cabinet for new highlighters.
11. Address Christmas cards.
12. Yell at the incompetent imbiciles in the mail room for losing three boxes' worth of documentation from our San Diego office.
13. Think of ways to skate out early so that I can get a good spot at Panera or Starbucks to study.
14. Actually decide whether I want to go to Panera or Starbucks to study.

Out of the darkness and into the sun
But I won't forget the place I come from

Today's Title Song: "Breakaway" by Kelly Clarkson

Last night, I had to kinda "duke it out" with R. See, I am a bit control-freakish (NO! YOU DON'T SAY!), and I like to know when I have Princess (remember, R and I have shared parenting) so that I can plan appropriately. I put together a calendar, one quarter at a time, so that I know when I'm the responsible adult and when I get to have no responsibility like when I was 21. He, on the other hand, is perfectly accepting of the "fly by the seat of my pants" mentality ... and I just can't run MY life like that. I'm far too busy.

Anyhow, we had a "conversation" last night about the upcoming quarterly calendar. He wanted me to rearrange the calendar to accommodate TheBarWhore's (yes, I'm still bitter) visitation schedule with her kids, so that they could have free time together and the kids together. All "family-like". How Norman Rockwell of
them.

That conversation (OK, let's be honest ... minor discussion that almost escalated to argument when I let fly with "Oh so she's more than just a fuck-buddy now, eh?") took a lot out of me, emotionally. I really had to reconcile what was important to me last night, as well as test my own "boundaries and issues and shit". After the end of that conversation, I wanted to just curl up in a ball in the living room with my daughter on my lap and just cry big crocodile tears. I could really just throw a monkey wrench into his life by refusing to budge on the visitation schedule (like HER ex did), but as always I take the moral high road. I held my head high and "did the right thing". The reworked Q1 calendar went out this morning with a note explaining that, against my better judgment, I would do whatever I could to accommodate TheBarWhore's schedule because I knew it would make him happy. For someone that makes a living at being a professional bad-ass, I certainly don't do so great at it with my personal life.

How much more must I deal with, how much longer, until I get to the "acceptance" stage of grief? Because I keep flipping back and forth between the stages of "depression" and "anger". I mean, it's been a damned year already. Then again, it's been ten years and I'm still not over the Boston College / Notre Dame thing. But, I digress ...

I'm so lucky that D is truly an understanding and patient man. His drama with his ex is far more pronounced due to her less-than-stellar parenting skills, but he has to deal with her less and less. See, she doesn't really bicker about visitation ... he's got pretty much sole custody with the ex having visitation every other weekend, if she chooses to take it. But generally, she doesn't. He showed up as I was concluding the conversation last night, and I was visibly shaken. Well, as visibly shaken as I will let anyone really see. He endured my bad mood (bordering on depression), taunted me with talk of a road trip to NYC (his family's originally from there), and allowed me to soundly ridicule him as I put up my Christmas tree. He knew damned well why I was all bummed out, and he had a smile and a big hug for me. He's a total champ.

Anyways, my head is pounding. People have seen fit to miss deadlines now for TWO CONSECUTIVE DAYS. This is the sort of shit that makes the baby Jesus cry. How am I supposed to "go to bat" for these people if they can't manage to turn in some f-ing paperwork by not only ONE deadline, but a second EXTENDED deadline?

I swear. People (with one exception) just enjoy torturing me a bit too much. At least there is some saving grace in this God Forsaken World ... I have Christmas cards with martinis on them. Watch your mailboxes, kiddies. Princess and I are getting our photos taken on Saturday and the cards will go out by the 1st of December.

My Liver! My Liver!
Lower, You Dumb-ass!
::: grabs testicles :::
My Liver! My Liver!

For those that don't grasp high-brow comedy (or the fact that I really don't have testicles) ... that quote is from Beavis And Butt-Head.

My tummy hurts, my brain hurts ... I just am a whiny girl today.
Today's Girlfriend's birthday. I won't say how old she is, but shall we just say that today she's earned a big ol' neon-orange "Advanced Maternal Age" sticker on her OB/GYN chart? I took her to lunch today, and I asked her where she wanted to go. She said "First Watch". So, off we went. My Caps, Etc. are sitting like sludge in my already upset tummy. I'm thinking it's a ramen soup kind of dinner tonight. More broth than noodles, thankyouverymuch.

I'm mentally fried. I'm totally ready for The Test on Thursday, I think. I'm overwhelmed with how much information I have swimming about in my head, and the pressure I have put on myself to pass this exam is so great. I know that I will be stuck in this position until I pass it, because I need that "boost" on my resume to step seamlessly into an AVP job. New job = more money ... and that would be a great thing as well. I have so many things I want to do, so many places I want to go (cough St. Louis cough New York City cough) ... but for right now, operating capital isn't what we like to call "cooperative". At the end of the day though, pass or fail, I still have a great job that enables me to put a nice roof over my family's head, food on the table, and gas in my car. I'd just like to not have to worry as much about spending money and budgeting down to the very last dime. But I'll still have to balance my checkbook every day ... but only because I'm OCD like that. Why can't I just win Mega Millions already, and Girlfriend and I can open up our scrapbooking store and be done with this whole pesky work thing?

Speaking of that pesky work thing. As I had a four-day weekend, people here at TheFirm took that liberty to just ignore my directives. I got here this morning to a clean and empty desk. Why is that so bad? Well, because I had directed a major deliverable for Friday, and NO ONE MET IT. I am sick and tired of babysitting these people, and then getting left to work extra hours to run behind them with a pooper-scooper to hide their ineptitude. I deal with cleaning up after a child at home, and I'm cool with that. I mean, I did give birth to her and all. But these people (of which the majority are higher ranking and better paid than I) do not get such a "pass".

Christmas Music! It's on some of the radio stations here in Cow-Town! I'm currently spinning my beloved Music From The OC: Mix 3 - Chrismukkah. I pulled out my decorations last night, and I'm going to get the tree set up tonight. It's one of those trees that you have to put up, then let it settle and fix the branches ... let it settle, then fix the branches ... last year it took like FOUR ROUNDS of this to look nice. That's OK, I have time.

Off to beat information out of people some more.

T Minus Four Days And Counting.

My CCSA exam is on Thursday afternoon. It is unreal ... the fact that it's like ... well, four days away. My brain is full - I don't think I can absorb any more information. When I pass the exam, I'm going to get my nose pierced (I want one of those teensy-weensy diamond studs on the right side of my nose), and head on over to Diamond Cellar and buy myself THIS ...

Of course, I'd like to visit the original Tiffany And Co. store in NYC, but hey ... that's not likely to happen anytime in the near future.

Work is going to be a bee-yotch this week. Not sure if I'll have Princess this weekend, as R has tix to the OSU/Michigan game. I'm so uber jealous. Ya hear that, Miata? He'll be THERE. I say we beat him up and steal his tickets. We can take him. Kidding! Kidding! OK ... I'm only kinda kidding.

Anyhow, I got some of my Christmas shopping done today. Picked up one thing for D, and two things for his daughter. I'm done with Princess, and my family is all getting framed photos of us (which are getting taken this weekend). I'm notorious for picking up bunches of small and very meaningful gifts instead of one big one. I like to put thought, and time, and effort into gifts. I don't just pick them arbitrarily out of a catalog ... I shop and scheme for a little while, then actually start buying mid-November.

Speaking of D ... off to chat him up for a bit longer then it's night night time for me. I've decided that sleeping alone isn't all it's cracked up to be ... having the entire bed to yourself is highly overrated when there could be someone wonderful in it with you.

Lameness Abounds In Martini-Land.

So, it's a Saturday night. Less than twenty-four hours ago, I was gettin some serious lovin. But tonight? Here I sit, blogging for your pleasure. My father is down in the living room snoring like the old man he is, and my mother (whose eye is healing nicely from surgery) is snoring right along with him. When did I turn into such a party girl? Don't answer that.

May I reiterate my sheer hatred for Kyle Orton and the Boilermakers? They piss me off far more than the average football team should be allowed to. They've managed to hammer yet another nail into Tressel's coffin. As D says, "Tressel-ball should be just about over soon. Geiger's too corporate for this shit." He's right ... Geiger's got several real nasty scandals to hang his hat on, and he needs to hit the eject button on Tressel before he gets even dirtier.

And yeah, the Irish lost. And fucking Boston College won again today. I know. It's been ten years. I really need to let it go now.

Tomorrow: A trip to Target is in my future for this little gem. I need it. I must have it. And also, I have to go to a bridal shower for a family friend. I'm going to put on the happy face and smile and shit. And there won't even be anything worthwhile there (like beer or mimosas). Have I mentioned this week that I hate being the family spokesperson?

Anyhow, here's some Saturday Linky Goodness for y'all. Enjoy.

Check out "Person Price". Like Nicole, I'm actually a bit confuzzled that how much I masturbate somehow factors into this price. I'm worth $1,933,059.05!

I'm seriously considering writing a short story for the Writer's Digest 5th Annual Short Story Contest. I am nowhere near the same league of writing capability as Eden, but it might be fun just to give it a whirl. Although, admittedly, most of my best work is certainly not the stuff of mainstream fiction. Shall I say that it leans more toward erotica?

"[I recommend] ... bread, meat, vegetables and beer."
Sophocles' philosophy of a moderate diet

So last night, before D's refreshing shower (interestingly enough, he did choose the Black Raspberry Vanilla gel over the Eucalyptus Spearmint), we enjoyed another crock-pot full of Martini's Special Beef Stew with fresh bread. And bless the man ... he brought beer to accompany it.

Oh it was HEAVENLY.

But not as nearly as heavenly as the chocolate mousse that we had for dessert. 9 1/2 Weeks, anyone?

I think I'm in love. ::: swoon :::

How Bizarro Is That?

D is in my shower, as we speak. No, I'm not helping him, you dirty birds. See, he came here from work.

One can only hope he's not spending a little too much "me time" with my Black Raspberry Vanilla shower gel.

It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life. ~ Rita Rudner

I must be the luckiest person in the whole wide world. Really. Because instead of just one person to annoy, I have all of you.

A year ago today, I started blogging. I started because I needed a venue to let out some of the thoughts that were swimming in my head, and I missed keeping a journal. I started the original blog (How Martini Got Her Groove Back) just to let some of my writing juices start flowing again. Then, I realized how much I hated EasyJournal's interface, and then I came to Blogger. I started blogging as "Grey Goose Cosmo" ... my favorite drink. After a slight mishap (read: sending an email to business associates with my link in the tagline), I moved here to "not-so-dirty laundry".

Over the past year, I have seriously learned to live again. It sounds so dramatic, but it's true. In the turn of the wheel of this year, I've managed to do all of the following things, and then some. Each line is linked to the accompanying story. Enjoy. And pick somethin' off my wish list and send it to me to celebrate. I like presents and stuff.

Hooked up with my first love for one last fling
Got a tattoo
Ranted about random shit
Hated Valentine's Day
Wallowed in self-pity
Saw Jordan Knight in concert
Ranted about my shrink
Helped one of my best friends move away
Turned 27, without major incident
Wallowed in more self-pity
Wallowed in self-pity on The Wedding Anniversary
Cried seemingly endless tears for sweet little Lily
Had a feminist rant
Went on a date
Was there when a good friend won Miss Ohio
Got my head out of my ass
Found out a guy I dated was married, not seperated as he claimed
Bedded a man that is quite possibly the hottest guy I've ever dated
Discovered AudioBlogger
Remembered why I hate anything cinnamon flavored or scented
Fried three (yes, three) computers
Ranted about more random shit
Shared one of the most painful moments of my life with you
Spilled "The Ex-Files"
Fell for someone I shouldn't have, and didn't intend to
Ranted about TheFirm
Let go of my one remaining heartache
Met up with Beej during a road-trip to see TheBoy
Spent a weekend in Atlantic City with The Others (Friday, Saturday, and Sunday)
Got back to Mass on a regular basis
Dated a guy
Dated yet another guy
Went on still another date ... and realized that I like this one
Ranted about narrow-minded ass-hats
Got close to needing a padded cell
Threw out my "confirmed bachelor" status, and started a new chapter in my life

He is a cow! It's Mooby Cow!
Oh sweet Bovine, our lives to you we vow!
We want him now! That Mooby Cow!
'Cause we're all soldiers in the Mooby Troops, Ka-Pow!

In case you even had to ask: Title song is "The Mooby Song" from the movie "Dogma".

Yesterday was D's daughter's 5th birthday. Yes, you read that right, you people that know my "rules". Anyhow, as he has primary custody (and his ex is a tool that couldn't see fit to be bothered with her daughter on her birthday ... but I digress ...), the birthday festivities were kinda up to him. I somehow was special enough to rate an invite, and asked the stupid question: Where Do You Want To Go For Your Birthday, Sweetie? And of course, what do normal five-year-olds say? McDonald's.

So, we zipped over to the McD's over at Easton (the one with the big play area) and just let her run crazy. D says she still has a birthday hangover. I usually have that issue too, but mine is generally relegated to the residual effects of vodka and beer ... instead of pseudo-meat hamburgers and fried carbohydrates dipped in tomato paste.

This is going to be a fun weekend. Tomorrow is an important day for several reasons:

1.) Veteran's Day. Take a moment and thank someone that you know that served in our Armed Forces. You don't have to agree with the war, but these people give their lives so that people like you and I can be safe and warm in our happy-ass suburban homes.

2.) It's My Blogiversary. I've already written a "year in review" post. It's kinda scary to see what I've done and where I've been in a year. Look for it tomorrow!

4.) Bank Holiday. As is tradition, I go scrapbooking with other folks with TheFirm on any bank holiday. A whole day of girly fun!

5.) Kickoff Of A Four-Day Weekend. Four blissful days away from TheFirm. Have scrapbooking on Thursday, Princess on Thursday night (OC is on, too!). Friday, studying all day, then D at night. Saturday (whenever I get out of bed), off to Crackron to see mom Saturday night, then to a friend's wedding shower on Sunday. Back to the grind on Monday, though. Blech.

Oh, and just in case you thought I'd forget about this: How 'bout them Suck-eyes? What do you make of Clarett coming forward to ESPN about the "alleged" (wink wink) improprieties with Ohio State's football program? Around here, people are villifying Maurice, saying he's a liar (well, duh) and that the only reason he did that was to up his chances of placement in the NFL Draft. I don't think breaking "ranks" like that is going to help him any, kids. I do, however, think there is some shred of truth to what he's alleging.

Come on now, you really think that Division I schools don't throw money, cars, and women at their athletes? Get your head out of the sand. It happens. The trick is: DON'T GET CAUGHT. I know it sounds cliche, but I'm really disappointed in Tressel. I thought he was more of a man than this. Virtue be damned ... I thought he was SMARTER than this. And as for Geiger ... he's about to find a foot square in his ass. First, the Cooper drama. Then, O'Brien and last year's basketball drama. Now this? OSU's getting a real rep for running a dirty program, they'd better be really careful!

All the more reason to go to Notre Dame to play ball, in my opinion.

More later, I'm sure. Spending all day reconciling spreadsheets ... so much for that whole "only working ten hours this week" idea. Hey, at least there's some Bar Louie in my immediate future.

Let's Review The Score, Shall We?
Monogamy, 1 ... Martini, 0.
thanks to Steve for the inspiration of the title for this post.

It's the end of an era, so to speak.

Since everything with R was final last year, I've spent my time dating a lot ... known here in Martini-land as "doing stupid things with even stupider people (with a few exceptions)". I've wallowed in self-pity and regret, only stopping long enough to drown my sorrows with copious amounts of work, vodka, and sex. Yeah, it's been real. And it's been fun. But it hasn't been real fun. After everything I've been through, I needed to spend a year of my life on my own figuring out who I am, what I want, and where I'm going ... instead of concentrating on what someone else needs, who someone else wants, and where someone else wants me to go. Everyone I've dated has had their own agenda, their own motives for everything they do ... and also their own preconceived notions of what a "significant other" should be (remember that Martini loathes the word "boyfriend" in the context of referring to someone you love / sleep with on a regular basis ... how high school of you ...). I'd recently resigned myself to just being the ring-leader of my life's circus (also affectionately known as "Martini's Boyfriend-Go-Round"), just dating as many people at a time as my schedule would allow. I thought that there really wasn't anyone that was fully capable of not only tolerating all of my quirks and character flaws ... but instead someone out there actually celebrated and appreciated them. Really, I'd just given up - I was sharpening up my #2 pencil to sign up for the Old Bitter Spinster Society.

Until now.

See, I've always maintained that there is a major disconnect between what you "want" and what you "need". Sure, every guy - and most girls - I know want to marry Jenna Jameson and have wild kinky sex for days on end. But realistically, what you need is someone that loves and respects you for what you are, what you want to be, and where you've been. The kink just finds its way into your life if you find the right person. He's not what I wanted - he is the antithesis of everything that I've fought for the past year of my life. He's completely out of the norm of the usual Martini Boy-Toy type. I've broken all of my hard-and-fast rules about the type of person that I'd date, much less end up with - the kind that might actually settle me down and make me a one-man-woman again. But you know what ... he's exactly what I needed.

Last night, we had "the talk". This whole thing between us has been going on for nearly a month, we spend the better part of our free time together ... and if we aren't together, we are on the phone or on IM chatting the night away. I'm ridiculously comfortable and happy when I'm with him, and he with I. Most importantly, "the spark" is there. We have enough in our lives that is parallel, but we also have enough that is perpendicular to spark discussion. He tolerates my political ranting and raving, my volunteer work, my Miss America obsession, my "scandalous" friends, my need to be independent, and he even admits that I know far more about college football than he.

So, ladies and gentlemen ... raise your glasses to D. He's accomplished the unthinkable. This shall serve as your official notice that Martini is off the singles market.

It's Just Another Manic Monday.

Today's running totals are as follows ...

Sleep gotten last night: 4 hours.
Red Bull beverages consumed: 1 can.
Cigarettes smoked: 1.
Fires put out (drama avoided) at work: 3.
Career strategy planning meetings booked: 2.
Daydreams had of D and I on a beach in Aruba: 2.
Number of these dreams that involved clothing: 0.
Instances of jewelry lust*: 1.
Hours that I'm expected to work this week: 24.
Hours that I'll actually work and not study on company time: about 10.
Photos of the Bush twins (and their nipples) sent to TheBoy: 1.


* I *heart* my boss' supa-fly Tiffany neckace. She has the long silver "T&Co." charm on a satin chain, I have the heart-shaped "Return To Tiffany's" dog-tag on the ball chain. I'm officially jealous.

I don't want you be the guy in the PG13 movie everybody's really hoping makes it happen .... I want you to be like the guy in the rated R movie, you know, the guy your not sure whether or not you like yet.

Quote From "Swingers", one of Martini's favorite flicks. Click on the links to get the MP3 or the WAV.

Really, I have nothing of substance today. I'm tired, my kid is fighting a nap, dad went hunting, mom's been asleep since shortly after she woke up long enough to get up and eat some breakfast. I have to drag my happy ass to see my grandma today (they transferred her to another skilled nursing facility ... hey man, at least it's over by Robek's), clean my mom's house, finish her laundry, have dinner with my sister, and then drive 2.5 hrs. home to my house. Hopefully someone will have broken in and done all of my laundry, cleaned the kitchen, disinfected the bathrooms, and ran the sweeper while I was gone. Oh yeah ... and if I'm really lucky, the fish will still be alive. And the chances of all that happening are about the same as me hitting PowerBall.

So. How 'bout them Irish? Buh-bye, UT. What do you make of the Irish beating a top-ten team? Let's see the f-ing AP douchebags not give 'em their props NOW. Although I'm a bit troubled by this quote from Hoyte (from ESPN.com) ...

You don't just hit people to tackle them. You tackle them so they won't get back up. I say that respectfully.

OK, in the normal smack-talk context of the line ... yeah, that could honestly be said. But to be said by someone that just took out a quarterback for the remainder of the season, and possibly a career-ending injury (seperated shoulder) ... a bit insensitive, in my opinion. But knowing the several linemen that I've known in my life ... sensitivity isn't necessarily their strong point.

Buckeyes: Looks like they may garner an invite to a bowl game after all. Granted, it won't be something dandy like the Sugar Bowl ... but hey, at least they'll play somewhere on New Year's Day. Been joking that they'll merit an invite to the Tampax Tampons Mormon Bowl out in Salt Lake City, Utah. Oh Tressel ... what have you done to the 2002 National Champions? Better hope (for your sake, anyhow) that this "rebuilding" era is mercifully short. Because you better believe that the alumni will be screaming for your head on a platter when (notice I didn't say IF, but WHEN) Michigan hands you your asses. At least you get to suffer the indignity of a loss to the Big Blue Jackballs on your own home turf this year, kids. Getting pounded in The Big House has a special je ne sais quoi all it's own.

Have the placeholder site up at grey goose cosmo dot com. It'll have those three things on it, but I'm also taking suggestions for other things. Comment appropriately.

Also taking suggestions for The Inaugural Martini Awards. See, my blogiversary is on Thursday ... I'll have been blogging for a solid year! Wow! I'm already working on a "Year In Review" kind of post for you, but thinking of giving awards. Accepting category suggestions and nominations now. Already have one ... "Best Drunk Dial". So far the nominations include: TheBoy's Meow Mix Rendition and R's Tequila And Hot Sauce Night.

Ralph 'Ralphie' Parker: I want an official Red Ryder, carbine action, two-hundred shot range model air rifle!
Mrs. Parker: No, you'll shoot your eye out.

Took Mom to the hospital today for her pre-op testing. She's having surgery on her eye on Wednesday (attorney appointment got pushed back), and she had to go have her medical workup and blood drawn, and etc. That was fun as hell, as we ALL know how I love doctors and hospitals. I keep singing "you'll shoot your eye out" to her, and it makes her laugh.

Anyhow, mom had an insulin reaction while she was there (she's the opposite of I ... I'm hypoglycemic, she's a seriously insulin-dependent diabetic). This sent her into a tailspin of whining and crying, because she feels like she's totally losing what little bit of independence she had left. So I, against my better judgment, let myself be talked into taking her to Toys R Us with Princess to do some shopping. She about crashed while we were in there, and I had to hastily pay for the goods and then attempt to get her in the car without another minor (ok, major) meltdown. Mom's napping right now, like Princess should be. But she's currently climbing on me and whining how she wants candy. Um, yeah. That one falls into the "when hell freezes over" category.

Two Pieces Of Saturday Linky Goodness:

http://ocfan.blogspot.com/ - Spoilers, clues, photos, etc. Side note: when did Seth Cohen get HOT?!? Does it make me a dirty girl to want to just tell him "shhh, honey ... don't pout ... let momma make it allll better ..."

http://www.saynotogrampajoe.com/ - A funny website that exposes the true villian of "Willy Wonka And The Chocolate Factory" ... and it's NOT Slugworth! Check out the "Links" section of the site for even more hysteria!

*twitch*

Sometimes I wonder if I have latent Adult A.D.D. I can't function unless I have about twenty irons in the fire, and three of them are melting. My life is in a constant and revolving state of organized chaos, and I like it that way. Work, volunteering, Princess, preparing to post out of this job and into an AVP slot, getting the website up and running, DG stuff, friends, working on a new project, family ... etc. etc. I maintain that sleep is for the weak - I get, on average, about 4-5 hours a night now ... quality negotiable.

This morning, I'm really busting tail on digging through this study guide. But I can't concentrate. I'm not stressed with work, I've pretty much cleared my workload here so that I can use the time to listen to lots of music and just cram. But I just can't concentrate. I can't explain it, but I keep pulling myself out of "the zone" to do other things ... like balance my checkbook (umm, shouldn't have bothered, that just pissed me off), change CD's, walk around, get a new pen (in my defense, that one ran out), email The Others and The Usual Suspects and D, etc.

LawnBoy was kind enough to share this gem with me: "Be still... Concentration is the result of relaxation, not effort." It was a good swift kick in the ass ... for a few minutes.

A Friday haiku, for your reading pleasure:

ouch, too much info
brain, consistency of mush
need more vodka, please

Anyone have some Ritalin to spare? I really need to buckle down and study. Wonder if Red Bull would do the trick ...

I've developed a new philosophy. I only dread one day at a time. -- Charlie Brown

Here's what's been going on in the world of Martini. I know I've been writing "fluff" and political musings lately, and here's why.

1.) Work. I have been studying for my certification exam for a solid month. Every day. At least two hours. I haven't thought this much since college. OK that's a lie ... I didn't think this much in college. Anyways, I took a benchmark exam when I started working on this a month ago ... scored a 67%. FAILING. Pass is 75%. Shit.

Just took another one this morning. 87%. WHOO HOO. And I still have two domains to study, and then the compulsory "night before the exam" cram session.

I still have more work to do, but it's going well. I sit for the exam on November 18th. I have a long weekend off next weekend. I'm going scrapbooking on Thursday (usual bank holiday ritual with other folks from TheFirm), and spending Friday and Saturday studying my ass off with a six-pack of beer. I think far more clearly when there's beer involved.

The certification I'm after, CCSA (Certified Control Self-Assessor), will allow me to put letters behind my name and everything. It's internationally recognized as "the gold standard" for what I do (financial and operational risk management), and is a stepping stone to "The Big Kahuna" (Certified Internal Auditor). The CCSA designation is worth about as much as an MBA in my field, and will give me a SLAM DUNK into an AVP slot. If it puts it in perspective, there are a grand total of ZERO people with this designation in my division of TheFirm, and I think there might be a few in TheFirm WORLDWIDE. This is some hardcore shit right here. Failure is NOT an option on this one - as if anything in my life is.

2.) Mom. One of her retinas has detached now. So, that means that she is blind in one eye, completely. They are going to attempt surgery, because it's still freshly detached, but the chances of it being fixed are not good. The other looks OK, but is deteriorating slowly. She's jaundiced, as her creatanine (sp?) levels are nearly double what they should be. For reference, it should be 1.5 ... hers were 2.1 six weeks ago, and 2.6 two weeks ago. And they are fairly sure she had a small stroke a few weeks ago, as the one side of her mouth is a little droopy now.

In other news, she has an appointment with an attorney, FINALLY, next Wednesday. It's about time she stopped feeling sorry for herself and went after that ass-hat that screwed up her surgery (and literally killed her with a morphine OD - they had to put the paddles on her to bring her back to life). And in an interesting turn of events ... she's not the first person that this doctor has done this to. But I bet after Momma Sue's done with him ... she'll be the last.

She's pretty bummed out, because now it's pretty "final" that she won't drive again. It's tough for a super independent woman to have to rely on everyone for everything now. I mean, it's even to the point where I'm pushing her to get an "I've fallen and I can't get up" button. Plus, most of her friends have pretty much moved on with life ... she hasn't heard from her best friend in a really long time now. Mom's just pretty depressed.

4.) Grandma. My grandma Myrt was diagnosed with Leukemia on Monday. More specifically, Acute Myelogenous Leukemia. She will now stay at the intensive nursing unit at the hospital, instead of her assisted living apartment, until such time as hospice is necessary. Even though you know that your grandparents are totally fallible and realistically mortal ... it sucks when you are actually confronted with it.

5.) Sister. She made the announcement that they (she and her husband) have thrown away the birth control and are trying to conceive a child. Brilliant move, considering they are about *thisclose* to bankruptcy as it is. She isn't a selfless kind of person, therefore I know I have little chance of convincing her to breastfeed. I'm going to take the tack of "saving money" ... boob juice = free. Formula = about $100 a month. She's a terrific auntie to Princess, but I don't know what kind of mom she will be when the child doesn't go home when she's bored of it. Don't get me wrong, my sister is great. She's smart, funny, talented ... but patience isn't her strong suit. And neither is running on less than a full night's sleep. And a "full night" to her is at least nine hours. HA HA HA ... I hear you parents laughing at that. I don't remember the last time I got more than seven hours' sleep!

6.) D. Ahh, the saving grace of all of this drama and trauma. I've been spending a significant amount of time with him lately, and it's sure been nice. Oddly enough, I'm not having the usual issue with letting him "in". Explanation: See, I have what some people refer to as "a fear of emotional intimacy". Some call it "fear" ... I call it "pure, unadulterated terror". I will allow someone to get inside my head, to a point. I let people in, but it has to be on MY terms - I call the shots. I've always attempted to control this sort of situation, as a way to insulate myself from possible heartache. It's easier to just keep people at arm's length, because when the situation falls apart (as it inevitably does), my pain and suffering is minimized. But, as luck would have it, that terror isn't present with him. I can't explain it. And I'm not going to try - for fear of jinxing such a good thing.

Feliz Cumpleanos A Ti!

Happy birthday to my Gal-Pal!

I sooooo wish that operating capital would allow for me to come and visit you right now. After all, there ARE bars (and porn stores) that we haven't hit yet in STL. And I'm still winning the tattoo contest 1-0.

Love ya, babe! Hope you get lots of good presents from that man of yours for your birthday ... wink wink.

Quote Of The Day.
Credit: D, found on TBogg

"I look at the big map and all of the red in flyover country and I feel like I've been locked in a room with the slow learners. We have become the country that pulls a dry cleaning bag over its head to play astronaut."

Electile Dysfunction, Part Deux.

So. We'll have four more years of shrubbery to contend with. See, I can swallow that one. He actually won the popular vote this time, therefore that's what our country wants. Power of the people and all. I can deal with that, really. But there's one thing that has really upset me.

The Buckeye State (in all of its infinite wisdom) passed Issue One. This will amend our state constitution to "define marriage as between one man and one woman". Other states have passed similar measures as well. Now, we've all established that I've very hetero (with the exception of that one dream involving Lindsey Lohan ... but I digress ...). Where do I, as a person, get off telling someone who they can and can not marry? For that matter, heteros have done SOOOOO well with the whole marriage thing up till now ... yours truly included.

For once in his life (ha ha) R had a good point. "Marriage", on the face of it, is strictly based in religion. He's right. And our government has NO PLACE in my church (and vice versa). Marriage, in the eyes of the state and other governments, is merely a contract specifying next-of-kin and property rights and such. By imposing such limits ("between one man and one woman"), the government is essentially mandating who can and cannot initiate a contract. Discriminate much? Sheesh! I think we need to leave the "marriage" part to the churches to administer, and let people initiate contracts as they see fit.

Add in: the douchebag in South Carolina. He believes that "single mothers and gay people have no right to teach our children". Whatever, you jackass. I'm pretty sure that I could run moral and ethical circles around you, and I'm the devil incarnate in your eyes. Being a single mom and all, that makes me a second class citizen ... because I didn't stay in a situation that wasn't positive for myself or my daughter. What frightens me even more is that enough people actually voted for him so that he could be a decision-maker in that state. Unfrickinbelievable.

Anyhow, I'm really annoyed at the turn our country has taken. I'm truly shocked and saddened that we are regressing back to a time where people aren't valued BECAUSE they are people ... instead they are devalued because of their sexual orientation, their situation, and the color of their skin. We seem to have forgotten that "liberty and justice for all" means just what it says ... FOR ALL. Black, white, gay, straight, female, male ... ALL OF US. I'm not angry enough to up and move to another country (not quite yet), but I am sorely disappointed in our electoral process ... and America as a whole. You had better bet that I will work even more, and even harder, with MoveOn PAC.

ADDENDUM: This post was sent via e-mail and didn't show up again. Indicative of the kind of day I've had. Suffice it to say: I'm about *thisclose* to the padded cell, and it honestly has nothing to do with politics.

And Now, A Word From Princess.

A Little Fun While We're Waiting For The Results ...

Ever notice that Kerry closely resembles Terrance and Philip from South Park?



Thanks to Beej for the dandy PhotoShop.

STOP THE PRESSES!

Martini is awake, dressed, and mobile. Before the time is in double-digits. Why?

Because Princess and I are on our way out the door to go vote.

10:21 AM UPDATE:

Captain's Log. Stardate: November 2, 2004.
Location: Columbus, OH ... precinct 53-I
We waited in line for more than two hours. Princess amused the hundreds of people that were crammed into an elementary school cafeteria, with a rousing rendition (or twenty) of "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star". I was voter number 1,487 in my precinct. I was not challenged, nor did I see poll challengers.

GET OUT THERE AND VOTE, ALREADY.

As I'm sure you've noticed, I "lean" towards one specific candidate. But what's most important is that you take the time to vote ... whomever you support. Take this really great statement from Monkey Girl's boss into account ...

"The greatest country in the world will be electing the most powerful person in the world. This nation became the greatest of all because of the freedom gifted to us by our forefathers and defended by our families who came before us. I encourage all of you to vote tomorrow. It is your duty as an American. So many have sacrificed to enable you to choose. Good Luck to all."

A whole post worth of Ren-And-Stimpy-Like "Happy happy joy joy!"

Yes, today is officially November 1st. Oh, happy day! What does this mean to you, my dear readers? It means that I can officially put up my Christmas decorations, and most people won't think I'm completely insane. Just partially insane. Conventional wisdom states that you must wait until after Halloween to put up any sort of holiday decorations. And guess what. Today's the day! The day of days! Guess what Princess and I will be doing tonight? WHOO HOO!

Last year, for obvious reasons, I really wasn't in the mood for Christmas. I just kind of "went through the motions" and put on a happy face for everyone around me ... when in all reality, all I wanted to do was just crawl in my bed and hide. Or die. Whichever ... both options were quite appealing at the time. This was really sad, because I've always been VERY into holidays. I've always been one of those "go to Target, stand in line, and be the first one through the door at 5 AM on Black Friday" people. And last year, it took me until well after 6 AM to actually get there. This is unheard of for Martini! That's OK. I plan on going all Clark Griswold this year to make up for it. OK, not really, but I will actually put lights up and stuff this year. YAY!

Song addiction du jour: "Something Pretty" by Patrick Park. Didn't like it at first listen, but it's really grown on me, and the lyrics are GREAT, and his voice is great. If you can get past the slide guitar ... it's a great song.

Guess what. Go check it out ... there'll be lots of photos and music and stuff on there - eventually. I'll finally be able to share the music that I quote for those of you that don't have the same eclectic taste as I ... http://www.greygoosecosmo.com

And again I will say: F you, blogger. Again, I had to schlep myself out here to post this on the site instead of just e-mailing it. Grumble grumble.