If I’m not made for you, then why does my heart tell me that I am?

Riddle me this.

Why is it that I can't seem to get R out of my head? I'm an intelligent, self-assured, and accomplished woman. I need not beg ANYONE for love or lust. If I want love, I have it from T, I just have to say "yes" to it. If I want lust, I have at least three folks on the line that I could make the booty call to. But I only seem to want what I cannot have. I'm really curious as to when I can stop wallowing in my self-pity.

Today, I had the day off. I went scrapbooking with a dear friend that has stood by my side throughout this whole ordeal. As I pulled out photos to put on the pages, I ran across so many with R. We looked so happy, so together, so ... right. But I think we lost ourselves in the daily grind of everything, and allowed people to come in between us. We allowed everyone else's opinion to shape our relationship, and I am so angry that I let that happen. I can honestly say that I am a much different person now; stronger and wiser. Will it make a difference? Only time will tell. But I don't know how much longer I can continue to feel like this. I can't eat. I can't sleep. I feel like crap. It is taking an ever-increasing amount of MAC Studio Fix to cover the bags under my eyes.

Tonight, I did something that I vowed never to do: I cried in front of my daughter. She just climbed into my lap and hugged me as I sobbed uncontrollably. I want her to see me as a strong and wonderful role model, but tonight my broken heart just couldn't take any more. It's a long story, but suffice it to say that my heart aches more and more every day. And I'm not just talking about yesterday's revelation ... I mean it. My chest literally hurts from the stress and pent-up feelings.

How do I feel today? In a word ... shattered.