You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
And know when to run ...

I'm a true Aries. My impatient streak has struck again. My email and some of my systems were down at work today, and I tried to get a hold or R to see if he wanted to have lunch, etc. etc. Well, I got blown off, again. Admittedly, this time it really wasn't his fault that he couldn't go to lunch, but I was already annoyed that I had nothing to do but live inside my head for half the day today. But I digress ...

I laid it all out to R today, hardcore. And I'm tired of waiting for him to get his act together. I know that ultimatums can totally backfire, but at this point I need some sort of resolution to this matter. I've been on a total self-destructive bender for almost two months now, and I just can't take it anymore. Read, enjoy, and please comment appropriately below. Apparently, I still crave validation ...

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I've been without email and most of my systems for the better part of the day, so I have had a lot of time to think and write.

Sorry if I was a little "sassy" with you on the phone. It's easy to mask my disappointment from behind a keyboard, but over the phone ... mmm, not so much. Shall we just say that patience is a virtue ... and not one of mine. I'm really working on it, though. I know that all good things come to those who wait, but I suck at waiting, and I suck at the whole laissez-faire thing. I'm a woman that likes to take charge and make things happen, not just sit back idly and just hope, pray, and let them happen. I guess you could say I'm assertive, and that's why I'm a wonderful mother, and very good at my job. Unfortunately, being assertive, while a wonderfully desirable trait in a parenting and/or a corporate environment, is obviously not nearly as desirable in a companion for some people.

I feel a lot like I'm playing a really high-stakes game of poker with you. I've shown you my hand, time and time again. But you continue to bluff, and I just can't read it. I have been nothing but communicative, open, supportive, and honest with you since I dropped the bomb on you on February 23rd (yes, it has been that long, I didn't believe it either). And if you are too afraid to ask me what I think and feel, read my journal. I don't mean just skim it, and stop reading when/if you get to something that makes you uncomfortable … I mean sit down with a glass of wine and truly READ what I've written, day-by-day and page-by-page. Take it into your heart and truly feel what I've written. I don't mind. In fact, I think it's a wonderful idea that you do read it all, because that is truly the outpouring of my deepest sorrow and my highest joyfulness. It chronicles my turbulent cry for validation, the reunification of my group of friends, and the heartbreak of you. It's painful to write sometimes, and really painful to go back and read some of the archives now. But it helps to see how far I've come, how much I've changed and grown, and how I'm different as a woman, a lover, a friend, and a mother.

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't disheartened that I continually ask you to go places or do things, and you always seem to have a reason to not go. I understand and respect the whole consulting thing (I think it's awesome, actually), but it seems you can find a way to carve time out of your schedule for everyone else in the world … just not me. I've been telling myself that it's because you are not sure what to make of me anymore (because I AM a totally different woman than I was when I moved out). But really I am starting to think that it is because you just don't want to. If this is the case, please just tell me and stop letting me make a total fool out of myself. Even though I'm really good at it, and don't mind doing it if there is a possibility (regardless of how slim it may be) that it may work out in my favor, I don't want to continually beat my head on the same wall and expect different results. I'm really resilient when it comes to most things in my life. But when it comes to you, I'm fragile like a little flower. I know, I know … bad joke.

I'm glad you are going to go sailing this weekend. I think the quiet time and solitude of the open water will do you a world of good. I know you do your best thinking when you are alone and staring up at a darkened night sky sprinkled with sparkling stars, with the boat gently pitching on the sea under your feet. I hope you understand the magnitude of what I am attempting to say here, because I'm proficient at cloaking my truest heartfelt feelings in tact and verbiage. I've told you that I want to be a part of your hopes, your dreams, your ambitions, and your failures … and that I want to share these parts of my life with you. I want to support you in all your endeavors, and be your partner again. If you don't want this from me, I understand completely, and I will walk away knowing that I have given you opportunity after opportunity to take a chance that so many other men would kill to get … a chance to put their family back together. But please understand that if this happens, I will move on with my life without you in it … and I can't guarantee that I will come back if you decide you've made a mistake by letting me move on without you. I'm a beautiful, desirable woman with a bright future, and a lot to offer in a relationship and in life. I'll always be the mother of our child, and I'll always be your best friend. But I don't want to be alone forever, waiting for you to pull it together. And I know I won't be.

You know that you've always had my heart, like no other man ever has. And you always will. But at this point, I've shown my hand. It's your turn to decide whether you want to ante up and play yours, or fold and walk away. I don't want some deep commitment, or some binding answer … but I deserve the honesty and respect to be told if I'm making a mistake by waiting for you.

I'm not going to e-mail or call you other than if I come across any jobs at my work for you. I want you to take this weekend with your family and with the sailboat, and I want you to really truly think about who and what is important to you.

Love Always,
Martini