The Ex-Files.

As it's not nice to kiss and tell, I won't exactly divulge which of these men I've slept with (and which I haven't). Don't try to guess, because I won't cop to anything other than what's written here. Instead, I'll take the tack of revealing only the exes that have made an impact on my life (positively or negatively). The rest will remain buried in "the vault", and will inevitably become fodder for drunken conversation with "the girls" someday. Some of this stuff, it's really funny that I even remember it. Here we go.

The High School Boyfriend. The consummate "high school athlete" relationship. You know the equation: pretty cheerleader / softball player + handsome blonde baseball player = one for the yearbooks. This was the guy that I lost my virginity to. His family had issues. He had issues. He was addicted to this bizarre candy called "Mambas". Caught him in flagrante dilecto with a girl named Lauren that he had claimed was "just a friend" all along. I still loathe that name. It's been ten years. I need to get over it. He went to OSU for pre-med, decided that he liked being a nurse instead, and got his MSN. His family is crushed that he's not some big cardio-thoracic surgeon, but nursing makes him happy. Lesson Learned: Trust is very easily taken forgranted and violated. Don't give it out too freely.

The Offensive Lineman, aka #71. In the beginning, just friends. Tall. Blonde. Built. Totally hot. A year behind me. Had a promising football career, was a starter on a league-champion offensive line as a junior. He got me hooked on Notre Dame. I encouraged him to get his shit together and hit the books, so he could get a decent scholarship to a half-decent school. Blew his ankle (achilles), and I helped him train through summer rehab (and study through summer school) so that he could hack two-a-days (blew my achilles the year prior, so I had a bit of "been there, done that" experience). We hit it off, and dated for a short while. Apparently, he read more into it than I did, and his mommy put her foot down. I wasn't in the mood (after High School Boyfriend) to deal with drama, so I told him that he needed to grow up ... and to find me when he did. Last time I saw him was on the quad at U of A and he was no longer playing football. He tore his ACL and didn't go back after that surgery. He was still living with his mother, even though his younger sisters had since moved out. From what I hear, he got his degree and is teaching at the same Catholic school that he graduated from. It is unknown whether he still lives with his mother. Lesson Learned: Don't date a momma's boy. You'll never be #1 in their eyes, and it's not worth the hassle ... regardless of how HOT they are.

The Childhood Sweetheart. During one of the "off again" times with #71, I made the mistake of smooching a boy that I had grown up with. I mean, we had been friends since he was eight and I was six. This set off a whirlwind of bad decisions on my part, and ended with a very public screaming match about #71 (apparently, I had missed the memo that we weren't dating other people). Lesson Learned: Don't kiss your friends. The damage is irreversible. Trust me, you can't ever go back to being "just friends".

Just After High School, aka "The Rebel Phase". In a total 180 from The High School Boyfriends, I dated a tall, dark, Italian "Danny Zuko" type hottie. It went back and forth for a year or so, dated "exclusively" for about six months prior to his admitting that he had another girlfriend. This angered me, and I told him to get lost. He joined the Marines to spite me, we ended up back together for a little while. I walked away when he knocked up another woman. I still speak to his brother (trying to hook him up with my cube-mate that makes smoochy-noises at Lyle). He since went AWOL (don't ask), settled with the USMC, and has two kids out of wedlock by two different women, the most recent being 19 years old when she gave birth. He's 30 now. Lesson Learned: A whore is a whore is a whore. They can't change. Don't expect it, that way you won't be disappointed.

The Ten Year Long Booty Call. We've already discussed B at length. Lessons Learned: 1. Don't violate the contract. Don't fall for your booty call. 2. Emotional unavailability does not make a good relationship (on either part).

The Dark Period. Dated a TKE in college. We were pretty tight, and exclusive for a total of a little more than 8 or 9 months. He was a staunch Republican that was a HUGE Bob Dole fan. He didn't like B, nor the fact that I was still really good friends (off-again period, but no sex involved at that time). I was B's fraternity's chapter sweetheart (I hung out with those guys so much that I had my own couch in their living room and helped with their rush parties and pledge weeks), and this pissed the boyfriend off greatly. It also pissed him off that I chose to go to the bars with my DG sisters, rather than go to a weekly family dinner at his house (an hour and a half away, each way). Good God, we were in COLLEGE. But, I digress. He was less than thrilled about the pageant thing, and thought he could get me to change my feelings on it if he bashed it enough. It came down to his making me choose between my life, my friends, and him. Umm, don't go there, you WILL lose. The final straw was when he laid the lavaliere on me, about six months into our "exclusive" thing. After about two months of wearing it, I subconsciously picked a fight that caused the demise of the relationship (three guesses who it was about). Eventually, we mended fences, and I hooked him up with a girl that worked for me. They are now married with three kids (and a fourth on the way). We all jokingly refer to that time as "The Dark Period". Lesson Learned: Don't ever get into a relationship with someone that expects you to change who you are. If they don't like you for what you are, then fuck 'em.

The Soulmate. Two weeks after breaking things off with the TKE, I went to emcee a pageant. While there, my mom introduced me to a nice boy that she was on the judging panel with. I vividly remember yelling at him the first time we were introduced, as I was trying to finish editing a script that I was to use in mere minutes ... and I was wearing my stage makeup, hair rollers, a button-down shirt, and that was it. Goodness, he was cute. His smile and sparkling blue eyes just had me eating out of his hand within minutes. We hit it off, exchanged numbers, and called back and forth several times. We were super compatible, and he was fun. He made me laugh, and I liked being around him. For some reason, we fell out of touch for about two months. Then, one day, I got a phone call ... "hey, how are ya. Here's my new phone number, I moved." That was in September. We spent the night together in early October, became exclusive shortly thereafter, I got my own "drawer" in early November, and we got engaged on New Year's Eve. I moved in with him (relocated to another city) in late March, and we were married in late April of the next year. He hated my family, and ostracized me from many of my friends. I lost my fiercely independent streak, and became a woman that I didn't recognize when I looked into the mirror. After about three months of being pregnant, we really just grew apart. I was depressed and angry, and honestly ... I was flat-out hateful. I can't exactly put my finger on what or when our marriage failed, but it did. I miss him some days, and other days I'm glad to have "me" back. Some days, I long to just "fix" everything, and other days I remember how I felt when I found out about a lot of the shit he pulled on me. I'm a little more bitter, a lot wiser, and significantly more jaded for the experience. Lessons Learned: 1. Just because you marry someone doesn't mean that it's forever. People break vows and promises, people lie to you even when they say they aren't, and there isn't a damn thing you can do about any of it. 2. Just because you love each other doesn't mean that you can live together. 3. You can't fix everything, no matter how hard you try. Some things are just meant to be broken forever.