I've developed a new philosophy. I only dread one day at a time. -- Charlie Brown

Here's what's been going on in the world of Martini. I know I've been writing "fluff" and political musings lately, and here's why.

1.) Work. I have been studying for my certification exam for a solid month. Every day. At least two hours. I haven't thought this much since college. OK that's a lie ... I didn't think this much in college. Anyways, I took a benchmark exam when I started working on this a month ago ... scored a 67%. FAILING. Pass is 75%. Shit.

Just took another one this morning. 87%. WHOO HOO. And I still have two domains to study, and then the compulsory "night before the exam" cram session.

I still have more work to do, but it's going well. I sit for the exam on November 18th. I have a long weekend off next weekend. I'm going scrapbooking on Thursday (usual bank holiday ritual with other folks from TheFirm), and spending Friday and Saturday studying my ass off with a six-pack of beer. I think far more clearly when there's beer involved.

The certification I'm after, CCSA (Certified Control Self-Assessor), will allow me to put letters behind my name and everything. It's internationally recognized as "the gold standard" for what I do (financial and operational risk management), and is a stepping stone to "The Big Kahuna" (Certified Internal Auditor). The CCSA designation is worth about as much as an MBA in my field, and will give me a SLAM DUNK into an AVP slot. If it puts it in perspective, there are a grand total of ZERO people with this designation in my division of TheFirm, and I think there might be a few in TheFirm WORLDWIDE. This is some hardcore shit right here. Failure is NOT an option on this one - as if anything in my life is.

2.) Mom. One of her retinas has detached now. So, that means that she is blind in one eye, completely. They are going to attempt surgery, because it's still freshly detached, but the chances of it being fixed are not good. The other looks OK, but is deteriorating slowly. She's jaundiced, as her creatanine (sp?) levels are nearly double what they should be. For reference, it should be 1.5 ... hers were 2.1 six weeks ago, and 2.6 two weeks ago. And they are fairly sure she had a small stroke a few weeks ago, as the one side of her mouth is a little droopy now.

In other news, she has an appointment with an attorney, FINALLY, next Wednesday. It's about time she stopped feeling sorry for herself and went after that ass-hat that screwed up her surgery (and literally killed her with a morphine OD - they had to put the paddles on her to bring her back to life). And in an interesting turn of events ... she's not the first person that this doctor has done this to. But I bet after Momma Sue's done with him ... she'll be the last.

She's pretty bummed out, because now it's pretty "final" that she won't drive again. It's tough for a super independent woman to have to rely on everyone for everything now. I mean, it's even to the point where I'm pushing her to get an "I've fallen and I can't get up" button. Plus, most of her friends have pretty much moved on with life ... she hasn't heard from her best friend in a really long time now. Mom's just pretty depressed.

4.) Grandma. My grandma Myrt was diagnosed with Leukemia on Monday. More specifically, Acute Myelogenous Leukemia. She will now stay at the intensive nursing unit at the hospital, instead of her assisted living apartment, until such time as hospice is necessary. Even though you know that your grandparents are totally fallible and realistically mortal ... it sucks when you are actually confronted with it.

5.) Sister. She made the announcement that they (she and her husband) have thrown away the birth control and are trying to conceive a child. Brilliant move, considering they are about *thisclose* to bankruptcy as it is. She isn't a selfless kind of person, therefore I know I have little chance of convincing her to breastfeed. I'm going to take the tack of "saving money" ... boob juice = free. Formula = about $100 a month. She's a terrific auntie to Princess, but I don't know what kind of mom she will be when the child doesn't go home when she's bored of it. Don't get me wrong, my sister is great. She's smart, funny, talented ... but patience isn't her strong suit. And neither is running on less than a full night's sleep. And a "full night" to her is at least nine hours. HA HA HA ... I hear you parents laughing at that. I don't remember the last time I got more than seven hours' sleep!

6.) D. Ahh, the saving grace of all of this drama and trauma. I've been spending a significant amount of time with him lately, and it's sure been nice. Oddly enough, I'm not having the usual issue with letting him "in". Explanation: See, I have what some people refer to as "a fear of emotional intimacy". Some call it "fear" ... I call it "pure, unadulterated terror". I will allow someone to get inside my head, to a point. I let people in, but it has to be on MY terms - I call the shots. I've always attempted to control this sort of situation, as a way to insulate myself from possible heartache. It's easier to just keep people at arm's length, because when the situation falls apart (as it inevitably does), my pain and suffering is minimized. But, as luck would have it, that terror isn't present with him. I can't explain it. And I'm not going to try - for fear of jinxing such a good thing.