The "Go Moment".

In life, there are multiple "Go Moments", moments that you can identify as life-altering or personality-shaping moments. Sometimes, they are the obvious ones (marriage, birth of a child, death of a loved one, etc). But sometimes, they are subtle and unrecognizeable to an external party - and even to yourself until long after the fact. And the hardest part is that you don't even realize how that one snapshot, that one moment in time, can change your life forever.

I spent some time last night reading AoB's journal. He makes me wistfully remember a lot of my past heartaches and joyful times. And it really made me think a lot about one of the defining "go moments" of my life. Last night I realized that I too had violated The Contract. You know, The Booty Call Contract. I totally fell for my booty call, and he fell for me. I won't say that he was The One, because I know that he wasn't. But I realized last night that I can honestly say he is one of the two men that I've ever truly loved.

B had always been my perennial date, the one that I called for formal events (because he made fabulous arm candy ... I've already mentioned how closely he resembles Bosco from Third Watch), date parties, even a new movie that one of us wanted to see. It was never a question of who either of us would show up with, because it was just a given that we'd show up together. We shared the same political views, the same semi-cocky attitude, pure attraction for one another, similar life goals, and religious backgrounds (we are both recovering Catholics). The only major philisophical difference we shared was football team worship (I'm an Irish fan, he loved Miami of Ohio for some god forsaken reason). Many nights were spent just sitting outside under the stars, drinking beer or a glass of wine, and just laughing and talking and kissing until the sun came up. He was a good friend, a great lover, but really bad as a "significant other". In retrospect, I guess I wasn't the best "significant other" either.

I had been dating a hot guy for a while, a winter thing. Nice guy, lots of fun, but I had heard from a mutual friend that he wanted to settle down. As in, he was ring shopping. This, of course, was not my intention at the time. I was looking for a nice way to end it, as he was a pretty nice guy that deserved a woman that wanted the same things that he did. And then, of course, B decided it would be a fabulous time to come crashing back into my life. We had begun to spend a good amount of time together again, like peas and carrots, as it were. And then, about two months later, he dropped the bomb on me.

We had agreed to meet for dinner at a mutual favorite restaraunt. I ordered the usual, as did he. As we sat there and ridiculed the drunk woman at the bar, he turned to me and took my hands in his (as he always did) and looked me squarely in the eye and said in his quiet voice ... "H, I have something to tell you." I felt a wave crash over me, and to this day I'm not sure whether it was pure terror or total anticipation. And then ... I often replay this moment in my mind, in slow motion ... "I'm getting married. In three months." I nearly choked on my risutto. I must have been quiet for a few minutes, because all I remember was him reaching out and brushing the one tear that streamed down my face, and saying "please H, say something. I can't take this. Please just ... just say something. Anything." All I could muster was "Do you love her? I mean, B, do you really truly love her?" and he just shrugged and said, "She's comfortable. She knows me, and she understands me. My mom likes her, I guess." By this, I was totally baffled. I mean, why would you marry someone that merely understands you? I just had to get out of there, because I felt the impending emotional disaster. I didn't want to make a scene, because I knew that soon I would either explode into tears, or I would explode into rage. Neither option was appealing.

So, I gathered my little remaining composure, and he paid the bill. I offered my half and all he said was "No, don't. Please just let me do this, OK?" We walked out into the parking lot, and I unlocked my car door. He mumbled something unintelligible, and poked at some melting snow with his shoe. I just wanted to go, to get away from that moment, I didn't want to remember him that way. He reached out and brushed my hair away from my face and said, "you know I'll always love you, right?" And he gently kissed me goodbye. I just touched his face, brushed away his tears and said in a barely audible whisper, "B, I know. I'll always know." Then, I got in my car and left him there, without saying another word. When I was out of his view, I pulled over and sobbed uncontrollably for nearly an hour.

In hindsight, I'll never be the same. He broke my heart. I received an invitation to the wedding, as well as the subsequent cancellation note. And he never did marry her, I'm sure he'll never marry anyone. He will never be tamed ... he just needs the right woman to run wild with him. And I really, truly hope he finds her.