When I fall in love I take my time
There's no need to hurry when I'm making up my mind

Credit for today's title goes to a newly found favorite musician ... Jason Mraz. His music is wonderful! I also have a really great version of him singing "Rainbow Connection", one of my most favorite songs. He was on The Morning Zoo and he took requests ... he accompanied himself on an acoustic guitar. It's awesome ... worth the registration on the Zoo site to get the audio.

Notice the poll over there in the sidebar ... exercise your right and go vote. DISCLAIMER: it's just for fun, not going to make any impact on my decision. Tell me what ya think.

Daily random observation: Dating sucks. It's a waste of my time. I don't want to dance the dance that it requires. I want to cut straight to the heart of it all ... is it appropriate to have your introduction go like this ... "Hi, I'm Martini. I like to leave my dirty clothes on the floor of my bedroom, and watch TV on the couch in my underwear. What's that, you say? You don't like my snoring? Oh OK. This just isn't going to work out. Thanks for calling."

Today was truly one of the most boring days I can remember for a long time. Work is in a lull (actually, I've thrown myself so far into my work that I have completed all of my major projects for right now ... but I digress ...) and I know that it's going to pick up big time here pretty soon. It's what I like to call "the calm before the storm". I have been battling some migraine headaches lately, and I'm sure they are a result of the stress I've put on myself lately.

Emailed back and forth with R for a while today. We talked about a stock he's been following lately, and got the play by play of its rise and fall. You know, it really is nice to talk about absolutely totally nothing with him. By that I mean that I'm glad that the mundane conversation has started to return. Everything doesn't have to be so heavy and loaded, you know? I just like talking about everyday stuff sometimes, and forget the hard stuff that life is throwing at me. The comfort level that we have isn't all that great yet, but I think it's because he is wary of me. He mentioned that he doesn't quite know how to respond to all of the information I've loaded on him in the past few months. And truthfully, I don't know how I would respond if I were in his shoes. It's really a lot to take. In the past three months, I have literally dumped everything on him that I should have told him in the past year. I'm really trying to just have a laissez-faire mentality about this, because I hold out hope that if I just let it happen naturally and not try quite so hard, that it will happen for us.

On the family front, I'm just OK for now. It's really hard to take the stuff that's going on with my mom. The corticosteroids are really doing a number on her. She's vomiting constantly, swollen, and miserable. I thought these things were supposed to make her feel better, instead of worse. I'll be glad to go home to mom and dad's. Honestly, I think I just need to get out of Columbus for a little while. Everything and everyone is just staring me in the face, and I need an escape from reality for a few days. I am going to meet up with the girls while I'm up visiting the parents for the weekend, and just decompress. I need it.

Up until I found out how sick my mom is, I really had been toying with just up and moving to another state. Now, I just can't go until she's gone, I'd never forgive myself. I know that I'm just running from everyone and everything by moving, but it sounded like a good idea at the time. My dream is to move to St. Thomas and live. Carribbean Sea, great shopping, but still retaining my American citizenship that I cherish so much. How could I go wrong?

I don't get The Princess back till Friday. At first, during the time that I was actually enjoying dating, I welcomed the free time. But honestly, now I need her here with me. She really is part of my heart and soul. This house just isn't a home without her here. Her toys are neatly organized, put on shelves and in the boxes. I want her to be here making a mess all over my floor, grinding goldfish crackers into the carpet, and chasing "the meeeee-yoww" all over the place.

I know this is really long and really random. I'm pretty miserable. I miss my girl. And after Monday's crying fit, I'm not coping well with the R thing right now either. I know that only time will heal these wounds. I need to just give him time and space. But it's really hard, because I want to share all my happiness and my joy and my sadness and my anger and ... my life with him.

I'm tired. I think I have another night of Excedrin PM in my future. Have meetings all day tomorrow, so I have to get some sleep tonite. After American Idol. Oh, and The O.C. So, 10 PM is bedtime.

though it’s hard to let you go
in the father’s hands we know
that a lifetime’s not too long to live as friends

Tonight was really bittersweet. I went over to C and E's to help them pack up. I got all the way through the kitchen in a matter of two and a half hours. It felt really good to help a friend, but really sad knowing that they will be gone soon.

R stopped by with Maverick (the Yorkie that used to be ours together). He used to totally be a mommy's boy, but not anymore. It sucks. He seemed to be happy to see me, but I think he's happy to see just about anyone. I miss my dog. I couldn't take him when I moved out because my house doesn't have a yard for him to potty in.

It is really funny how he got his name ... after Maverick in "Top Gun" ... the movie we were watching the first time we made love. Every time I think of that old couch (the frame was hanging out) and being led up the steps in the townhouse we used to share, I have to smile. I still remember the way the sunlight danced on R's face in the morning, when we woke up together. I remember looking at him and thinking, "I could do this for the rest of my life."

R and I had a great email conversation at work, but when he stopped by C's to drop off a laptop, it was strained. I really wanted to tell C that I would be back after a walk with R, but I didnt; I refrained. R didn't ask, and neither do I. R looks really stressed and very tired. I want to just lay his tired head in my lap, tickle his face softly with the tips of my fingers, and let him drift peacefully to sleep. Maybe someday.

Anyways, on topic: today is a little bittersweet. I'll really miss C.

Ring ring ... what's that noise?
Oh, it's the clue phone. It's for you.

ARIES (March 30, 2004) - The movement in the sky may create frustration, as someone seems to be playing extremely hard to get. No matter whether you wear your most alluring clothes, or how much you sparkle, they seem to head off in the opposite direction. However, they have a very strange way of showing their deep interest, and that is to appear as though they apparently are not.

What the hell is this supposed to mean?!? Am I supposed to be buoyed by this, or what? Right now, all I want to do is go home and SLEEP. I'm tired. I have nothing going on here at work, so that makes the day drag on even slower. MAV and I have dissected our respective neuroses, and we both have decided that we are quite proficient at allowing men to walk all over us.

I didn't sleep again last night. You look surprised at that revelation! Oh well, at least there was a good episode of Conan Extra Late on last night. It was the one with Jim Carrey from Toronto. Funny as all get out. But I wasn't laughing. I spent the better part of the night alternately nursing a migraine, crying, and throwing up. Yet another blissfully wondermous night in Martini's house. Did you know that after "round two" of Leno and Conan, that there is a "really early Today show" that's broadcast from Philadelphia? Just FYI.

I opened The Princess' bedroom door about five times and just looked in at her sleeping so peacefully. It is so hard to know that her little heart just aches for a normal life. She gets that from me.

It ripped my heart out to hand her over to R's mom this morning. This isn't how it's supposed to be. It took everything in me not to just have her sit down, and just unload everything on her. But I didn't do it. I'm not sure what stopped me. Actually, I know exactly what stopped me ... my pride. Apparently, I do have one shred of dignity left.

Told R to call me last night after 9 and I got the princess down for night-night, because I really needed a friend. He gave me some blah-blah about getting a haircut and dinner and going to this one place that he does consulting work for. I didn't hear from him. I honestly was only half surprised. Eventually, I'll get the hint that I'm literally beating the dead horse. But until he finishes completely humiliating me, I won't get the clue.

Through an entry on Futile Attempt, I found a site called Divorce Busting. I keep reading parts of it, because I continually see little glimmers of what I really think is misplaced hope. I'm unsure whether this information I'm gaining is actually helping my situation, or really is just adding further fuel to the fire that continues to burn what little is left of my sanity.

Oh, and here's the "edited" version of the letter I wrote to R. This was all via email on Friday. He was a bit confused about the way I wrote the first part of it (which you read below) so I finally just explained it in the most even terms I could think of. Y'know, the continual process of my "rubbing salt in my own wounds" with no response is really growing old. If you had someone telling you this, wouldn't you stop and at least THINK about what you are doing to them? I think I've made it quite obvious that he is ripping my heart out and stomping on it daily anymore.

Maybe I was a little too tactful and subtle. I tend to do that when I don't really want to come right out and say things that expose my innermost thoughts and feelings. Let me spell it out for you. It's not like I haven't already completely alienated and/or scared you, so what the hell. Here goes.

I have been waiting for you to get your act together. I am so totally blinded by the fact that I love you and know that my idiocy screwed everything up, and rather than stand up and fight for what I believed in, what I wanted, I just let it go without argument. I should have stood up long ago and said EVERYONE STOP IT, what's important here is R and I. Because when I said "for better or for worse" I MEANT IT. And that is my fault, because I did NOTHING to stop the demise of our relationship. I fueled the fire even more because I didn't pay attention to the things that my body was telling me until late November, and quit the medication cold turkey. For someone that's supposed to have an IQ in the "genius" range, I certainly do some really dumb things with my life. I screwed up. I WAS WRONG. And you know how hard that is for me to say. I don't want to apply any pressure to you because what I have dropped on you for the last three months is what I SHOULD have dropped on you for the past year of my life, and I know it's a lot to take. I don't want to stress you out or make you feel like I'm being this whiney and needy and confrontational woman, but instead I had sincerely hoped it would open a dialog.

In the course of trying to sort my feelings out and realizing what it is that I *DO* want, I managed to initiate two relationships that were slightly more than casual. Not anything restrictive or exclusive, and I sure as hell didn't let them meet my daughter. To me, that's the biggest step in a relationship, because she doesn't deserve to be confused by another man in my house that's not her daddy. I put the brakes on both of them under the ruse of needing time for school and other things, and also dealing with some personal demons. Well, they got tired of waiting. And I can't say I blame them. Oddly enough, I'm not upset about the demise of the relationship, I'm upset that I have failed with something yet again.

And great. I'm crying again.

Whose leg do I have to hump to get a dry martini around here?

I rediscovered "Family Guy" today. I re-ignited my love affair with Stewie. Oh, how I'd forgotten about the fabulous Griffin family! I totally needed a good laugh today, and they supplied it.

Bedtime tonight was purely awful. Princess had her diapie changed, and her jammies put on, and I got her a sippy of milk. I don't know what prompted it, but after about five swigs from the cup, she took off running to the door, and yanked at the handle. She proceeded to scream for a good ten minutes for DADDY! DAADDDEEEEE! Her tantrum was complete with crocodile tears.

I felt like the world's crappiest mom. Even though I know that I am a wonderful mom, it still rips my heart out that she realized that he wasn't there. Sometimes I feel like I failed her somehow, like we took the easy way out and thinking that it would just be a seamless thing for her because she was so little. And even though she's just a little girl, she still senses it, I know it.

She screamed for her daddy for a total of about fifteen minutes. I couldn't take it, it just broke my heart into a million pieces. I just held her tight against my chest and sobbed with her. I stroked her beautiful blonde hair, and we both cried those heartbreakingly big tears together, and just rocked for almost an hour, and every time she cried for daddy I just held her tight, sobbed silently with her, and said softly ... "I know baby, I know. Me too. I miss him too ..."

A Bittersweet Day.

This morning, I got a call that will change my life. My mom has been diagnosed with Systemic Lupus. Although Lupus isn't a death sentence in and of itself, it is affecting her other organs. Her kidney function is at about 40%. She's been informed that she is "not a candidate for transplant". So, this is the beginning of the end. Even though you always know that your parents aren't immortal or infallible, it is still really hard to stare it in the face.

R brought Princess home to me this evening. We talked briefly about my mom being sick. But it seemed like he had someplace else to be. I really need a broad shoulder to cry on, but I know he's got "other plans" if ya know what I mean. You ever just have "that vibe"? I don't know what to say to him, now that I unloaded on him. I know that I have to give him time and space, but it's really hard to do it. The control freak in me just wants to fix it NOW, but the realist knows that only time will heal this wound.

At any rate, I'm glad my princess is home. I missed her little voice and her smile.

Yet another instance of the Darwinian combine.

I'm really bored. I'm supposed to head over to C's house to pick up the bike (which, coincidentally, R fought me over, and I WON, ha ha ha!) and I'm just waiting on him to finish dinner at Asian Cuisine with E so I can drive over there and pick it up before R does. Does that make me a bad person?

At any rate, I'm watching yet another one of VH1's "I Love The 80's" crappy shows. Right now, it's I LOVE 85 and they are talking about MacGyver. It's really sucky. They are also talking about fashion, etc. Let me tell you, I am going to dig through my old photos and BURN any proof of my less-than-stellar fashion sense. Good Lord, whose brilliant idea were legwarmers, anyways?

Oh, another gem ... "you built a time machine? Out of a DeLorean?" Apparently, you have to go 88 MPH for it to kick into hyper-space-send-Michael-J-Fox-to bop-his-mom mode. I just would like to know one thing ... I go 88 MPH in the truckster (for those of you that don't know, a 2001 Nissan Pathfinder SE 3.5L), and I don't get to go anywhere special. Maybe because it's significantly bigger than a DeLorean (and I carry far more crap in it), I'll have to try going just a little bit faster.

Busy day ...

Going shopping in WV with Girlfriend. Apparently my skills as a personal shopper are sought after. LOL

Spent last evening sobbing uncontrollably on poor ol C. God bless him, he puts up with so much bullshit with me. I now need to reconcile what we talked about with my heart. It was good, but just nice to hear. I know, cryptic bullshit from me ... but I promise it was good, and quite reassuring.

And C is too sweet ... he gifted me his mountain bike last nite, I have to stop by later and pick it up. WHO HOO! I can just imagine the princess ridin in one of those fun little cabooses behind me. :)

Here's a dandy little bit of poetry from my new-found favorite tartlet ... Enjoy.

Now it’s nothing but my way
My loneliness ain’t killing me no more
I’m stronger

That I ever thought that I could be, baby
I used to go with the flow
Didn’t really care ‘bout me
You might think that I can’t take it, but you’re wrong
‘Cause now I’m…

Stronger than yesterday
Now it’s nothin’ but my way
My loneliness ain’t killing me no more
I’m stronger

The Best Kind Of Sox Is Safe Sox.

I've been informed that GGC has "lost the funny" lately. So here's some funny for ya.

A few weeks ago, T and I were IMing about pedestrian things, and do you know what came up? Socks. It started innocently with my statement that my single socks have sex and multiply at night. Here's the fruit of the conversation. Apparently, we have issues.

heh heh ... sock porn. so if a black sock and a white sock mate, is it interracial sox?

I take one of each, and then lay them all over the floor and roll in them naked whilst chanting a prayer to EataSockey ... the God of laundry.

I am the last person to say that socks are bad. Socks are best shared with others.

Tumbling around in a dryer is group sox.

If you have two matching socks and one lone socks it is a sock threesome.

If the toe of each sock is tucked into another sock, it is oral socks.

If you have your sock stuck into a hole that shouldn't be in another sock, it's anal socks. Wrong hole, wrong hole!

If you have two socks that are mens socks or two socks that are womens socks, and don't match, they are gay or lesbian socks.

If you have one sock by itself and it is tucked in to itself, that's masturbation.

If you have two socks and one ties the other in a knot, it is bdsm.
Yes, but how can you tell who's the dom and who's the sub?
The one that is tied in the knot is actually in charge and has a safety word. But is the sub.
What would their safety word be? Tide? Bounce? Downy?
DARN! BWAAAHHAHAHAHAHAH!

Nothing takes the taste out of peanut butter quite like unrequited love.

How is it that the comic strips have the most sage advice and the most incredible observations? The above quote is from none other than Charlie Brown.

I am really not in the mood to do anything. I came home from work by 6 last night, and promptly fell asleep on the couch. I didn't wake up until after 6 AM today. I just don't like being alone. I want R here with me.

I am miserable today. Princess isn't here, but there are reminders of her everywhere. I just flipped past Play With Me Sesame on the TV, and busted out in tears again.

My mom is sick still, and there is nothing I can do. She is crying for me to move home, and I'm damned near ready to pick up and go. What is holding me here? Nothing.

Pardon me whilst I wallow in self pity today.

Batting 1,000!

At some point during the night, I rolled over 1,000 visitors. Who'd have thought that a tiny little pithy self-indulgence would have so many people that love it? Or maybe it's just the old adage of "Misery Loves Company". Any way ya slice it ... a round of Cosmo's for all! Congratulations on a milestone.

So anyways, My life is just a mixed drink right now ... so many intoxicating substances dumped into a cup, then capped and shaken like hell. I'm trying to right myself, but every time I think I'm "right" again, someone decides to shake my shit all up again.

C took a job working for a southern state's city police department. Ten hours away, by car. Not only was I dealt that blow today, but he's moving next weekend. I'll be really sad to see him go, he's been a rock for me through this entire R drama. He's been non-judgmental, kind, and understanding. He's also managed to remain neutral between the two of us (R and I). I don't know how he does it.

This weekend will be hard. I'm home all weekend, alone. R has The Princess, and they are travelling to see his brother in Indiana, and picking up his mom while there.

I'm really tired of being in this emotional holding pattern. I'm tired of R playing mind games with me. Because he is. I put myself out there, totally on a limb, and he hasn't responded. I think he is truly afraid of being with me, because he is perfectly happy moving on with the random whore he picked up online (I have friends, you don't think I hear this stuff? Come on, now.). There's no baggage there, no history ... just the giddy newness of a relationship not mired in the daily grind of dishes, diapers, and mortgage payments. People change, dynamics change, and life changes. I need to just stop raking myself over the emotional coals and kick myself in the ass.

I need to listen to Gal-Pal and be done with it ... I'm an absolutely beautiful woman that DESERVES happiness. I don't deserve to be alone. I deserve someone that is far better than R ... someone that loves me and respects me and treats me like the queen I am. My head is finally speaking to my heart, and I think my heart is about ready to listen. I think I'm almost ready to move on now. I'm just ... tired. I can't sleep, and I think I feel another round of vomiting coming on ...

I really appreciate this whole "save the stripper" campaign, but I gotta go.

I'm officially addicted to "The OC". R got me hooked on it, and now I just can't stop watching. Tonight, the "gang" went and rescued Haley from a strip club. I need rescued like that ... an intervention. Someone needs to just show up and kick me square in the ass and tell me to stop letting R run roughshod over my feelings. And while they're at it, kick me another time to get me back into Pilates.

In AI news ... I was so sad to see him go. I was hell bent on seeing Jasmine go away. And take her stupid-ass flower with her. I get it, I get it ... you're from Hawaii. Maybe I'd be so "in your face" about it if I lived in Hawaii. Her performance was awful, and I just can't "feel" her. I said it once, I'll say it a million times ... I LOVE GEORGE.

I have a stalker. I made the mistake of answering an IM from someone I didn't know, and now he's continually changing screen names and emailing me and IMing me. If this crap doesn't stop, I'll have to change email addresses. UGH.

No new R news. On April 18th, we're supposed to go to the Newport Aquarium. That will be "make or break" day with me. Either he steps up and gives me a reason to continue to wait for him to get his head out of his ass, or I will move on with no guilt and no question what the future will hold ... I'll know.

A lifelong affair with dustbunnies.

I've needed to clean my damned house for two days. Princess is with her daddy, but do you think for one minute that I'd actually clean with my newfound independence? Hell no. Here I sit, journaling for your pleasure.

Today was AYCE night at the Lube. YUM. Met up with C (E didn't join us, she has strep throat), and stuffed ourselves silly. Then, to Target ... again, that place has a $50 cover charge. Then, on my way home, I realized what I'd forgotten at Target ... razor blades. Now that I have my landing strip well manicured, I like to keep it neatly trimmed. I can't function without my Intuition razor. Like it really matters, because it's not like anyone's actually going to see it. So, off to CVS I went, bought blades, then came home. Ah, the single life.

Today's discovery ... Being Daddy: Just Like Being Mommy, Only Hairier. Enjoy.

And no response to yesterday's soul-baring to R. If I weren't so hard headed, I'd start to take it personal. But do you think for one minute that I'd catch the clue bus? Nope. I think that Gal-Pal said it best today ... "You are a wonderful, beautiful, intelligent, self-sufficient, sexy, woman. And I believe that there IS someone deserving of you. If it's R, great. But if it isn't, don't feel like that is your fault."

Tonight's American Idol ... I think Jasmine's going home. And I absolutely adore Amy Adams now. And JPL wasn't even that annoying tonight. But Jasmine's performance left so much to be desired.

And with that, it's time for bed. And my dustbunnies can come with me. There's lots of room in my lonely bed.

Yesterday's Letter To R.

I wanted to say all of this in person, but it doesn't appear that I'll have that luxury anytime soon. So, here goes. Some of these sentences may be run-ons, so please just grade me on content and not grammar. :)

What I was driving at with my (admittedly, quite poorly written) email last night is this: I feel like I am "bothering" you by asking you to go places or do things with me. I know you are busy, but so am I. And you are very important to me, so I make it a point to carve out some time for you in my schedule ... but you don't really seem to want to take it. If I'm wrong, please tell me. I think that you and I are such similar creatures. We throw ourselves mercilessly into our work, so that we don't have to think about the tough personal and emotional issues that confront us. I'm learning that confrontation isn't always such a bad thing, and really is helping me gain some equilibrium in my life.

I'm in a very strange "holding pattern" for right now, because I'm doing the best that I can with what's going on in my heart. I feel that it would be hypocritical of me to date, when I have told you that I want to try to work things out with you ... because how could you take what I say as being serious if I just turn around and do exactly the opposite of what I say? In my opinion, actions speak far louder than words. And don't misunderstand me ... guys have asked me out. And I turn them down. I don't want to date anyone right now until I have some resolution to my thoughts and feelings. I really put myself out there with you, and took a huge gamble by telling you what I feel.

But, on the flip side ... while I want to wait for you to reconcile your heart with your head, and decide what it is that you want, I don't know when you'll ever "figure it out" because you haven't communicated anything to me. It's been a month since I told you how I felt, and what I was thinking. I know you are really busy, but I feel like you are finding other things to do so that you don't have to confront the issue. I feel like you are almost afraid to be alone with me. I don't bite, I promise. Not unless you ask nicely. (OK, bad joke, I know. Just trying to lighten the mood a bit.)

I will always be your friend. Always. Nothing will ever change that. But I am a wonderful woman that deserves to have someone to love her and be her partner in life. And the person I choose to be my partner will be lucky, indeed. My love is a precious gift. Very precious. And I don't want to continue to give it unrequited to someone that will only let it wither away. I have made it clear that I want to be by your side, and support you in whatever you do (whether it's personal, or professional, or whatever). I have extended the offer to you, and at this point you need to choose what you want. I'm not asking for a long-term decision here, but I would like *some* sort of feedback. I don't want to continue to bother you or waste my time pursuing something that will not be.

You know where to find me. I'll be home all night tonight (homework) and tomorrow after wings with C and E. I have no plans other than that. If you would like to talk in person, I can gladly come to you after the princess is in bed. Let me know.

and as i float along this ocean
i can feel you like a notion that won’t seem to let me go

Today was a weird day.

First, I had training to sit through this morning, from 8:30 to noon. Pray tell, why do people schedule training sessions on Monday mornings? Hey ... what's that you say? You didn't get the memo? NO ONE IS LISTENING TO YOU. They are either sitting there contemplating how behind they already are for the week, or they are trying to zone out and trying to nurse what's left of their hangover from the weekend. And no, shitty bagels, dry danishes, and warm OJ will NOT make up for your sin of making me haul my ass into work on time. If you would have had omelettes or french toast, then maybe I could forgive your transgression.

Then, my boss' boss (follow that?) let us go home early today. She said that we had worked really hard on a project last week, and we should just take off the rest of the afternoon off completely paid. So, I headed to Nordie's and bought some new foundation (I'm just about out), then to WalMart to get an oil change on the truckster. Then, I came home, ate a depressing "Pizza For One", and now I'm just sleepy tired.

Oh, and on the R front. I pretty much unloaded on him via email that (of course it was much nicer than this) I was tired of being put off and treated like I was last on his list. And that I was going to stop asking him out if he wanted me to. And the reason I did it via email was because I didn't have the luxury of saying all that in person. So, we shall see what happens.

According to Einstein, insanity is defined as doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting different results. I imagine I'm damned near Charles Manson then. siiiiigh.

OH, and I'm firmly convinced that my laundry has sex and multiplies at night. Because there is easily twice as much as when I went to bed. UGH.

SONG OF THE DAY ... When I Look To The Sky by Train. Read the lyrics, they are really expressive and pretty much how I feel right about now.

No pressure, no diamonds.

Diamonds are actually little bits of carbon that have been subjected to immense heat and pressure. So, realistically, the charcoal that you use to barbecue with can eventually be a diamond ... with enough pressure and time. I should be really sparkly by now, as I've been under so much pressure. A lesser woman would have completely cracked. But not your fair Martini.

I'm really getting to "the end of my rope" with the whole R thing. Hell, I don't even know what to call it. I feel really frustrated, like I shouldn't even hold out hope that we can work it out. But my heart says "give it time, give it time" and my head says "WOMAN, get a life already." Which will win out ... my heart or my head?

In other news, Princess got some ROCKIN photos today. I'm so proud of her, she is getting so big. Tomorrow, back to work. Next weekend, R will go to Indy with his mom (in from Houston) and I'm home alone without the Princess. I am really going to welcome the peace.

You seem embarrassed by being alone, by loneliness.
Really, it's only a place to start.

Even seen "Sabrina"? She goes to Paris to "find herself", and goes through an amazing swan-like transformation. The first step that she goes through is awkwardness, then into loneliness. Eventually, she becomes the beautiful Julia Ormond that we all know and love, shags Harrison Ford, and lives happily ever after with the billionaire.

I think I am a bit "Sabrina" right now. Although, I'm trapped in Central Ohio, and not Paris. And I'm sure as hell not Julia Ormond. But I really do hope that I can transcend this awful and empty feeling and become the self-assured woman in the end. And sure, shagging Harrison Ford would certainly be a nice bonus.

In other news, I'm doing "good daughter" duty this weekend. That's right, I'm traveling up to visit the parental units. The Princess' little dolly will be here tomorrow (isn't it dandy ... American Girl sends UPS tracking numbers with their shipping confirmations at no extra charge), and I'm getting her pictures made on Sunday. I can't wait.

how can I put this in a way so as not to offend or unnerve
there's a rumor goin' all round that u ain't been gettin' served

I've been informed that there's not nearly as many salacious little bits on here any more ... that it's not nearly as fun to read when all I do is whine. Fine. How about if I whine about sex? Or, as it were, the lack thereof.

As a part of a discussion with the ladies on my September '02 Mommas email loop, we were all disclosing the frequency of which we got laid. Now, I'm the "swingin single" of the group. The rest of them all have more than one child (save for one woman, but her husband is a workaholic), and they are all getting dick at least three times a week. One woman that has FOUR KIDS even gets some every day! Shit, I can't even REMEMBER the last time I got laid, and I have one kid half the week.

I'm a fairly attractive woman, with a good job, and a lot going for me. So why the hell can't I get a decent man? Ugh.

lately, i have had the strangest feeling
with no vivid reason here to find

I was bored with the old template. Do ya like the new one? It's a nice change of scenery.

Today has been a really long day. Half of our funds for my major community service project got pulled out today, and we need $1,000 by Friday or we have to pull out. And I don't want to do that, but I also don't have a spare grand laying around.

I bought The Princess an American Girl Bitty Baby today. With the purple spring blossoms outfit. It will look adorable with her Easter outfit. Oh, the photos I'll have!

No contact from R today, save for a quickie phone call regarding Alaina Sheer's Tattoo this morning. That's it. Crappy day, and my horoscope even warned me about it.

I have no plans for St. Patty's tomorrow. I believe I shall drink alone. But I will likely just sit with a bottle of wine and work on my scrapbooks tomorrow. I am a party girl, all right.

PS ... American Idol ... I totally am into GEORGE! WHOO HOO! I think John Peter Lewis should go home. I just don't see it in him.

Family Fun.

I was referred over to this fun little blog today from Drama Queen. Enjoy "Squeaky Weasels".

Martini's Weekend.

Wow, what a busy weekend. Actually, "busy" isn't really accurate … BIZARRE is far more like it. I had more time to sit down and write out a better explanation. Here goes ...

Friday night, R and I were supposed to go the Ballet. Well, that fell through, and "plan b" fell through (COSI's "Friday Family Fun" deal is only the last Friday of the month now). So we settled on just dinner with the three of us. Can't forget The Princess. So, I have a totally bitchin' hair day, and an even better skin day ... I put on MASCARA, because I looked so hot. It was ALL ABOUT ME! ME ME ME! ha ha

Anyway, Superman (a mutual friend that now lives with R on the weekends) is coming completely unglued because he knocked up his girlfriend .... OH PS, she just drops it on him that she's married, and they are going to "try to save their marriage". Umm, you're having a kid with another man. I'm pretty sure this one ain't salvageable. And to top it all off, it's Superman's birthday (oops we all forgot). So ... I say, OK, bring Superman. Meanwhile, C's girlfriend E is all bummed out because he took the job with an out of state police department, and their house sold within two days of putting it on the market ... so she's all upset that she's got to make the choice of staying or moving. So ... I say, OK, come on E, let's go out. We end up at Olive Garden.

So, this begs my favorite song ... DYSFUNCTION JUNCTION, WHAT'S YOUR FUNCTION? ... It's like a really bad joke. "So, this woman, her ex husband, their child, their friend that knocked up a married woman, and the woman's friend's live in girlfriend are all in a bar ..."

Between three of us (Me, R, and E) we pound down NINE GLASSES OF WINE. We get really silly, then go to R's house and eat Superman's birthday cake. He blows completely apart because the married baby-momma isn't there, and I spend two hours attempting (unsuccessfully) to put him back together again.

Am I going to hell for thinking ... hmmm. I look HOT. I even put on mascara for this. And here I sit hugging a sobbing man that ISN'T EVEN MINE. I gave him my shrink's card, and I hope he calls her.

Friday night totally rates a "WHAT THE HELL?"

Oh, I left a tidbit out of the story so far …the cat. I almost ran over a cat on Friday AM. I'm such a sucker ... I brought it into the house. Sorry. More on her later.

So after my distressing evening Friday, I wake up on Saturday with a hella headache. Enter: two Imitrex and and a large ice-bag, and sleep on the couch. My phone rings, it's Girlfriend. She wants me to go with her to get pictures taken in freaking bum-fuck central Ohio. So I heave myself off the couch and go. She left out the little tidbit that her husband was going with. Remember (or did I even tell you) that her husband accused Girlfriend and I of being lesbians because we spend so much time together? Oh that was a riot.

So we drive to the damned boonies with her husband who is not happy he's going. That was a fun trip. An hour and twenty minutes later, we arrive. We set about getting Girlfriend ready, and her hubby makes some excuse that he has to run to Wal-Mart … something about needing new jeans. Fine. Bye. Girlfriend gets pictures done, I amuse the baby (because God forbid her husband could have taken her). THREE F-ING HOURS LATER he shows back up. Well, we've long since been done. Thanks for coming back. We set about going home. I get back in my cell phone service area, and there's a VM from R wondering what was up with me ... I really wanted to take The Princess to play somewhere, but not now. Dammit. It's now like 9 PM. Too late. UGH. So I go to the next voice mail ... someone called to claim Kitty. It's the loud neighbors in 1915. I call them back and tell them that I won't be home for another hour and a half, and that I can either bring her over when I get home, or I can bring her over in the AM. Well, they insist that I bring her over that night. Fine. They call my cell another TWO DAMNED TIMES in that hour and a half. I consequently take my sweet damned time going home from Girlfriend's.

Get this .. the cat's name? DOODY. Yep, like poop. I think all of those people in that apartment have the collective IQ of a spaghetti squash.

And then, Sunday, Sunday, SUNDAY! Gentlemen, start your engines.

So I wake up at like, 5 AM. Look at the clock. Decide I have another 45 minutes to sleep. Wake up to the alarm going off at 6:15. Wonder why the hell I am waking up that early. Realize I was supposed to wake up 15 minutes prior to that. Panic ensues. That's one fast shower. And one bad hair day. And I didn't really care.

I zip up my boots and go FLYING out the front door. I expeditiously fall square on my ass with my knee under me. Apparently, there is a sheet of ice on my sidewalk. After a quick survey of the neighborhood and confirmation that no one saw me (who the hell else is up at 6:40 AM on a Sunday?) I hobble to my truck and stop for fuel, realize I don't have time for breakfast, and then make the drive at 80 mph to Dayton. I arrive with a minute to spare (just shy of 8 AM).

Judged the Miss Greater Dayton pageant, drove home, got Taco Bell, fell asleep on couch.

Friday was far more interesting than Sunday, in my opinion.

If there's a prize for rotten judgement
I guess I've already won that.
No man is worth the aggravation
That's ancient history, been there, done that!

Super extra bonus points to anyone that can tell me where that song lyric comes from.

I don't have a whole heck of a lot to say today, other than I woke up with one hell of a migraine. Two imitrex, a dose of excedrin, and a dose of tylenol later ... it's gone. Soooo ... by request from one of my readers, here's a run-down of the cast of characters that make a regular appearance in my life. For better or for worse ... and from the beginning of my journal. Everyone's here, but not really in any order. Sorry.

First, and foremost ... there's R. R is my ex-husband, the father of my daughter, and a recurring cause of neurosis in my life. Going out on a limb here, dare I say it ... he is my soulmate. It remains to be seen what the course of our relationship will be.

The Princess is my daughter. She's 18 months old, and a fabulous little girl. She is brilliantly smart, absolutely adorable, and just the sweetest little thing EVER. And I'm not just saying that because I'm her momma.

T is short for "Traveller". T is my on-again, off-again whatever you want to call it. I can't call it a "boyfriend" because he travels far too much, and has other committments that I'm not at liberty to intrude upon. Consequently, I have put a significant amount of distance between the two of us.

B (aka One Hot Bitch) was my college boyfriend. He can also be categorized as the subject of many an Eagles song ... but most prominently, "Life In The Fast Lane". You know, "he was brutally handsome/she was terminally pretty ... they had one thing in common/they were good in bed ..." That's just about the extent of our relationship. We were super compatible in the bedroom, but that was about it. For some reason, we are incapable of maintaining a relationship of any kind.

Gal-Pal (reference the tattoo entry) lives in St. Louis. We met, ironically, on a wedding planning message board on AOL. We struck up an offiline conversation, poking fun at the other imbiciles on there, and became fast friends. We see each other a few times a year now ... she was here for Princess's birthday, and has been a bastion of support for me through some pretty tough times. It just goes to prove that you don't have to live close by to be a close friend.

MAV is a sweet little southern belle. Well, not too southern, she lives in northern KY ... heh heh, she said KY. Jesus Christ, the joke never gets old, does it? She totally deserves to be Miss Kentucky, but only has one more shot to make it to the big stage before she ages out.

M has a major obsession with all things New Kids, but most particularly, Jordan Knight. She's marrying a super sweet boy, and I hope they have a litter of children. She is enamored with The Princess, and continually drowns in her cuteness. M will also be my "partner in crime" next year for my major community service project ... along with ...

Z. She and M are high school friends. Z is a trip and a half. She's got a heart of gold, and balls of steel. If only she could find a man (with blue eyes) to treat her like the queen she is ...

Drama Queen is a military wife with two of the cutest daughters ever (next to The Princess, anyways). She hooks me up with big Pilates lovin.

A hooked up with M in a women's studies class during their college days. Turns out, that A is just as wild and crazy (if not more) than the rest of us.

C and E is short for a good friend of mine (C) and his girlfriend (E). If C knows what's good for him, he will never ever let E go. She's worth a million bucks, AND a Kate Spade.

I think that's all of em. Did I miss anyone?

A Waste Of The Good Underwear.

So R and I actually end up going to dinner at Olive Garden, with two mutual friends ... it sucked. I had totally NOT planned on that. Superman (one of the friends) was having a meltdown, and we were lambasted with tales of his neuroses for hours on end. For Christ's sake ... I don't know how to help him. I feel so awful. And I feel so guilty, because all I wanted to say was "good God, I am not getting any closer to getting any here!"

So, judging from my tone of voice ... I polished off two glasses of wine.

Maybe tomorrow will be better.

Yet another part of the feminine mystique.

I swear, women have so many neuroses. How is it humanly possible that the female of the species has made it through the Darwinian combine? You'd think that, considering all our fallibility, women would long since have been rendered extinct just by simply overanalyzing ourselves to death.

Here's my dilemma. Tomorrow night, R and I have plans of some sort. The Ballet fell through, as did my "Plan B". So it looks like just a movie kind of night. Would you wear "the good underwear"? I'm having a significant struggle with this. If it were anyone else that I were going out with, there would be no question ... new tanga's for all! But I feel as if I may be presumptuous if I wear "the good underwear" ... But I would feel not at the top of my game if I were not wearing "the good underwear" ...

How much must I think on this prior to exploding all over my living room?

My life's in the pooper, and God has his hand on the flush valve.

I really am making a conscious effort to be more positive, but good Lord it's so hard to be that way today. It just seems like my day has kicked me in the ass every way I turn. Ever since my earlier "Stuart Smalley" entry, it just went way the freak down hill.

R can't find a sitter for Friday nite, and there is no way in hell I'm about to blow $50 on ballet tickets when I'm not 100% guaranteed I'm going to use them. So I have to cough up a "plan b". Got any ideas? I was really looking forward to the ballet, but it's not to be, apparently. I just keep telling myself ... BE FLEXIBLE. But it's tough.

Princess has been a 4-wheel-drive brat the past few days. She's taken to biting, and screaming temper tantrums. I know in my heart that it's just all about the terrible twos. But I still have that nagging concern that it's her way of acting out because she's really stressed from the divorce. I will always second guess myself, no matter what happens.

At any rate, here's something to make you smile ... and think. I got it from the author of the la la la la lemon journal via email. Enjoy.

TOP TEN REASONS WHY SAME-SEX MARRIAGES WILL RUIN SOCIETY

1. Homosexuality is not natural.
(Like computers, airplanes and telephones – these unnatural things have no place in our society.)

2. Only heterosexual marriages are valid because only they can produce children.
(Which is why we do not allow infertile couples and old people to marry.)

3. Gay parents will only end up raising gay children.
(Just as straight parents only raise straight children.)

4. Gay marriage will tarnish the institution of marriage.
(Just as Britney Spears' two-day just for fun" marriage and Brigham Young's 56 wives strengthened marriage.)

5. Heterosexual marriage is traditional.
(That's why women are property, can't vote, and why Blacks are kept as slaves.)

6. Same-Sex marriage is an issue that should be decided by people, not the courts.
(Because elected legislators, not the courts, have historically protected the rights of minorities.)

7. Same-Sex marriage is not supported by religious teachings.
(In a theocracy like ours, the values of one religion are always imposed on the entire country. This is why we only have one religion in America.)

8. Same-Sex marriage will only encourage straight people to be gay.
(In the same way that brown-eyed people in the presence of blue-eyed people are encouraged to change the color of their eyes.)

9. Legalizing same-sex marriage will open the door for all kinds of perverted behaviors, like people marrying their pets.
(Because dogs and cats are recognized as citizens and can legally sign contracts and marriage licenses.)

10. Children cannot grow up to be functioning adults without both male and female role models at home.
(This is why it is illegal for single parents to live with their children.)

Bon soir!

Stuart Smalley At His Finest.

As part of my head shrinking yesterday, we discussed that women, particularly professional women, don't practice a good amount of what she calls "self care". By this, she means the whole affirmation that you are indeed "good enough, smart enough, and doggone it people like you". Also, a working mom is the worst kind of woman, because everything else takes away from her self-worth, and when there is time for her ... there's nothing left. So she suggested that I need to do something for myself. Hence the trip to Bath and Body Works.

Here I sit, $48.57 later.

I got:

A car freshener thingy with Fresh Linen inserts to plug into my steeenky car.
Two crackled candles (Raindrops and Blooms)
Two wallflower refills (Fresh linen)
some Fig hand cream
and a lipbalm, Red Currant.

I now have, at least, $48.57 worth of affirmation.

Keep on roaming Bert! We don't want any crazy today!

Today was my weekly head shrinking. I'm not fond of the "after work" appointment, I like the "lunchtime dose of reality" far better than the "lets just ruin the evening" thing. I have absolutely no desire to have an evening appointment again, because it drains me. Then, I just come home alone and do nothing. It's annoying.

Anyways, we talked about what I want to gain from the whole counselling experience and when I thought I would be "healed". I said that it was not likely for me to be "healed" until I had some resolution to the R issue. I realized today that what is hindering my life is there is no resolution in sight. I think that if there were a resolution in sight, no matter whether it was "get out of my life for good", or "let's make a go of it, and see where life takes us" ... that I would be able to begin the healing process. I'm not sure how long it would take, but it would help to know where I'm going. I just won't ask Mapquest.

I am a very "black and white" person, by nature. I chose a profession that requires me to be that way, because I'm a stickler for rules. I don't deal well with the unknown, and I don't function well with the things I can't control. I know I can't control this situation with R, and I think that's what's making me nuts. My therapist and I spent the entire hour today talking about what makes me like that, and if I can ever change that. I said that sure, people can always change, but this bizarre flaw of mine is part of my DNA, I think. Not likely to change.

In other news, I HAVE NOTHING TO WEAR for Friday. Did I tell you that R is going with me to the Ballet? YAY! I bought a new shirt on Sunday, but I don't know what pants I will wear with it. I have a feeling I will end up in my standard uniform of black and gunmetal grey. Maybe a fun new pair of shoes is in the cards. And why not ... I deserve them.

We're Here! We're Queer!
a.k.a. Here comes the bride.

Allow me to preface this entry with a disclaimer: I am not gay.

Now that we have that little formality out of the way ... here's my thoughts. I think that a ban on gay marriage is stupid. I'm not, as you can see, a huge fan of the concept of marriage anymore. Maybe someday, but not for now. But I think that if a couple love each other, and they want to have that deep and legally protected commitment ... then go for it. I think that GWB simply is using his political power to continue furthering his conservative religious agenda. He wants to discriminate against Americans simply because HIS RELIGION SAYS SO. I think this is an absolutely ridiculous argument.

Why? As the ever-eloquent Drama Queen (see link to her journal in the side bar) put it: "My religion forbids mixing meat and dairy. Yet countless Americans are doing just that every day. I think it's an abomination as does my G-d. I found Dubuya's speech to be inspirational. If he gets to propose an amendment based solely on his religious beliefs, I fully expect to be granted the same right. I therefore propose a constitutional amendment forbidding the aboninations that are cheeseburgers. Support G-d. Forbid cheeseburgers!"

Now, doesn't it sound silly when you put it like that? Why aren't we pursuing a constitutional amendment forbidding the mixing of meat and dairy? If we had a Jewish president, and s/he did this, it would be loudly and soundly ridiculed. Why is it OK if it's a "mainstream" religious person pulling this crap?

Wow. The view from the top of this ivory tower is really awesome.

We want a lady in the street
But a freak in the bed

Ahh, s'wonderful to be home. I had a nice drive, it took me about 1.5 hours less to get home than it did to get there. The young lady that we selected as PJM will do well at nationals, I'm sure. Her areas that need improvement are strictly cosmetic. I've always said that I could always help shop for a new gown, but I can't teach interview. Intelligence is born, NOT made.

R introduced me to something absotively wonderful this evening. Noval Raven Port. Oh my goodness, it's so smooth. I only had about a half-shot of it, because it's 39 proof and I had to drive. But we agreed that we would have more, at another time, when we both didn't have to work the next day.

I am pretty tired, so not a whole lot is getting written tonight. Sorry! More tomorrow.

i still remember
when thirty was old

Mapquest is the work of the devil. See, it said that it would take me only four hours and four minutes to get to Indiana, PA from Columbus, OH. But it neglected to take into consideration that it had THE WRONG DAMNED STREETS LISTED! So I ended up an hour south of where I needed to be. I left my office at 5:20, and arrived in my hotel room at 10:35. UGH. I'm exhausted.

Back in the day, I would be able to go at least a few rounds after a long drive like that. Today, I am so tired, that I'm going to bed.

Random observation: Tom Arnold is on Jay Leno's show. Tom needs to sit still. He is so jittery ... he looks like me after a few doses of Metabolife.

Big Red's a bitch, we all know that! Even she knows that!

I hate classes. I'm so tired of this busywork bullshit. I feel like I am just wasting time, and twiddling my thumbs. I really haven't learned a damned thing in three semesters. I typed out a submission to my professor, and AOL crashed and took an hour's worth of work with it. I want to just punt my laptop across the fucking living room.

On to other issues: today, I received a desk drop advertising Ballet Met's Beauty And The Beast. I seriously debated it, but I sent R an email and asked him to call me. He did, promptly, and I asked him to go with me. I told him that I asked him because he was my first choice, but that if he didn't go with me, that I had other people that I could ask to be my date. I told him to sleep on it and let me know tomorrow. We shall see what transpires.

Whilst rewriting my submission to my professor, I watched "Bring It On" for about the umpteenth time. And that, in case you didn't recognize it, is where the subject line came from.

I'll be gone all weekend, but I'll do my best to stop in and update you on my madness. Love to all.

Tick, Tock. Tick, Tock.

Today's head shrinking was really productive. We talked a lot about how I ended up "here". We talked about what brought me to this juncture, and what I thought was "the beginning of the end" with R. I did a lot of talking, thinking, and crying. Here's what I came up with:

• R was really and truly raised by a single momma. The parallels are uncanny, between the typical "single parent household" and the situation he was raised in. With the exception of the whole "totally broke" thing, of course. You see, his dad travelled all the time, much like T does, all week every week. When he was home, he was a fabulous dad. But sometimes, quantity time is really better than quality time. It sounds so terribly sexist, but I am a firm believer that a boy needs a strong, omnipresent father figure. Consequently, R has a bit of a warped view of what a regular marriage is like, because (through no fault of his own), his dad was never really around. Don't misunderstand me, R's dad is a wonderful man. And it really isn't a question, he loves his boys. And both R and his brother turned out to be upstanding men ... overachievers, but upstanding. I suppose that if the only emotional fallout from his youth is that, then he's doing OK.
  
  
• It is unfair to myself to NOT move on. Eventually. My therapist had a great point, in that I need to set a deadline for myself to abide by. That way, it puts the proverbial ball in R's court, and it assuages my guilt that I didn't wait for him to get his act together. So, I need to sleep on it, and decide when The Day will be. I will continue to wait for R, and hope that he decides what he wants by then. After that point, I will have no guilt about moving on, because he will have made the conscious decision to do nothing. Plain and simple.
  
  
• Our relationship denigrated because of what I have now termed "The Staircase Effect". Imagine you are going down a staircase. You stop at the landing, and then something causes you to step over the edge. You drop down, a step at a time, landing by landing, until you hit the bottom. It's like everything is fine while you're on each step, or on the landing, but every time there's a fight ... I would just smooth everything over until it hit a landing. From there, it was "smooth sailing" until the next time. We never worked on going back up the stairs ... just down ... until we had hit rock bottom and it was too late to fight our way back up again. Of course, I think there were other problems, but I think the staircase effect was the root cause of our separation.
  

You know, people that are depressed and confused can really benefit from someone to listen to them and help them sort out their problems. Even if all they do is sit across from you in a chair and let you cry, it still helps. Sometimes, the best talk therapy is what you get when someone just sits there, steers your obsessing and hysterical sobbing to really dig deep into your own soul, and gets to the heart of what really truly matters. And then, the tissue that they hand you is a true saving grace.

Trust me.

Congratulations. You are a Screaming Orgasm.
Kinky and fun, you know how to scream and you sure know how to have one hell of a party!! And one hell of a night . . .

This little insight into my soul was brought to you by: The "What Drink Are You?" Quiz!

Seriously, I think these little "quizlets" are flawed. It's not that I can't imagine myself as a "screaming orgasm" (note that I said "as" a screaming orgasm ... not "having" one). It's that I fancy myself more of a Grey Goose Cosmo Girl.

At any rate, I am so pleased that I'm done with my major projects at work. It weighed so heavily on my mind, because I don't like to get behind the 8-ball on things of that nature. I just am glad it's over now till April. Tomorrow, I get to spend the day working on writing procedures. Mind-numbing really, but I'm so glad that I'm not running flights of steps for hours on end.

Also tomorrow, I get to go get my head shrunk. I did my "homework" for her, basically answering the burning question of: what do you hope to gain from the sessions? I do hope to get a bit of reassurance that my neuroses are completely normal. I think I need a little ego-stroking, and a little hand-holding to tell me that it's OK to obsess about R.

Have a good night.

Pour Quoi?

I guess I'm not really sure what today's entry is about. I don't have much to say, really. I guess I can update on all fronts.

R: I am giving him the time and space he needs to pull his head out of his ass. It remains to be seen whether I will date until he decides to pull it together. I think that if I do date, it had better be good. Thus far, I've managed to nitpick at very worthy folks. But they all share the same fatal flaw: They are just not R.

T: He's pissed at me because I'm really busy for the next few weeks. I will be in PA this weekend, and in Dayton next weekend. He gets so crabby about my planning my life, but HE'S the one that travels all week, every week. And he also wins the award for "Most Drama From A Man". And that's a hell of an achievement compared to R!

AWNSDI: My tax return is going to pay down a good part of my credit cards. I want to pay off the one ($650), but the big one has like, $4000 on it. I should be able to pay off half of it. But, on the upside, I had seriously considered forbearing that card, but I think I will just suck it up, and pay it off, and close it on MY terms.

I hope that soon, I will be able to return to the Martini you know and love. Till then, you'll have to be happy just reading how I like to beat myself up. And my shrink will continue to love how Aetna pays the bills for my weekly bitch session.