Yesterday's Letter To R.

I wanted to say all of this in person, but it doesn't appear that I'll have that luxury anytime soon. So, here goes. Some of these sentences may be run-ons, so please just grade me on content and not grammar. :)

What I was driving at with my (admittedly, quite poorly written) email last night is this: I feel like I am "bothering" you by asking you to go places or do things with me. I know you are busy, but so am I. And you are very important to me, so I make it a point to carve out some time for you in my schedule ... but you don't really seem to want to take it. If I'm wrong, please tell me. I think that you and I are such similar creatures. We throw ourselves mercilessly into our work, so that we don't have to think about the tough personal and emotional issues that confront us. I'm learning that confrontation isn't always such a bad thing, and really is helping me gain some equilibrium in my life.

I'm in a very strange "holding pattern" for right now, because I'm doing the best that I can with what's going on in my heart. I feel that it would be hypocritical of me to date, when I have told you that I want to try to work things out with you ... because how could you take what I say as being serious if I just turn around and do exactly the opposite of what I say? In my opinion, actions speak far louder than words. And don't misunderstand me ... guys have asked me out. And I turn them down. I don't want to date anyone right now until I have some resolution to my thoughts and feelings. I really put myself out there with you, and took a huge gamble by telling you what I feel.

But, on the flip side ... while I want to wait for you to reconcile your heart with your head, and decide what it is that you want, I don't know when you'll ever "figure it out" because you haven't communicated anything to me. It's been a month since I told you how I felt, and what I was thinking. I know you are really busy, but I feel like you are finding other things to do so that you don't have to confront the issue. I feel like you are almost afraid to be alone with me. I don't bite, I promise. Not unless you ask nicely. (OK, bad joke, I know. Just trying to lighten the mood a bit.)

I will always be your friend. Always. Nothing will ever change that. But I am a wonderful woman that deserves to have someone to love her and be her partner in life. And the person I choose to be my partner will be lucky, indeed. My love is a precious gift. Very precious. And I don't want to continue to give it unrequited to someone that will only let it wither away. I have made it clear that I want to be by your side, and support you in whatever you do (whether it's personal, or professional, or whatever). I have extended the offer to you, and at this point you need to choose what you want. I'm not asking for a long-term decision here, but I would like *some* sort of feedback. I don't want to continue to bother you or waste my time pursuing something that will not be.

You know where to find me. I'll be home all night tonight (homework) and tomorrow after wings with C and E. I have no plans other than that. If you would like to talk in person, I can gladly come to you after the princess is in bed. Let me know.