Ring ring ... what's that noise?
Oh, it's the clue phone. It's for you.

ARIES (March 30, 2004) - The movement in the sky may create frustration, as someone seems to be playing extremely hard to get. No matter whether you wear your most alluring clothes, or how much you sparkle, they seem to head off in the opposite direction. However, they have a very strange way of showing their deep interest, and that is to appear as though they apparently are not.

What the hell is this supposed to mean?!? Am I supposed to be buoyed by this, or what? Right now, all I want to do is go home and SLEEP. I'm tired. I have nothing going on here at work, so that makes the day drag on even slower. MAV and I have dissected our respective neuroses, and we both have decided that we are quite proficient at allowing men to walk all over us.

I didn't sleep again last night. You look surprised at that revelation! Oh well, at least there was a good episode of Conan Extra Late on last night. It was the one with Jim Carrey from Toronto. Funny as all get out. But I wasn't laughing. I spent the better part of the night alternately nursing a migraine, crying, and throwing up. Yet another blissfully wondermous night in Martini's house. Did you know that after "round two" of Leno and Conan, that there is a "really early Today show" that's broadcast from Philadelphia? Just FYI.

I opened The Princess' bedroom door about five times and just looked in at her sleeping so peacefully. It is so hard to know that her little heart just aches for a normal life. She gets that from me.

It ripped my heart out to hand her over to R's mom this morning. This isn't how it's supposed to be. It took everything in me not to just have her sit down, and just unload everything on her. But I didn't do it. I'm not sure what stopped me. Actually, I know exactly what stopped me ... my pride. Apparently, I do have one shred of dignity left.

Told R to call me last night after 9 and I got the princess down for night-night, because I really needed a friend. He gave me some blah-blah about getting a haircut and dinner and going to this one place that he does consulting work for. I didn't hear from him. I honestly was only half surprised. Eventually, I'll get the hint that I'm literally beating the dead horse. But until he finishes completely humiliating me, I won't get the clue.

Through an entry on Futile Attempt, I found a site called Divorce Busting. I keep reading parts of it, because I continually see little glimmers of what I really think is misplaced hope. I'm unsure whether this information I'm gaining is actually helping my situation, or really is just adding further fuel to the fire that continues to burn what little is left of my sanity.

Oh, and here's the "edited" version of the letter I wrote to R. This was all via email on Friday. He was a bit confused about the way I wrote the first part of it (which you read below) so I finally just explained it in the most even terms I could think of. Y'know, the continual process of my "rubbing salt in my own wounds" with no response is really growing old. If you had someone telling you this, wouldn't you stop and at least THINK about what you are doing to them? I think I've made it quite obvious that he is ripping my heart out and stomping on it daily anymore.

Maybe I was a little too tactful and subtle. I tend to do that when I don't really want to come right out and say things that expose my innermost thoughts and feelings. Let me spell it out for you. It's not like I haven't already completely alienated and/or scared you, so what the hell. Here goes.

I have been waiting for you to get your act together. I am so totally blinded by the fact that I love you and know that my idiocy screwed everything up, and rather than stand up and fight for what I believed in, what I wanted, I just let it go without argument. I should have stood up long ago and said EVERYONE STOP IT, what's important here is R and I. Because when I said "for better or for worse" I MEANT IT. And that is my fault, because I did NOTHING to stop the demise of our relationship. I fueled the fire even more because I didn't pay attention to the things that my body was telling me until late November, and quit the medication cold turkey. For someone that's supposed to have an IQ in the "genius" range, I certainly do some really dumb things with my life. I screwed up. I WAS WRONG. And you know how hard that is for me to say. I don't want to apply any pressure to you because what I have dropped on you for the last three months is what I SHOULD have dropped on you for the past year of my life, and I know it's a lot to take. I don't want to stress you out or make you feel like I'm being this whiney and needy and confrontational woman, but instead I had sincerely hoped it would open a dialog.

In the course of trying to sort my feelings out and realizing what it is that I *DO* want, I managed to initiate two relationships that were slightly more than casual. Not anything restrictive or exclusive, and I sure as hell didn't let them meet my daughter. To me, that's the biggest step in a relationship, because she doesn't deserve to be confused by another man in my house that's not her daddy. I put the brakes on both of them under the ruse of needing time for school and other things, and also dealing with some personal demons. Well, they got tired of waiting. And I can't say I blame them. Oddly enough, I'm not upset about the demise of the relationship, I'm upset that I have failed with something yet again.

And great. I'm crying again.