Batting 1,000!

At some point during the night, I rolled over 1,000 visitors. Who'd have thought that a tiny little pithy self-indulgence would have so many people that love it? Or maybe it's just the old adage of "Misery Loves Company". Any way ya slice it ... a round of Cosmo's for all! Congratulations on a milestone.

So anyways, My life is just a mixed drink right now ... so many intoxicating substances dumped into a cup, then capped and shaken like hell. I'm trying to right myself, but every time I think I'm "right" again, someone decides to shake my shit all up again.

C took a job working for a southern state's city police department. Ten hours away, by car. Not only was I dealt that blow today, but he's moving next weekend. I'll be really sad to see him go, he's been a rock for me through this entire R drama. He's been non-judgmental, kind, and understanding. He's also managed to remain neutral between the two of us (R and I). I don't know how he does it.

This weekend will be hard. I'm home all weekend, alone. R has The Princess, and they are travelling to see his brother in Indiana, and picking up his mom while there.

I'm really tired of being in this emotional holding pattern. I'm tired of R playing mind games with me. Because he is. I put myself out there, totally on a limb, and he hasn't responded. I think he is truly afraid of being with me, because he is perfectly happy moving on with the random whore he picked up online (I have friends, you don't think I hear this stuff? Come on, now.). There's no baggage there, no history ... just the giddy newness of a relationship not mired in the daily grind of dishes, diapers, and mortgage payments. People change, dynamics change, and life changes. I need to just stop raking myself over the emotional coals and kick myself in the ass.

I need to listen to Gal-Pal and be done with it ... I'm an absolutely beautiful woman that DESERVES happiness. I don't deserve to be alone. I deserve someone that is far better than R ... someone that loves me and respects me and treats me like the queen I am. My head is finally speaking to my heart, and I think my heart is about ready to listen. I think I'm almost ready to move on now. I'm just ... tired. I can't sleep, and I think I feel another round of vomiting coming on ...