now i believe there comes a time
when everything just falls in line
you live and learn from your mistakes
the deepest cuts are healed by faith

I have been perusing my CD collection, as I will be putting in some major mileage over the next few weeks. That one's from my beloved Pat Benetar CD. It's really accurate right now. Only time and faith heal the deepest wounds. I can't manipulate time, but I can strengthen my faith in myself.

This weekend, we're having a kickoff meeting for my new service project. Next weekend, MOTHER'S DAY! Weekend after that, Girlfriend will be in Mrs. Ohio. And the weekend after that, I hope to bring Princess up here to my hometown festival. I always loved it as a little girl, and I hope that she'll love the parade and the big carnival that comes with it.

I'm seriously debating whether or not to stop in and see B tomorrow (whoa ... that one came outta left field, didn't it? Refer to the first posts in my journal for more on B). I drove by his business (he owns an exotic / classic car dealership) this afternoon and almost stopped. But I was rain-soaked and tired. We didn't really part that amicably last time. Here's the scoop (because I just kind of let him fade out, and didn't mention him again, per his request). He was a little skeeved out that I was writing about "things", and he requested just to fade into the background. So, I let it happen. We lost touch, as we are apt to do, and I haven't pursued it since. Maybe I'll stop by tomorrow. After all, it's just a friendly visit, right?

C asked me tonight (talk to him just about every day ... both of us have Verizon cell phones so we can converse at no cost) what B looked like. And I tried to describe him. I failed miserably. As I was just down watching a bit of TV, it hit me. He looks a lot like Jason Wiles (Bosco) from Third Watch. Not identical, but really really close. B has a nice smattering of freckles. Not obnoxious freckles, but freckles that are absolutely adorable. But yeah, that photo (click the link above) is pretty damned close. I have GOT to find a photo of B and I together.

Yep, I think I'll stop by. If I have a good hair day. Till tomorrow ...

PS. Here is at mom and dad's. I realize I'm just escaping the loneliness by getting out of Columbus. I just don't want to look at my empty house, with toys scattered everywhere, and think of my sweet girl all weekend until she comes home.

No, mommy. No cry.

I have never been much of a "Friends" fan, but I have been watching the last couple of weeks. Tonight, it appears that Rachel and Ross are going to get back together. I sat on the floor and sobbed uncontrollably while holding my Princess. She just looked up at me with those big blue eyes and said "no mommy. no cry." Then she reached up and brushed away my tears and said it again in her whisper-sweet voice ... "no cry, mommy." And you know what? She's right.

I'm tired of crying. I'm tired of being alone. I'm tired of going to bed alone, waking up alone, coming home alone. I'm tired of the only man in my life being my cat. Don't get me wrong, Salem is quite the catch, but he's a little too hairy for my tastes.

My heart aches for a companion, a soulmate, a confidante. I have no one to share my joy, my pain, my life with. I am growing impatient with R to get his life together and decide what he wants. I really have tried hard to wait for him, but I don't know how much more I have in me. How much can a woman be expected to take before her entire life shatters like her broken heart?

Who owns who, here?

A Brave New Blog!

So, whattaya think of the new digs? Impressive, eh? Super extra special thanks to May*Star Designs for the smurfy new template.

It's Wednesday! Guess what time it is?

What's On ..... Right Now?

What's On your shopping list Right Now?

Well, on my list is ... a social life, some sleep that doesn't require Excedrin PM, and some milk for The Princess ... she drank it all. But not necessarily in that order.

Hope everyone likes the new template and the new name. It's much more appropriate for a hot mom of the world's best toddler. :)

Leave me a comment with your answers! Mine are there too.

Would you rather:
1. have the lifetime channel make a movie out of your life OR the playboy channel?
2. lick a cat's nose OR give it a proctology exam without gloves? (thanks nicole)
3. find a bag containing $20,000 and turn it in before you find out it belonged to an known mob boss OR not turn it in, spend it all, and find out it belonged to an orphange?
4. find out your parents kidnapped you when you were a baby and raised you as their own OR find out you had a twin that died at birth that they never told you about?

Is this any way to raise a child?

Today, R and I "bickered" via email for a few hours about the June/July/August schedule for visitation with Princess. I hate that I have to schedule time with my child. I hate that we have to fight about who gets her and when. I hate that this has become a business transaction, with my child's life being the currency. I feel like a failure as a mother, because her father and I couldn't make it work. She is the one that's punished, she's the one that's bounced back and forth, because of our petty differences. This poor child has three homes: Mommy's, Daddy's, and the sitter's. She doesn't know whether she's coming or going. She eats a lot of her meals from a bag, in the car, because Mommy works 45-50 hours a week. It's days like this that I am so angry at R. But really, I don't have the right to be solely angry with him, I failed too.

For that matter, what WAS the reason we divorced? Was it because of infidelity? Not on my part, and not that I know of on his part. Was it because one of us was incarcerated? No. Did either of us die? Umm, we're still here. We divorced because we were too God damned stubborn to admit we were wrong. And who is suffering? A beautiful, wonderful little girl. What the hell is wrong with us?

Anyhow. On to brighter news. Guess what? DRAMA QUEEN'S HUSBAND IS COMING HOME! If you haven't read her journal (linked in the sidebar), please go and do it now. Leave her a comment, rejoicing in the fact that her husband is being brought home to her, safe and sound. Share the wonder that her husband is coming home to the little girls he left behind as infants ... but will come home to as toddlers. Encourage her, because her life is about to change drastically yet again. Click here, and send her some love.

Poll Position.
Rolly Polly.
And Many Other Puns That I Can't Think Of Right Now.

I got rid of the poll. Here's the results:

The Anniversary: 17%
May 1st: 2%
June 1st: 25%
R Sucks, Don't Wait For Him: an overwhelming 56%

I noticed that my schedule for May is really tight, with Mother's Day, two seperate Mrs. Pageants (supporting Girlfriend and another friend) and many other things. So June 1st isn't really all that far fetched. I think that I could likely wait it out that long ... if he were actually inclined to GET his head out of his ass anytime soon. Hmm. Suggestions? Thoughts? Suggestive thoughts?

Brand Loyalty.

Oh, Imitrex. How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.

I woke up in the middle of the night, and threw up. For no reason. I got up ten minutes before my alarm went off, and then took a shower, hoping it would make me feel better. I went in and sat down to have my morning worship of Mike Valpredo, and then had that urge again. NO, you dirty bird, not THAT urge (at least not this time) ... the urge to puke. Then it hit me like a Mack truck ... migraine. And I've had a screaming headache all day long. I took Princess to the sitter's, and literally slept the day away. I had to go this afternoon and get my script refilled, and also stocked up on random "this makes me feel better" food.

I'm PMSing, and cranky. And really really lonely. Off to take more sumatriptan succinate and head to bed.

PS ... to answer questions about R ... we said we'd have "the talk" at a later date, but we WILL have it. I need that "closure", whatever the answer may be, to salvage that last wee bit of my sanity. There ain't much left, but damn it I'm going to keep it.

Hell Hath No Fury Like A Lego Scorned.

Princess has this incessant need to take all of her legoes out of their box at the same time. And when I say all of them ... I mean it. Every. Single. Lego. Tonight, she was tired (finally got her to take a nap, more on that later), and was not happy that I made her clean up her legoes. Well, one got left out, on the darkened bathroom floor, and I stepped on the damned thing. I'm just glad that she's still young enough for the "duplo" blocks, and not the little tiny ones that will really make me cuss.

Speaking of naps, she finally passed out at about 3:30, and slept till almost 5. I went in to wake her up, and she was sleeping on the floor. She had gotten out of her bed, and had fallen asleep, baby-doll in hand, on the floor. Remind me why I spent a small fortune on her bed and linens again?

WalkAmerica was a blast. It really didn't rain until we were walking back to the truck, but instead it spit drizzly rain all day. We did the 1-mile "buggy brigade" instead of the long 5 mile walk, but it was OK. There were THOUSANDS of people there, and I saw several folks with the rolling bag that you had to raise $500 to get. So I hope that a lot of money was raised today to help fight prematurity. Girlfriend walked behind the banner, kicking off the walk. She's a current Mrs. pageant winner, and her platform is March Of Dimes. I got tons of photos!

No contact from R today. I didn't expect it, so that's OK. I guess I'm finally to the point to where I don't get my hopes up ... that way, when he lets me down (and inevitiably, he does) I don't feel quite so bad. I'm still sad, but not completely devistated as I used to be. I'm not sure how I'll approach the whole "we need to talk" thing. I'll have to sleep on it. As Austin Powers says ... "and ... I'm spent."

PS ... couldn't forget one of the most important things that happened today ... KEEP YOUR LAWS OFF MY BODY! I am a mother, a daughter, and a woman ... and I'm pro-choice. It's not MY place, or my government's place, to tell women what choices that they can and cannot make. I couldn't be there in person, but I am proud to support NARAL and the March For Women's Lives.

Is dysfunction contagious?

Cats are supposed to be aloof and finicky. So why does mine like Goldfish crackers? He's a garbage hole.

Just got back from WalkAmerica, there were THOUSANDS of people there, even in the rain! More later. Princess hasn't had a nap yet. Yes, it's 3:20. Yes, she usually takes one from 12:30 till about 2. Yes, she's crabby.

Text Message Du Jour.

Would love to talk about "things". 11 PM, over wine, on my patio? If not, I will take the hint for good. See you then?

Stay tuned.

11:15 PM Update: R just called, he's going to bed, exhausted. After I drug him from one end of the zoo to the other today, he went into his consulting job at 3:30. He just got home. He's exhausted, so a heart-to-heart discussion would likely get lost on him right now ... as my money's on the idea that he'd fall asleep sitting up.

About today: Went to the zoo, R actually beat me there. I bopped through the gates right on time at 11:00, and he was already sitting there waiting for us. Guess he didn't want to cough up that $5 after all. We had a lot of fun, but it was really ... well, it was weird. I can't read him anymore. I had no idea what the hell he was thinking. It was strange because both of us took excruciating pain to not touch each other. And if we did, we stammered an apology. It was, in a word, odd.

Princess passed out cold in her stroller at about 1:15, and she woke up just as we were coming out of the tunnel at the front of the park. She had so much fun looking at the fishies, and the "baaabeee elll-uh-fennn-TUH" (baby elephant). She loved the monkeys, and talked to the "berrrr-deeees" (birdies). She was a bit perplexed that mommy and daddy were at the zoo with her. Together. And to tell you the truth, it was a perplexing situation, indeed.

Tomorrow is WalkAmerica. I raised, between everyone's donations and my company's matching grant ... $165. This is just short of the $200 goal I had set for myself, but still far more than others raised. I picked up our shirts (Princess is walking too ... well, taking the stroller for backup) and they are DARLING. I'll be sure to take lotsa photos.

Hollister Ball-Cap? $20.
Aeropostale Sweatshirt? $18.
Your daughter’s cookie-face? Priceless.

Tonight was such a great night to go out and about. It was about 65* and not too windy. The rain also held off for us. We went shopping at Easton (by my work) and had a great time. We went to McDonald’s and got some “nuggies”, and then went cruised around and shopped. Since she was such a good sport, I took her to the Toll House store and got her a cookie. She got chocolate all over her face, it was an absolute riot. Of course, after that, there was a bath in the works, and then night night.

Tomorrow, we are going to the zoo. It still remains to be seen whether R joins us or not. He was supposed to, and I called him this afternoon to firm up plans, and he did not return my call. I sent him a text message to his cell phone that said something to the effect of “thanks for the call back. :) If you are going with us tomorrow, call me. If not, send me 5 bucks. –h.” (the $5 reference is a bet that I made with him … I bet him $5 that he would stand us up or be late.) Haven’t gotten that call back yet. I'll expect my $5 sometime next week. So, screw him.

My shrink says that actions are the heart's true speaking ... and words are just that. Actions are what you really mean. And eventually, actually really soon, I will start listening to his actions rather than his words.

10:15 PM update ... he called. Zoo. 11 AM. Meet ya there. He "claims" he didn't get my text message, but I think he's full of it. Good night, all, gonna be a long day tomorrow.

FAD-Bee.
Or, more commonly known as Friends Against Drunk Blogging.

I'm almost through my first bottle of wine. Working on number two.

I was really "busy" at work today. Truth be told, I found lots of busy-work to keep myself occupied. I wasn't in the mood to deal with anyone, really. But I just sucked it up and went in. I got some really great phone calls and emails today from some wonderful friends. It felt good to know that at least someone loves me!

R and I emailed back and forth throughout the day, as usual. It was really nice, as it was just "fluff" email. Chatty, a little flirty ... just fun. At about 3:45, I excused myself to the restroom and had a good cry. After I came back to my desk, I settled in to answer the email that had come in during the time I was gone. R called me right about 4:30, and checked to see if I was OK. I told him "yeah, I'm OK. Do you believe that?" And he goes "ha ha ... why, are you lying to me?" and I go "mmm. maybe." This, of course, prompted another sobbing fit from me.

I came home, and busted up my handy-dandy foil cutter and corkscrew. I'm really OK. Really. I plan on polishing off both bottles, by myself, watching Friends and Scrubs (but not Will and Grace) and then going to sleep. Passing out, as it were. I just keep telling myself ... the sun will come up, tomorrow ...

Anything you want, we got it.
(including a hefty dose of guilt)

I am officially on a bender, ladies and gentlemen. When I get depressed, I really tie one on. I mean, totally sloppy tie one on. The lucky intoxicant this time? Kaufmann’s and Target. That’s right, I am a compulsive shopper. I am now the proud owner of Provocative Woman, a new mini-flag for my garden, nail polish, concealer stick, and Meow Mix. OK, I confess … the Meow Mix isn’t for me.

See, tomorrow is The Anniversary. At about 3:25 PM tomorrow, I’ll likely be in the bathroom at work sobbing uncontrollably. How life changes in four years! Four years ago, I made a promise. I promised to love, honor, and cherish a man, until death do us part. Umm, I’m pretty sure both of us are still alive. I broke a promise.

I was at Target, just meandering through the aisles. I cruised the photo frame aisles (have an autographed photo of Miss Ohio for my Princess, and I want to frame it and hang it up), and got stopped in the middle of one. There was a young couple, maybe 20 or 21, and they were all over each other. I just kind of stammered something that sounded like “I’m sorry”. I walked over, got the Meow Mix, and came back. They were making out in front of the wedding frames. I can only assume that they were shopping for wedding items. I just sniffled and walked out to check out. And the guilt hit that I broke a promise, and let the two most important people in my life down … R and my Princess.

American Idol: What. The. Hell. Someone please disconnect the phones from Hawaii and send Jasmine home already.

Till tomorrow …

Feelings. Nothing more than ... feeeeeeelings.

Man, I feel icky. Emotionally and physically. I have been beating myself up pretty badly this week, because Thursday is The Anniversary. Physically, my allergies are wreaking havoc on me. Tree pollen is through the roof, and mold spores are a-plenty. I'm going to take some more Advil Sinus and try to sleep.

Operative word is "TRY". I kept waking up every two hours last night, tossing and turning, with horrible dreams. One of my dreams was that I went and got my mail, and there was an invitation to R's wedding to some other woman (the name was blurry) and it was our invitations, same text and writing, etc. I woke up, alone, and shivering in the cold. Another one was that I met R for lunch (as I'm supposed to do tomorrow) and he introduced me to his fiancee (name was just a muffled sound), and then acted like I should be OK with it. Again ... woke up cold and alone.

I can't take anything to help me sleep, because Princess is here. We drove up an hour north of here and met my parents for dinner. Princess was good in the car, and REALLY BAD in the restaraunt. I was embarrassed. Then I came home and Salem (the kitty, or as Princess says, the MEE-YOW) had trashed the house. My clean laundry was scattered all over the floor, and Princess' toys were strewn all over the living room, and the counters were littered with all kinds of stuff.

Off to bed with me. After all, tomorrow is another day.

WHAASSSAAAP!
Nothin. Chillin. Drinkin a Bud Light.

Busy day today, had meetings and such all day long. But lucky me got a free 8-hours off PAID, to use in the future. YAY! I will likely take it off during the summer, to lay by the pool and drink beer for an entire blissful summer day. I can't wait.

Tonight, Princess and I went shopping. We took off to Once Upon A Child and picked up three pairs of jean shorts. Then to Payless and got her a pair of sandals. Oh, yippee, SPRING IS HERE!

This weekend should be fun. Saturday, is ZOO DAY with my princess! Oh, we'll have sooo much fun. And Sunday is WalkAmerica (HEY ... SPONSOR ME ALREADY! EMAIL ME FOR INFO!)

I'm still sniffly, so I will keep it short tonight. Off to take some Robitussin CF and go to sleep.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

I was a total lazy girl today. I napped appropriately, cleaned my golf clubs, did research for my new community service project, cleaned the cat box, cleaned the kitchen, grilled myself a yummy steak and fresh asparagus, and watched an inordinate amount of television. It was so wonderful that I had absolutely no pressure today. It felt strange to not have a pressing schedule to adhere to.

Although, this week, I will be super busy. Tomorrow I have an appointment with my shrink. I haven't seen her in three weeks, because I've been what she terms "stable enough to space out appointments". I'm supposed to have lunch with R on Wednesday. Might try to hook up with a friend this week for lunch, too. Saturday is, in theory, "zoo day" with R and Princess.

Of real importance ... Sunday is WalkAmerica. My sister was a preemie, and Girlfriend's daughter was as well. If it weren't for March Of Dimes, it's doubtful my sister would still be here ... and MOD helped Girlfriend cope with the fact that she had her daughter 5 weeks early. If you'd like to sponsor me, please drop me an email and I'll refer you to my webpage ... you can make a donation online, even on a credit card! Every little bit helps, so even if it's just a few dollars ... please give.

Have a wonderful week. I'm going up to go to bed now. I just closed my windows and turned on my alarm ... time to fire up my A/C.

P.S. to those of you that voted "April 18th" as D-Day ... today has come and gone, and I'm still here in "hopelessly devoted to you" mode. Can ya tell I watched Grease today? Seriously, I think it's fair to all involved to wait and see how Zoo Day pans out on Saturday. I'll keep you posted.

"When one door closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we don’t see the one which has opened for us." -Helen Keller

Today is yet another in a string of bittersweet days. I am sitting here, writing my resignation letter. Everything in me wants to write a scathing diatribe about everything that I think is wrong with the program, and why they are flushing one of their best and most dynamic resources down the toilet. But, because I'm so tactful and kind, I will just blithely say "good bye", and wish everyone the best.

I'm supposed to go to the zoo with R tomorrow, but he hasn't called to firm up plans. If it was anyone else, I would promptly chastise them for being so non-communicative, blast them with a long diatribe regarding their lack of manners, and then refuse to see them again. But, alas ... my ethical boundaries are tested when it comes to R.

It's 9:30 right now ... and I haven't heard from him. Sometimes (well, a lot of the time), he pisses me off to no end.

10:15 Update: He finally called and asked my opinion on tomorrow. Due to his contracting job needing his attention tomorrow afternoon, we would have only had about two hours. For anyone that's ever been to the Columbus Zoo, this should afford plenty of time to fight for a parking space, and then proceed to enter the gates ... just prior to turning around and coming home. So, we agreed to block Saturday off for each other. Here's hoping that he decides not to allow his consulting job to encroach upon his already meager personal life yet again.

It's just as well, because I have a bike that needs ridden, and golf clubs that need cleaned and taken to the driving range. Ben Gelber says it's supposed to be 78 and sunny tomorrow, so I think that I should get out and enjoy it.

It's A Whole Day Of Linky Goodness!

I'm really not in the mood to write much today. So, I'm going to take the lazy girl way out, and share two of my current favorite links. Enjoy the linky goodness, and I'll write tomorrow to update you on Miss Ohio Spring Forum, and all of the joyful backstabbing that it is sure to bring. Please add extra yummy links in the comments section. Share the linky love.

No CARB Bake Sale ... NATIONWIDE, TOMORROW!
CARB = Cheney, Ashcroft, Rumsfeld, Bush
Hit up MoveOn.org and find the closest one to you. Go, support the democratic process at it's grass-roots finest.

The Imperfect Parent
A friend sent me the link to a really great parenting site. It's very tongue-in-cheek, and really "real". Please enjoy "The Imperfect Parent". Pay extra-special attention to "Ask The Angry Baby" and "The WTF Toy Roundup".

Remember that happiness is a way of travel - not a destination.

I'm really trying to remember this mantra lately. It is becoming horribly hard to hide my disappointment with the R situation anymore. We're supposed to go to the zoo on Sunday, but he called and said that he has some consulting work to do, and we will only be able to go to the zoo for a few hours on Sunday morning. I am really disappointed that I don't compare to an $80 an hour salary. I’m making light of the situation, but really I’m annoyed that I have been so very patient and understanding, and I feel like my time was encroached upon. I guess I just feel like it’s kinda the “make or break” time with whatever this thing is that you call between R and I. My hopeful heart just says to sit tight, and it will happen. But in the meantime, I have other decisions to make, and places to go, and people that really want to take the time for me to be there with them. It sounds shallow, because it makes it sound like others are "second best" ... but the truth is, they are.

I have spent the past two months really figuring out who I am, and what I want. I realized today, as I was sitting on the patio with Princess, that I like my life. I wouldn’t say that I totally “LOVE” it, but I can finally say that I am happy with it, but I really want someone to share it with. My major project wrapped up today at work, and I am so proud of my accomplishments ... but a 19-month-old really doesn't understand the finer points of the COSO method of control self-assessment. All she wanted was "Mommy! Morrrre gaaape! Peeeeze!"

Speaking of the cutest little girl in the whole wide world ... we spent two hours outside this afternoon with some sidewalk chalk. Princess doodled lots of stuff on the patio and sidewalk for me, and she came in the house absolutely coated in chalk. We had a nice bath, and some lotion (hey, a girl's gotta take care of her skin), and some cookies and milk for a snack. We talked about what sounds different things make ... her chicken noise sounds like she's saying "bawk-bawk-a-bawk-bawk!" And when you ask her what the cow says, she goes "moooooooo! heh heh ... moooooo!" Silly girl.

R has her this weekend. I'm counting down the hours until my Princess comes home to me on Monday night.

I'm a bad, bad, bad hippie.

I completely and wholeheartedly disagree with Wal-Mart's business practices. That said, I'm a single momma on a budget. Unfortunately, my pocketbook overruled my ethics and values tonight. I saved more than $60 on all of my summer necessities! For less than $200, I am now the proud owner of a table and chairs, patio umbrella and stand, and a new gas grill with a full tank. It's a good thing that the tank was full, too! Why, you ask? Because my cat is "super cat". I left my I.D. badge from work hanging on the inside of my doorknob, as usual, and the cat batted it around the deadbolt and clicked it shut. This locked Princess and I outside after putting together our new toys. Thankfully, I had my cell phone in my pocket and I called the maintenance guy to let us in. I felt like an ass. But hey ... I have a new grill. And that grill cooked my Princess a hot-doggie for dinner while we waited for the maintenance guy to let us in.

A "copy cat" from Just One Bite ... what's on YOUR keychain? On mine, I have a little piggie from my work (I work for a major financial institution), a gold anchor (my sorority's symbol), and multiple "frequent shopper" cards. My cards include: a CVS ExtraCare, a Giant Eagle Advantage, a Raisin Rack (organic grocery), and a Memories (scrapbooking store) card.

American Idol ... I'm not particularly a Fantasia fan, but OH MY GOD she blew me away tonight. Simply incredible. I think that Jasmine is a goner. Thankfully. And I hope she takes that damned flower with her.

Time to watch O.C. I totally adore Benjamin McKenzie. He's soooo cute, I just want to snuggle him all up. I'm not generally one for the "pretty boys", but I sure wouldn't kick him out of my bed for eating crackers.

A Gas Grill Is A Ten Year Commitment, Minimum.

You know, back when R and I moved in together, we bought a gas grill. We mused that it did indeed qualify as a major purchase, therefore conferring the "ten year commitment" rule. Well, the grill was purchased in March of 1998. It's not March of 2008 yet, now is it.

This tirade was inspired by the fact that today, on my lunch hour, I'm cruising over to Wal-Mart to look at buying a gas grill for myself. I hate spending that kind of money, but I really do need one. That, and a table and chairs to eat out on the patio.

According to The Weather Channel, it is going to be simply gorgeous for the remainder of the week. I feel a hunka-hunka-toasty-bratwurst comin on!

Sunday, the day that R and I are supposed to "go and do something", it's supposed to be 75* and sunny. I suggested a zoo day, and I haven't heard back from him as of yet. It's not like I couldn't find something to do without him (like, ride my bike, clean my house, etc. etc. etc.) but I would rather go to the zoo with him and Princess. Speaking of whom … I get her back tonight. Thankfully. I totally missed her. Maybe I'll bust out her wagon and we'll go to the park tonight. We'll see what the weather brings.

Happy hump-day. hee hee .. I love saying that. It sounds so dirty.

Oh, DayQuil! How Do I Love Thee? Let Me Count The Ways.

Today, I actually sound worse than I feel. I sound remarkably like "The Nanny" ? nasally and whiny. It's part of my charm. I have had a miserable head cold since Saturday. It's not often that I get all the way down sick like this, but I suppose that I was "due". I haven't been really truly sick since I moved out from R's house in October! I am a firm believer that your body actually gets "run down" with stress, and this is my body's way of telling me that I need to slow down and enjoy my life again. So, at the risk of no longer supporting the pharmaceutical industry, I will do just that. I will support a fun little winery in my hometown tonight by popping the cork on a bottle of white, cranking up my fireplace, and snuggling with my beloved vellux blanket.

I've been such a bad bad blogger! I haven't updated in a few days. Please don't spank me. On second thought, please DO spank me! Anyways ... here's a rollup of the weekend:

This weekend was really tough. It was bittersweet, knowing that it's finally over. It's so funny when you realize that a beautiful stage show really is an instance of well-orchestrated mass chaos behind the scenes! I think I do what I do because the chaos and the pressure are such a huge adrenaline rush. We got a wonderful winner, a first-timer, and she's excited to be going to Miss Ohio. It really is a testament to her character that she competed in 31 pageants before actually winning a local title. Talk about perserverance! Each time, she worked harder, changed something, and tweaked her routines until it finally paid off. I call this the "Any Given Sunday" theory. You know, on any given Sunday, any team can win the Super Bowl. It just takes the right mixture of the elements, and the correct planetary alignment, for the desired effect to happen. Anyways, we will have a wonderful time with her. We already have plans for Barbie-pink t-shirts with our famous catch phrase: "we put the fun in dysfunctional!" Barbie-pink ribbons and photo buttons too! Oh, this will be FUN! This girl is so happy that she's "ours" that she has already demanded matching feather boa's (our trademark) for her family too. Apparently, the "black sheep" of the organization have quite a following. If you want the link to our website, just email me and I'll give it to you.

Also this weekend, my great-aunt passed away. She had been ill for quite some time, and she was on a full-blown Morphine drip. Even though you know things like this are coming, it still stings when it actually happens. I know in my heart that I celebrated her when she was with us, so I don't see the point in driving home and draping myself over her casket now that she's gone. She'd be pissed anyway that everyone was making such a big fuss over her she'd just tell us to quit whining and go out to dinner.

My Easter was spent on my mom and dad's couch, with Kleenex stuffed up my nostrils to stop the snot-flow. The grand sum-total of my Easter debauchery? A Schwan's sherbet bar and a piece of pizza. My family was wonderful, they indulged the Princess in lots of attention and love for the holiday, and she didn't even miss The Momma. I felt so awful that I stayed an extra day to get some rest. I enjoyed a nice breakfast at Eat N Park on Monday with my mom, and of course the constitutional trip to Target. I also did something I haven't done in more than two and a half years ... I bought a tank top from Express. I have been too heavy to wear anything from there since I got pregnant, and I was able to buy a FABULOUS embellished tank top! I am saving it for Miss Ohio week, along with a fun pair of pink capris to match the stone work on it, and a black camp shirt for over it.

The Princess' newest word? Grandma. Little booger will say "Grandma" but not "Grandpa" when he's around to hear it. And he went to work on Monday, and what did Princess say ALL DAY LONG? Yep, you guessed it ? Grandpa. She's also showing some serious potty-learning readiness signs. Her other new "thing" is to ask "WHASSAT?" and when you tell her what it is, she'll repeat it in the following format: "It's The **insert item here**!" You know, "It's the meee-yow!" or "It's the mommy!" or "It's the woof-woof!" Oh, another fun one: "It's Mommy's **insert item here**!" Every SUV is "It's Mommy's Truck!" and every red car is "It's Daddy's Car!" Oh my goodness, what happened to my little tiny helpless baby? She's getting so big, I just can't seem to make her stop.

No real news on the R front. After sending that long email on Wednesday last week, he has been really communicative and nice. I'm not reading too much into it, really, because I'm actually afraid to. I don't want to hold out hope anymore. I just am ready for a resolution to everything, because this waiting and holding pattern is emotionally draining. Luckily, I will be busy this week with preparations for my meeting on Saturday, and with completing my final exam for my remaining class. The 22nd is next Thursday, so that will be the end of the line for me. That's "put up or shut up" day. My head says it's time to let it go if there's no forward motion by then, and I really hope that my heart is able to listen.

I have to finish my final exam for my class this week. I really need to buckle down and do it, but I'm so sleepy that I just may take a nap. Decisions, decisions.

I love DayQuil. And NyQuil. Hell, anything that ends in "Quil".

I have a horrid headcold. Will write more later, have a great update from the weekend. Love to all.

I Have More Issues Than National Geographic.

Hey all ... up at mom and dad's again. I think I've sufficiently fulfilled my "GOOD DAUGHTER" quotient for the next month or so. Got here last night after a 3.5 hour car ride (it should only take about 1.5 hrs.), and spent the day tying up loose ends for my major community service project (which takes place tomorrow). Princess is feeling a little bit under the weather, she has either allergies or a touch of a head cold. She's not fevered, but instead a little sniffly and snotty. She's still her wild-child self, don't worry.

I'll be glad for tomorrow to come and go. The major community project that I'm involved in lends itself to dramatic personalities, as well as toxic folks that have been known to stab others in the back if they feel it will suit them. Well, I've had just about enough destructive behavior from people ... I can beat myself up just fine, thankyouverymuch. I don't need their help. So tomorrow will be bittersweet, because it will be the end of a ten-year era with me ... but the beginning of yet another new chapter in my life.

News on the R front ... not much. He went to visit his folks in Houston for the Easter holiday. He has been conspicuously talkative since I sent "the letter" on Wednesday. Although I have been super busy with preparations for the program, and chasing after Princess Fussy-Pants, I still have the occasional pang of loneliness for R. After all ... this bittersweet end to my career with the Miss America organization will hurt, a lot. And I wish he were here to dry the tears that will inevitably come.

Last night's strange dream: I dreamt that I was pregnant again, and I re-lived the entire birth experience, but this time Princess was there in the delivery room with R and I. Particularly since we named the baby Caitlin (my favorite name that got vetoed by R). It was most bizarre ... I'll have to re-edit it and post it here for you guys. So, what does it all mean? Maybe my subconscious is trying to tell me something. Anyone have a good dream translator handy?

now it seems to me, some fine things
have been laid upon your table
but you only want the ones that you can't get

A friend told me today that I should listen closely to the lyrics to "Desperado" by the Eagles. Conveniently, I had the CD in my truck. I got it, listened, and realized that it's really me. What do you think?

Desperado, why don't you come to your senses?
You been out ridin' fences for so long now
Oh, you're a hard one
I know that you got your reasons
These things that are pleasin' you
Can hurt you somehow

Don't you draw the queen of diamonds, boy
She'll beat you if she's able
You know the queen of hearts is always your best bet
Now it seems to me, some fine things
Have been laid upon your table
But you only want the ones that you can't get

Desperado, oh, you ain't gettin' no younger
Your pain and your hunger, they're drivin' you home
And freedom, oh freedom well, that's just some people talkin'
Your prison is walking through this world all alone

Don't your feet get cold in the winter time?
The sky won't snow and the sun won't shine
It's hard to tell the night time from the day
You're losin' all your highs and lows
Ain't it funny how the feeling goes away?

Desperado, why don't you come to your senses?
Come down from your fences, open the gate
It may be rainin', but there's a rainbow above you
You better let somebody love you, before it's too late

You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
And know when to run ...

I'm a true Aries. My impatient streak has struck again. My email and some of my systems were down at work today, and I tried to get a hold or R to see if he wanted to have lunch, etc. etc. Well, I got blown off, again. Admittedly, this time it really wasn't his fault that he couldn't go to lunch, but I was already annoyed that I had nothing to do but live inside my head for half the day today. But I digress ...

I laid it all out to R today, hardcore. And I'm tired of waiting for him to get his act together. I know that ultimatums can totally backfire, but at this point I need some sort of resolution to this matter. I've been on a total self-destructive bender for almost two months now, and I just can't take it anymore. Read, enjoy, and please comment appropriately below. Apparently, I still crave validation ...

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

I've been without email and most of my systems for the better part of the day, so I have had a lot of time to think and write.

Sorry if I was a little "sassy" with you on the phone. It's easy to mask my disappointment from behind a keyboard, but over the phone ... mmm, not so much. Shall we just say that patience is a virtue ... and not one of mine. I'm really working on it, though. I know that all good things come to those who wait, but I suck at waiting, and I suck at the whole laissez-faire thing. I'm a woman that likes to take charge and make things happen, not just sit back idly and just hope, pray, and let them happen. I guess you could say I'm assertive, and that's why I'm a wonderful mother, and very good at my job. Unfortunately, being assertive, while a wonderfully desirable trait in a parenting and/or a corporate environment, is obviously not nearly as desirable in a companion for some people.

I feel a lot like I'm playing a really high-stakes game of poker with you. I've shown you my hand, time and time again. But you continue to bluff, and I just can't read it. I have been nothing but communicative, open, supportive, and honest with you since I dropped the bomb on you on February 23rd (yes, it has been that long, I didn't believe it either). And if you are too afraid to ask me what I think and feel, read my journal. I don't mean just skim it, and stop reading when/if you get to something that makes you uncomfortable … I mean sit down with a glass of wine and truly READ what I've written, day-by-day and page-by-page. Take it into your heart and truly feel what I've written. I don't mind. In fact, I think it's a wonderful idea that you do read it all, because that is truly the outpouring of my deepest sorrow and my highest joyfulness. It chronicles my turbulent cry for validation, the reunification of my group of friends, and the heartbreak of you. It's painful to write sometimes, and really painful to go back and read some of the archives now. But it helps to see how far I've come, how much I've changed and grown, and how I'm different as a woman, a lover, a friend, and a mother.

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't disheartened that I continually ask you to go places or do things, and you always seem to have a reason to not go. I understand and respect the whole consulting thing (I think it's awesome, actually), but it seems you can find a way to carve time out of your schedule for everyone else in the world … just not me. I've been telling myself that it's because you are not sure what to make of me anymore (because I AM a totally different woman than I was when I moved out). But really I am starting to think that it is because you just don't want to. If this is the case, please just tell me and stop letting me make a total fool out of myself. Even though I'm really good at it, and don't mind doing it if there is a possibility (regardless of how slim it may be) that it may work out in my favor, I don't want to continually beat my head on the same wall and expect different results. I'm really resilient when it comes to most things in my life. But when it comes to you, I'm fragile like a little flower. I know, I know … bad joke.

I'm glad you are going to go sailing this weekend. I think the quiet time and solitude of the open water will do you a world of good. I know you do your best thinking when you are alone and staring up at a darkened night sky sprinkled with sparkling stars, with the boat gently pitching on the sea under your feet. I hope you understand the magnitude of what I am attempting to say here, because I'm proficient at cloaking my truest heartfelt feelings in tact and verbiage. I've told you that I want to be a part of your hopes, your dreams, your ambitions, and your failures … and that I want to share these parts of my life with you. I want to support you in all your endeavors, and be your partner again. If you don't want this from me, I understand completely, and I will walk away knowing that I have given you opportunity after opportunity to take a chance that so many other men would kill to get … a chance to put their family back together. But please understand that if this happens, I will move on with my life without you in it … and I can't guarantee that I will come back if you decide you've made a mistake by letting me move on without you. I'm a beautiful, desirable woman with a bright future, and a lot to offer in a relationship and in life. I'll always be the mother of our child, and I'll always be your best friend. But I don't want to be alone forever, waiting for you to pull it together. And I know I won't be.

You know that you've always had my heart, like no other man ever has. And you always will. But at this point, I've shown my hand. It's your turn to decide whether you want to ante up and play yours, or fold and walk away. I don't want some deep commitment, or some binding answer … but I deserve the honesty and respect to be told if I'm making a mistake by waiting for you.

I'm not going to e-mail or call you other than if I come across any jobs at my work for you. I want you to take this weekend with your family and with the sailboat, and I want you to really truly think about who and what is important to you.

Love Always,
Martini

I'm a copy cat. Meow.

Futile Attempt inspired me! I put up my list of 100 Things this evening. Go forth and read all about me.

Today was super busy! I had meetings back-to-back all day long, and I barely had time to think today! I like days like this, because it makes the day go so quickly. I almost didn't have time to think about R today. Almost.

Do you ever get that feeling like you're being lied to? Because I have that feeling about R today. He told me last week that he couldn't keep the Princess on Wednesday because of his consulting work. Then he talked about some of the guys and him going salsa dancing. The more I think about it, the more I think he's full of it. Come on ... guys? Going salsa dancing? I've been salsa dancing before, and it's not really a "guy" activity ... it's hot, sweaty, and really provacative. Methinks he has a date and doesn't want to fess up about it to me, for some odd reason. See, I'm not dating anyone right now because I am making sure R knows that I'm serious about this whole "I want to work this out" thing. You know ... actions speak far louder than words. It upsets me to realize that he's dating someone else, but if he had plans, why didn't he just say so? Knowing that he's with someone else is painful, but lying to me hurts even worse.

I jokingly mentioned to him today that he would rather go see a friend of his that he hasn't seen in years and years, than go to the movies with me. He just laughed and apologized again. I said it wasn't necessary, but that sooner or later I would stop asking him out. And he goes "you must think I'm blowing you off, and I'm really not, I swear it!" Umm, I feel pretty blown off. But for some reason I continue to allow him to make a total fool of me. At least until after April 22nd. That's "decision day" for me. By then, we should have went out at least one time, and that should tell me whether I need to stick around after that or not.

A coworker told me today that I sure have a gorgeous smile. Don't know if he's married or what, I was totally taken off-guard by it. I was reminded yet again by Girlfriend that R is not worth my time, I'm pretty and smart and blah blah blah. Back in the day, I *was* pretty. I used to model professionally, and do pageants ... the whole nine. And I am smart ... book smart. I think I'm still attractive, but not "hot" anymore. According to the Tucker Max scale, I would say I'm a high two-star, maybe a three-star on a good hair day. I think I lose a full "hotness" point for being a divorced mom of a toddler.

Good night, all. See you tomorrow. Write up your own 100 Things and share 'em with me.

Girl, you look so good, someone ought to put you on a plate and sop you up with a biscuit!

Today was a really quiet day; not much to talk about. So, when I have nothing to talk about, what do I think about? Of course. Sex! Or in my case, the lack thereof. What, you thought I'd say R? Tonight, it's a whine-free night. But only because my hormones are RAGING, and thinking about R will only aggravate them further. At any rate ...

During a very ... umm ... tantalizing discussion with C this evening, I uncovered a tragic truth. Why is it that a woman's sex drive is always inversely proportional to the amount of sex that a woman gets? When you don't get any, you want more. When the opportunity to get some sweet sweet lovin is there all the time, you assume the "take it or leave it" stance. I'm a little perplexed at this phenomenon. Maybe it's the whole "you always want what you haven't got" thing?

One of the major undoings of my marriage, I think, was my medication for depression. I was on 100 mg of Zoloft a day, and it KILLED my sex drive. I didn't understand what had happened to me until after I stopped taking the drugs. Now I realize that it stopped working about a year or so ago. I am now a far more positive person ... and now, I'm also a hormonal freak.

During the first week of my pills (which, coincidentally, is this week), I am a raving slut. Not literally, of course, but figuratively. God help the man that's lucky enough to get me in bed during the first week of these pills, because I don't think he'll be able to leave the house for a few days. Can you just imagine that call off from work? "Hey, I'm taking some ITO time today. I'm staying in bed all day. No, I'm not sick. Just getting laid. A lot. Gotta go ... time for foreplay again. Bye. "

After all this sex talk, I'm going to go pour myself a glass of wine, and take a nice bubble bath. It's just too bad that there's no one here to enjoy it with me.

Oh, and P.S. Check out this new blog I found. Great, eh? Surf on over to Red Whore and read a while.

It's the good girls who keep diaries; for the bad girls never have the time.
(quote from Ms. Tallulah Bankhead)

Ahh, yes. Another year older. Today is my birthday.

Last night, "The Others" (our little group name for all the girlies and I) got together. The directive? Meet at 6, bring a bottle of wine. Well, four bottles of wine, a quart of fresh strawberries, and two East Of Chicago pizzas later, we were giddy again. Yes, there were five of us. That's darn near a bottle of wine and a third of a large pizza for each of us. Back to exercising tomorrow! It was fabulous to celebrate MAV's crowning. She called halfway through our little party, and we all shrieked in the phone with her. Wonder if she's worn that crown to Taco Bell yet.

I didn't get back to mom and dad's until after 1:30 AM. It felt like I was back in college, sneaking in after the bars closed. Much to my surprise ... my dad was waiting up for me. He said he had a tummyache, but I don't buy it for a minute. He said he was glad that he got to be the first person to say happy birthday to me. Just goes to show ... even after 27 years, I'm still Daddy's Little Girl.

Today was a little bittersweet. I'm not terribly fond of the month of April for right now. I'm in denial that I'm another year older today, and also The Anniversary (yes, folks, that one ...) is on April 22nd (see poll in sidebar). I woke up to a shrieking Princess running up and down the hallway. Again, my dad had "rescued" her, and was letting her run in the house. Ah, the magic of grandparents! Dad made me eggs, Mom made me toast. Ahhh, heaven is indeed defined as a hot breakfast that doesn't come out of a McBag! Then, the day's festivities commenced.

I got the lucky task of going to pick up my grandma. In other families, I think this is known as "drawing the short straw". Now, grandma's had a few strokes, her sense of tactfulness is really dulled. She said something to the effect of "I'm really glad that R's not in the picture anymore." I looked at her, horrified, and then she hastily added on "Well, it's because if you were still married you would have never come home for your birthday like this." Now, I know that she didn't mean it like it came out. But it still hurt to be reminded that R isn't here with me for my birthday. After I took her back to the home after my feast of homemade lasagna and cake, I went to get on the road to get home. I drove by the street of the church that R and I got married at. I am so proud of myself, I didn't stop. I made a promise to myself not to go there today, and I kept it.

On the two hour trip home, Princess napped. Apparently, grandpa wore her out! C called and checked in, he's all moved in. We got almost home, and my cell phone's voice mail rang. I checked it, and it was a sweet message from R wishing me a happy birthday. It was so sweet that he remembered, I am terribly flattered. I'm not reading too much into it, because I don't want to get my hopes up.

Back to the daily grind tomorrow. I'm so spoiled, as I've had Princess home with me for the past three days. I won't know what to do with myself, because I get her back on Thursday night, and I'll have her for the ENTIRE WEEKEND! Oh, I'm in heaven ... at least until I get back to work tomorrow, and I get to deal with a bunch of whiny executives again. Remind me that when I get the letters "V.P." behind my name, that I shouldn't anger the nice folks that save my ass from lawsuits every day.

Buh-Bye, Neeeemo!

Hi all. I'm up at mom and dad's. The sun is glimmering brightly through the windows, and my dad just went in and rescued the Princess from her bed.

Meeting up with the girls at 6 tonight. I'm really doing my best to keep busy today.

Here's a funny Princess story ... R's mom brought her to my house last night so that we could get on the road to our respective destinations. I hooked up the DVD player in the truckster, and loaded up the Princess and grabbed her favorite movie to watch for the trip. We were on the road and all of a sudden I hear her mumbling something in the back seat ... I asked her "what, baby?" and she rolls her eyes at me and goes "Mommy. It's the Neeeemo. Buh-bye Neeeemo." and then turns off the DVD player. I had to pull over because I was laughing so hard. Apparently, she wasn't in a Nemo mood.

I then proceeded to put "Springtime With Roo" in for her. All was well the rest of the way to Akron.

Absence is to love what wind is to fire:
It extinguishes the small, yet enkindles the great.

Today started out pretty sucky, but in the end it was a wonderful day! And I'm not April Foolin'.

The sucky part ... C pulled out for Atlanta today. I will really really miss him. I think a trip is in order as soon as he's settled in. The only time I've been to Hotlanta is when I actually cruised through the Hartsfeld airport to make a connecting flight. I hear Buckhead is a lot of fun, so I can't wait to visit. I just spoke to him, and he's past Lexington right now. They are going to drive till about midnight, and then get a hotel room and crash till about 6 AM and continue on to Atlanta.

The wonderful part ... I've talked about MAV quite often in my journal. She "aged out" of Miss Kentucky as the perennial first runner up. Well, this afternoon, she got the call that will change her life. Miss Southern Kentucky is unable to fulfill her obligations and compete at Miss Kentucky, so MAV is on her way! The official press release will come tomorrow, and she will be officially "crowned" on Saturday. I can't wait till she has a sparkly all her own!

I leave for my folks' house tomorrow. I'll be glad to get out of Columbus, because I think I draw strength from my "homestead"; not unlike Scarlett O'Hara. I'm supposed to meet up with the girls on Saturday night for some libations, and to celebrate MAV's initiation into royalty. Except we will be celebrating by proxy ... she'll be enjoying her first night as Miss Southern Kentucky.

R is going to his hometown, his "Tara", this weekend as well. He'll be travelling in a car with his mom for five hours each way. I hope that his trip is safe and fun. R's mom said that they are hustling to get up there tomorrow night, and then they have to leave by 6 AM to come home on Sunday. Sounds like a long but fun weekend.

I thought a lot about the last time we were there together this morning. I was cranky and just flat-out mean, I think. We never got to visit Dow Gardens together. I will be thinking of him all weekend, wondering what he's doing and hoping he's OK, and that the fates bring him home safely on Sunday. I would say "bring him home to me" ... but remember, I'm doing the laissez-faire thing ... so I'll reserve that for a later time. For now, just bringing him some safely is great for me. All good things come to those who wait. And wait. And wait some more.

Speaking of Sunday, that's my birthday. I'll be 27. It seems so strange to think that I'll come home to my apartment on my birthday, alone, without R. I'm totally not looking forward to it AT ALL. Maybe Cupid's just running a little late this year ... and he's just planning on bringing me one helluva birthday present.

Here's to a great Friday tomorrow. After all, tomorrow is another day.