Maybe I'm A Girl And Maybe You're The Only Man
Who Could Ever Help Me
Baby Won't You Help Me Understand

Tonight really was a tough night. I had to pick up some CD-R's from R this evening, and I spent a few hours with him and Princess (it's his weekend with her). It was really hard to realize what had happened, because at the time it was so easy to do. We spent a good hour just sitting in the hammock that we brought back from our trip to Mexico, with R and the dog and Princess, just like we were a family again. I managed to make it through the entire ordeal, which at the time felt really nice. I was actually fine until I got home and watched the encore presentation of The O.C. season finale. I watched the exchange between Marisa and Ryan at Julie Cooper's wedding, the one where Jem is singing "Maybe I'm Amazed" in the background (that's where tonight's title came from). Just listening to that song just brought a flood of thoughts and feelings. We really don't need to rehash what those are, now do we?

My current "theme song" (reference the 2/21/04 entry, titled "A Fish-ism"): "Move On" by Jet.

Well I been thinking 'bout the future
But I'm too young to pretend
It's such a waste to always look behind you
Should be lookin' straight ahead

Yeah, I'm gonna have to move on
Before we meet again
Yeah, it's hard
If you had've only seen

10.34: Flinders Street Station
I'm lookin' down the tracks
Uniformed man askin' am I paid up
Why would I wanna be that?

Yeah gonna have to move on
Before we meet again
Yeah it's hard
If you had have only seen
Take control
Don't be afraid of me

'Cause every once in a while
You think about if your gonna get yourself together
You should be happy just to be alive
And just because you just don't feel like comin' home
Don't mean that you'll never arrive

Yeah I'm gonna have to move on
Before we meet again
Yeah it's hard
If you had have only seen
Take control
Don't be afraid of me

Yet another heartbreak.

Scott Wolf is off the market. What's a girl to do when her teenage crush is suddenly unavailable?

Memorial Day

Happy Memorial Day. Please take the time to investigate the site for the National World War II Memorial. My paternal grandfather's service is finally being honored (he was a WWII vet).

God bless all of our veterans, living and gone. Thanks for all of your dedication, your sacrifice, and your love. As DramaQueen says ... "Hate the war, love the warrior."

Cinderella Girl, Cinderella Girl
You're the fairest girl in all the world!

Sorry if I've been absent, I'm judging yet another state pageant. I was a winner for this system in 1997, and was promptly "retired" and entered into their hall of fame. I performed at their welcome luncheon today, and just hung out and "pageanted" all day.

I realize most folks don't understand that "pageant" can be both a noun and a verb! But, it is. To "Pageant" means to hang out and talk all day, "dish" about goings-on in other programs, and catch up with those you haven't seen in a long time. The competition isn't really the important part of the process, it's the social aspect of it all.

Anyhow, no news on any front of interest. No R, no anyone else, nada. The cat's still bad, my house is still trashed, and the laundry is still not folded. But there is pageanting to be done!

Who is Rance?

A fun little blog by an "undercover" Hollywood A-lister ... check it out ...

http://captainhoof.tripod.com/blog/

MALE FACE STUDY

A study conducted by the University of Texas Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of male face a woman finds attractive can differ depending upon where she is in her menstrual cycle.

For example, if she is ovulating she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features. However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she is more prone to be attracted to a man with scissors lodged in his temple and a bat jammed up his ass while he is on fire.

Further studies are expected.

(thanks to DolliQ for that one!)

What's On your 'favorite summertime snacks' list Right Now?

Robek's "Big Wednesday" smoothie is leading the way right now. I'm doing the best I can to eat healthier. And I'm pretty sure that I could live on that tasty concoction of papaya, berrrrrrries (as Princess says) and sherbet. I can just add different Nutri*Beks to fulfill my nutrition needs, and VOILA!

You and I
Were so full of love and hope
Would you give it all up now?
Would you give in just to spite them all?

(Tonight's subject is brought to you by the nice folks in a great little band called Doves.)

Not a whole lot to say tonight. Got a note from Gal-Pal this morning, and her grandfather passed away overnight. Today at work was long, but productive. I had a lot on my plate today, but my mind kept wandering back to St. Louis. I've been thinking of her all day, because I've been there recently ... it's tough. Even though, in both of our cases, their deaths were a relief of their suffering, it's still hard to face it. With all that said, I'm pretty tired.

No feedback from R's doctor yet. Thanks to everyone that's sent healing energies and kind thoughts. I'm hoping that no news is good news ... because I sure could use some good news right about now.

The Bad Cat.

My poor cat is going through a period of adjustment. He's spent the better part of the past month at my mom and dad's. The poor little thing, he's been on vacation. My mom must have just sat under him for days on end ... because he about had a convulsion when I walked through the door tonight! Now, he's home, and mommy makes him mind! He doesn't like this too much.

I've recently discovered indie music. I got hooked on some really great stuff through The O.C. Mix 1, and now I go back there and listen a few times a week. I really like Jem, and am taking a good liking to Annie Minogue as well. Some of the stuff on there is marginal (at best) but is worth your listen nonetheless. Anything beats the prefabricated crap that's playing on most top 40 stations right now. But I do need a Morning Zoo fix on my way to work every day.

I want to go hear Saving Jane next Thursday, and invited R to go with me. We shall see if he goes. I think I will go, even if he doesn't go. I can't wait for the summer jazz concerts to start at Easton!

American Idol: For once, I agree with Simon. That song was Fantasia's acceptance speech. Diana got intimidated, and flubbed up "Don't Cry Out Loud" (which should have been her strongest song). She is only 16 years old, so I'm not terribly concerned for her future. I have a pretty good feeling that she'll be OK.

I took some great photos of Princess this weekend. If you want to see them, drop me an email. I'll send you the link to the album.

TUESDAY. IS. CHOOSEDAY.



either leave your answers or a link to your webpage with your responses. mine are in the comments below.

Would you rather:
1. your best friend overhear you telling somebody else a deep secret about them OR your child overhear you venting your frustrations about your significant other?
2. learn an obscure language only spoken by 15 other people on the planet OR be able to guess somebody's exact birthdate, just by looking at them?
3. have eyebrows that grow in VERY bushy, daily, no matter how you try to prune them OR make a sound like a tuba whenever you blow your nose?
4. have a job that makes $200,000 a year, but you only get to see your family once a week for 3 hours OR make just enough to survive from check-to-check, but be able to see your family whenever you want?

Do any of you have a completely unremarkable friend or maybe a houseplant I could go to dinner with on Saturday night? --Miranda on Sex And The City

Riddle me this: Why is it that I am alone? I mean, I'm relatively attractive (a former model/beauty queen/enter any American symbol of physical beauty here), I'm intelligent (have one college degree, and working on another), and I have a lot of love and compassion to give. It's really tough right now, because of everything I have swimming around in my head.

R is ill, and I'm really torn. He has been having chest pains, and finally went to the doctor's. Well, they thought, as he is only 29, that he was just having some anxiety attacks. They gave him some medication that should have taken the edge off and solved the chest pain issue. Well, that didn't help. He went this morning and had even more blood drawn to check cholesterol and other things. If it comes out like everyone thinks it will, it's likely that he will need a heart cath. I really had intended to walk away from him, and had done it for a full week. But I'm so concerned about him, that I finally told him that I had purposely left him alone for a week, and that I was concerned. He replied with a very sweet, and very "un-R" type of response that took me off guard. I'll continue to be supportive from a distance, but that'll be it. The ball is in his court, and I do hope that it works out. But I'm also not going to overlook the possiblility of someone nice to go out with ... even if it's a nice houseplant.

I'm really weary of all this. I don't know what to do anymore. I realized this weekend that I really don't want to move "home" to N.E. Ohio. I don't feel at "home" here in Columbus anymore. I just am floating along, not on any particular tack. Maybe I'll find my home port soon.

OH and PS ... Lunasea ... B isn't my home port. I remembered today why we split up in the first (and second, and third) place ... he's an undependable tool. So, put your spellwork to someone that is actually worth your time and pixie dust. LOL

I'm a little tired, a little wired, and I think I deserve a little appreciation!

In case you haven't noticed, most of my post titles are from songs or from movies, or are "quotable quotes". Most of my inspiration comes from popular culture. Today's title is from a favorite flick of mine, Gone In 60 Seconds. It's actually one of the few DVDs that I fought R over when we divorced. I know it's a cheesy movie. I know that it's certainly not Nicolas Cage's best work. But DAMN, Angelina Jolie as a blonde? That is enough right there to make me think about playing for the other team. As she says, she's a sucker for a redhead ... I definitely fit THAT bill!

Anyhow, back to the title ... that's how I feel today. I'm exhausted, to the point of being wired. And I feel awful. Let me explain. I took Princess up to my mom and dad's this weekend, because my mom is ill (I have mentioned that she is in the advanced stages of systemic lupus, haven't I?). I had planned on going to watch the Mrs. Ohio International pageant on Saturday night, but mom wasn't feeling well, and I decided not to go at the last minute (even had proper care set up for Princess) because mom was miserable. Well, my friend won. She won a MAJOR title, and I wasn't there to see it happen. I am a bad friend. Nationals are in Chicago ... maybe a road trip is in order. That would set my karma right again, I think. And to compound matters, didn't have time or energy to hook up with Mr. Ducati whilst there. Being the "good daughter" is terribly draining. I really hope to get some peace and quiet here at home, as R has Princess tomorrow and Tuesday night.

Anyhow, I'm glad to be home. I'm actually spending next weekend at home, judging a state pageant that I won in 1990-something (again, NOT telling you what year). It will be nice to spend some time at home, just relaxed. R has the princess, so hopefully I can get a little cleaning done, and make my bedroom presentable again ... just in case I should ever need it.

Besides ... "What do you think is more exciting , having sex or boosting cars?"

Fast cars. And fast bikes.

Headed up to the parents for the weekend, to take Princess to Cherry Blossom.

I need a little excitement in my life. And I just happen to know someone that has a very expensive and very fast Ducati. MAV says I should drop the dime and go have a little fun. We shall see.

Have a great weekend, I will try to check in and write if anything (or anyone) interesting happens.

A bittersweet day.

Bitter: Jerry Orbach is done with Law And Order, tonight is his last show. I just love him as Lenny Briscoe. It really is a loss to a great show. A funny "Briscoe-ism" ... "He had sexual narcolepsy ... he just kept FALLING into bed with her!" I'll miss Jerry Orbach.

SWEEEEEEET! (as B says): Jasmine is GONE. It is about DAMNED time. If I had to hear Ryan Seacrest call her "JAZZY" one more freaking time, I was gonna go freaking postal.

I've spent the past two days in a "presentation skills" class. I actually took it off my boss' hands. I really wasn't into spending two days in a class that I feel I really don't need (I'm not what you would call "shy"), but I gained some major karma points. Tomorrow, back the the grind. Thankfully, I only have two days of it this week.

I have been really overwhelmed with "life" this week, so much that I haven't really pursued much with dating. You're probably going "what? where did that one come from?" In case you missed the clue, I've decided that I'm tired of being alone. R has made little effort to initate conversation, so I refuse to do it. I realize that I don't have to chase him, or anyone for that matter. Strangely enough, I'm really comfortable with being alone anymore. Sure, I miss the physical contact of having someone around. I really do get lonely sometimes, but I don't miss the uncomfortable feeling of wondering what he's thinking. I am trying to free myself of toxicity in my life, and the all-encompassing feeling of despair and worry was starting to take its toll on me. If you read back in the archives, you'll see that I was really at a "down" place in my life. I wasn't eating, or sleeping. I have battled depression before, and didn't want to go back down that spiral. I wasn't going to allow R to force me back down that spiral. I have been through far too much, and come WAY too far, to allow him to "rent space in my brain" anymore. I think I'm a great woman with a lot to offer. And any man that has me around his life is truly a lucky man indeed. And if it's R, he needs to earn my trust and my love JUST LIKE ANYONE ELSE would be expected to. I keep asking myself if I would tolerate that behavior from any other man I'd date ... and the answer is a resounding NO. But until R realizes what he's missing, he will be relegated to the "ex-husband" column. I won't bend over backwards to initiate conversation, or invite him to dinner, or out to movies, etc. Any communication initiated by me will be for a particular and specific reason.

Why? Well, in my opinion, my time will be far better spent pursuing a relationship that will eventually pan out. Will the relationship with R ever pan out? Only time will tell. But I won't concern myself with continually pouring my heart out until he decides that he's totally missing the boat ... because I may be missing someone special in the meantime.

Even though I'm blogging daily, it's still hard. I saw photos that the brigade took at sweet Lily's funeral this weekend, and they continue to haunt my soul. I can't imagine the heartache that her family is enduring. I wish that there were more things that I could do to help them. I just will continue to get the word out about SIDS, and continue to be an advocate for the cause. That's the best thing I know how to do.

WHAT'S ON ... RIGHT NOW?

What's On your 'I always put this off' list Right Now?

I hate laundry.

Let me rephrase that ... I hate FOLDING laundry. I have piles and piles of clean laundry EVERYWHERE. My bedroom looks like the clean laundry bomb went off in there. It's a good thing that no one other than me, my daughter, and my cat ever see it ... because it's really freaky.

Besides, when I put away laundry, I realize the unnatural amount of lingerie that I own. It is really freakish.

Sooooo ... what's on YOUR list?

PS ... note the new addition to the linky goodness ... John Kerry Is A Douchebag But I'm Voting For Him Anyway.

TUESDAY. IS. CHOOSEDAY.



either leave your answers or a link to your webpage with your responses. mine are in the comments below.

Would you rather:
1. while visiting new york city, fall from the 4th floor of a building OR get hit by a bicycle messenger?
2. kiss somebody with severe chapped lips OR eat lunch next to somebody picking a scab on their arm?
3. live next door to a registered sex offender OR a recently released murderer?
4. always talk like your nose is stuffed up OR talk with a lisp?

No act of kindness, no matter how small, is ever wasted.
--Aesop (620 BC - 560 BC), The Lion and the Mouse

Note the addition of the "donate now" button to the sidebar. The Brigade is raising money to purchase a leaf on The Tree Of Hope for Lily. Whatever you can afford to give, be it $5, $10, whatever ... it's welcome. I'm really tight on cash right now (paying off debt, etc.), but I sent $10 in McD's gift certificates and a $5 donation to the fund. Every little bit helps.

We not only have the SIDS Alliance project in the works, but we also have other projects for Ani and her family: hiring a cleaning service a few times a month, working on a quilt, a scrapbook, and many other things. We have a nationwide network of people pitching in to help the family. All money raised will benefit Lily's family.

As Bartles And Jaymes would say ... thank you for your support.

life is a highway
i'm gonna drive it all night long

I am so road-weary. I have been travelling up to mom and dad's in Akron for each weekend for the past five weeks. One more weekend, this weekend, and then I will get Memorial Day weekend off from travelling. I really need a rest! My poor cat has been staying with his grandma and grandpa for the past week, just so he doesn't have to spend all that time in his bye-bye box (his carrier). It's 2.5 hours each way, so it's not fair to expect him to spend 5 hours a week in a plastic box that is just a big longer than he is.

Next weekend, I'm taking Princess up to my hometown festival! I've been going to Cherry Blossom since I was a tiny little girl, and I was even the Miss Teen Cherry Blossom Queen back in 1990-something. (Like I'm going to tell you what year! Ha!) There's always a nice parade, a plethora of food, and fun rides. Princess will have a great time, as her auntie that LOVES to spoil her (my sister) is excited to come and spend time with her that weekend too.

This past weekend, I was the "assistant" to Girlfriend, as she competed in the Mrs. Ohio pageant. She didn't win, but she did a GREAT job in my opinion. I also made it over to Joann Fabrics and bought the patio lights I've been wanting. I tried to purchase some ribbon and rosettes to make SIDS Awareness ribbons, but the stupid store was out of both items! I'll have to go today and try to buy some.

Sweet angel Lily's funeral was yesterday. Some of the brigade went down to be with Ani, and they say she's holding up OK. I really do worry that she will be OK. I know she is so strong, but I can't imagine her pain right now. That is something that no mother should EVER have to face, and my heart just aches for her and her family. Please, take the time to read a bit about SIDS. It's truly an evil, silent killer.

R news ... he called me this morning, just to chat about his weekend. It was nice, he was really positive about it! I'm glad he's feeling better.

No news on the relationship front. OH OH OH with one exception. Remember how I had mentioned that I had joined match.com? Well apparently, I'm not the only one that has done so. Dig this ... found B on there. I sent Lunasea a link to his page, so that she could do the appropriate spell over his photo. If you want to see, e-mail me, and I'll tell you his "username".

It's the baby fuss-fuss.

Forgive me if this is disjointed.

A bunch of my friends are leaving right now to head down to Ani's house. Sweet baby Lily's funeral is Sunday. My financial means are not at a place where I could hop a plane and go ... even if I could afford it, there's no flights out of Columbus to Little Rock at this short notice anyhow.

I was so angry and frustrated at Princess last night, she was SO BAD. I mean, we had to leave Target because she wouldn't quit arching her back and screaming in temper fits. I was so super embarrassed. And I got so angry driving to work this morning at her, because she kept yelling MOMMY! MOMMY! MOMMY! until I would say "what!". One time though, I said what and she points to herself and goes ... "It's the baby fuss-fuss". Baby fuss-fuss is what I used to call her when she was so little and tiny. At that precise moment, it totally hit home. I'm sitting here bitching that my kid is "bad" and that she makes me so angry ... and Ani is preparing to bury her child. What is my problem? I should be THANKFUL that she's so ornery, and blessed that she wakes up every morning and says ... "Hi Mommy!" I should rejoice that she jumps on the bed, instead of yelling at her not to do it. I don't know if I could survive without my little fuss-fuss.

You have no idea how much my heart is breaking lately. It's like my body just can't make enough tears to keep up with what life keeps handing me. I know that God doesn't give you more than He trusts that you can handle ... I just wish He didn't trust me so much. And I wish He'd quit continually rubbing salt in my wounds while He's at it.

Again, sorry if this is disjointed ... don't mind me ...

I held your tiny hand for but a moment
I will hold you in my heart for a lifetime

Now that the entire brigade (including Drama Queen) has been notified, here's what's going on. I waited until one of the brigade could get a hold of her (she is busy getting her life back together with her newly-home-from-the-war husband, and I know she stops in to read here pretty often).

A friend of ours lost one of her tiny, precious identical twin girls yesterday morning. Sweet and tiny Lily was taken from us by the silent killer called SIDS. Please take a moment and hold your children a little tighter tonight, and keep Ani and her family in your thoughts and prayers. SIDS was always my biggest fear when Princess was a tiny baby, as a friend from high school lost her sweet son to SIDS, and the memory of helping to carry that tiny white casket, and loading it into that dark hearse is permanently etched into my brain.

I'm not going to write about anything else tonight, because I want this message, and its magnitude, to stand alone. I'm off to check on the Princess (as I've been apt to do several times a night now).

you're in the arms of the angel
may you find some comfort here

Until all of our circle of friends have been notified, I will refrain from posting too much about it. But suffice it to say that tragedy has struck someone I'm close with ... a member of our "brigade" (not "The Others", which includes MAV, M, A, Miata, Z, etc.). My heart is broken, and I don't know what to do to help her.

Lucky for me, I was busy all day at work, and will continue to be busy tomorrow as well. I'll stop in tomorrow after we get a hold of everyone, and fill you in.

Love to all ... spend some time tonight holding your children tight. Revel in their sounds, their touch, their smells ... enjoy them.

Don't need you to tell me I'm pretty
To make me feel beautiful
Don't need to you make me strong
'Cause I'm strong on my own

I just got home from helping Girlfriend pack her bags for her competition this weekend. Man, she lives out in the freaking BOONIES! It's a 45 minute trip each way!

Anyhow, I realized this afternoon that I really don't miss competing. Every so often, I get that pang of sadness, that tiny voice questioning me "what if". I decided to forgo my last two years of Miss A eligibility to live with R and get married. And every so often, I look around at my life and wonder "what if". But you know what? I am pleased with the outcome. If I hadn't walked the path I have chosen to walk, I wouldn't be the strong and self-assured woman I am today ... with a dynamite daughter and a great career. But from time to time ... I still have crown lust. Every so often, it would really be nice to have that validation that I'm pretty, and have worth, and blah blah blah.

In the past two days, I have worked 22.5 hours. I'm exhausted. I'm headed to bed to "rest up" now, because My Princess comes home to me tomorrow.

Oh, and one more thing. Can you all say a little prayer for R? He's been having some anxiety attacks and some pretty severe chest pains for a little while now, and he was going to the doctor this afternoon. At one point, he was taking a lot of Ephedra stuff, and I'm really afraid that he has done some nasty damage to his heart.

I am really conflicted right now, because every bone in my body wants to just show up on his doorstep and tell him that I just want to take care of him, but I know that isn't what he needs. He needs to struggle through this on his own, and ask me for help if/when he wants to. I can't "fix" this, so I might as well not even try. Hopeless just isn't my color anymore.

TUESDAY. IS. CHOOSEDAY.

Would you rather:

1. one day at a job you like, have your boss catch you masturbating OR sending out resumes to other employers?


2. be seen on a date with a beautiful woman that was actaully a man OR be seen on a date with a really ugly skank that smelled bad (courtesy of genuine)


3. be on a totally nude beach all day long (with no chance of escape) without any kind of sunscreen or shade OR use the nastiest construction-site port-o-potty (out of severe need) that is lacking toilet paper? (courtesy of shaunacat)


4. be the first one to know the world is ending OR be the last one to know the world is ending? (courtesy of ilgondo)

A PUBLIC SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT!

Please take some time today and surf on over to Drama Queen's house ( CLICK HERE TO DO IT ) . Her husband, a military man stationed in "the sandbox" is coming home TOMORROW. Leave her a comment, and tell her how much you appreciate the sacrifice her family has made. Agree with the "war" or not (I think we ALL know my views by now), it's families like hers that are paying the price of deployment. Show her a little love.

Paradise is exactly like where you are right now ... only much, much better. --Laurie Anderson

I'm exhausted. I just got home from work. Yes, it's after 9 PM EST. And yes, I start work at 8 AM EST. I happen to have some pretty specialized software knowledge, and one of the departments that I want to break into needed some help with that software. So, I worked in their "world" from 10 AM till a little before 8. Then, I had to stop at the Verizon store and exchange my cell phone. They were able to exchange my phone for the exact same one I had before ... and they even moved all my numbers over to the new one! I'm a lucky girl.

No real news on the relationship front. I realized that my social circle here in C-Town is pretty limited to just "couples". So I did what any desperate gal would do ... put an ad on Match.com. (if you want to see it, just email me and I'll tell you my username.) I look at it this way ... even if I just meet some new friends, it's worth the internal strife of knowing that I'm "one of those women". Truthfully, I'm really tired of being alone. I have waited now for nearly three months ... since I've told R how I feel. Maybe C is right ... someday he'll grow up and realize what a mistake we made. But I can't wait around forever for him to get his head on straight. Besides, I need a date for M's wedding in May next year. I figure I should have plenty of time to find someone, right? At the stellar rate I've been going, I should start now. Hell, I should have started three months ago. sigh ...

Another random thought ... I'm really considering sending my info into the Swan show. Damned Z got me hooked on it. I was all on my high and mighty horse, that I wasn't going to condone that sort of sensationalistic television. But for Meghan's sake, if someone wants to spot me $100 grand worth of plastic surgery ... I may consider it! But only if they don't make me wear opera length gloves. I hate opera length gloves.

Oh and today's "WHAT THE HELL" moment: my fish died. I don't understand, he had food, clean tank, and more love than most other fishies. I think I know what happened ... I named him. Every time I name a fish, it dies. R.I.P., Nemo.

Happy. Mother's. Nose.

Sorry I've been AWOL this weekend, I have been super busy. I left on Friday night to head up to mom and dad's, right after work. Spent Saturday running errands, and today is Mother's Day.

We got up this morning and went to brunch at a great restaraunt by the airport. Then, we stopped at WalMart to pick up some sheets for Princess' bed at their house (she's been sleeping in a pack n play when we are there, and she can now scale the side). While there, my mom was trying to get Princess to say "Happy Mother's Day" and Princess just looked at me and said "MOMMEEE! Happy ... muddersh ... ummm. NOSE! hee hee hee hee hee!" I guess it's the thought that counts.

R called today to wish me a Happy Mother's Day, and also to tell me that his engine in his car had died. My stupid cell phone battery was getting ready to die, so I had to cut the conversation short. Besides, I had a little girl in the backseat that really wanted to talk to MOMMMEEE! all the way home.

so no one told you life was gonna be this way
your job's a joke, you're broke, your love life's D.O.A
it's like you're always stuck in second gear
when it hasn't been your day, your week, your month, or even your year

Did you watch Friends tonight? I got tickets to the Columbus finale party, and went with a friend of mine (haven't mentioned her yet ... we shall call her Miata, after her beloved convertible). Fun times. I was totally overjoyed when Ross stood up and saw Rachel standing there in the doorway. Inspiring, yet sad at the same time. It made me sit up and take notice that I do have an awesome group of friends ... Gal-Pal, Girlfriend, M, A, Z, MAV, C, E, and Miata too! There's more out there that haven't been drug into the not-so-dirty-laundry yet, so watch this space.

Tomorrow is Friday, thankfully. I'm headed up to my mom and dad's for the Mother's Day weekend, with my Princess. I'm trying to decide whether I want to "drop the dime" on R tomorrow. I guess this odd holding pattern that I'm in is OK for me for now, as I'm so busy that I don't have time to concentrate on "things" and brood upon them. I'm totally engulfed in helping Girlfriend get ready for Mrs. Ohio next week, so I won't have a lot of free time to worry, obsess, and overanalyze every tiny move.

Well, maybe there's a God above
But all I've ever learned from love
Was how to shoot somebody who outdrew ya
It's not a cry that you hear at night
It's not somebody who's seen the light
It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah

Yet another busy day at work. I had meetings all morning, and then worked on reconciling a database all afternoon. I know, it sounds so boring and trite. But what I do really is important, because I help protect the firm from infractions of such trivial laws as the Fair Credit Reporting Act and the Real Estate Settlement Procedures Act. Did you know that one infraction of either of those acts could bring fines totalling $2 BILLION? No pressure on me, really.

Nothing new on the R front. Just more brooding and whining. I think I'm on the "upswing" of this whole "let's feel sorry for ourself" thing ... digging out of the valley, as it were. To quote more of today's "theme song" (reference the 2/21/04 entry) ...

Baby I've been here before
I've seen this room and I've walked this floor
I used to live alone before I knew ya
I've seen your flag on the marble arch
But love is not a victory march
It's a cold and it's a broken Hallelujah

In other news, R has Princess tonight. I came home and picked up all of her little toys that were strewn about the living room. This house is really quiet without her here.

Tomorrow night is the Friends Finale party downtown. I'm excited, as I'm going with friends. R couldn't get out of his consulting job to go (hey when they pay you $80 an hour, you don't turn em down). That's OK, we'll have a good time, rub elbows with the channel 4 folks, and watch a piece of history unfold. Maybe a certain attractive sportscaster-turned-morning show host will be there ... I'll pack more business cards in my Kate Spade (just in case).

PS ... the title and the lyrics in the middle are from a song I heard on The O.C. tonight. I think I may pick up Mix 1 this weekend.

What's On ... Right Now?

THIS WEEK'S TOPIC ... What's On ... your 'favorite games' list ... Right Now?

I'm totally hooked on Squelchies and PopFu (both are POGO games). I like board games, especially Cranium!

Check it out every week ... What's On ... Right Now?

You spin me right round, baby
Right round like a record, baby
Right round round round

That's what I feel like today. I'm just spinning in circles. I continually am cycling between a "happy" time and a "sad" time. I am on a "down" turn for right now. I have this issue with self-loathing from time to time, as my self-esteem often gets drained by the R situation.

I mean, my friends often tell me that I'm a great catch, and that any man would be lucky to have me. I've been told that I'm attractive, fun, and intelligent. So this begs the question: why can't I just make R see what the hell he is missing? I know that I cannot control other people, really I do. But if anyone happens to have a way to gently stab R in the ass with a cattle prod, I'd greatly appreciate the info.

All of this whining stems from the fact that we had lunch today. I went there (looking particularly hot, if I do say so myself) with full intention of laying all my cards out on the table. Well, I was totally distracted by having such a wonderful lunch with R, that I didn't bring it up. It was one of those things that didn't "hit me" until I had pulled away from the curb. For someone with an IQ in the "genius" range, I sure can be stupid sometimes.

I got back to my office afterwards, and wrote out a long letter to R about what I want and need from him. As if he would respond to it, but anyway ... I didn't send it, I saved it to my "drafts" file. I think I may wait and see what happens for a little while longer, as he mentioned he had something in the works for me for Mother's Day. I guess I think like this: if he didn't care about me (as more than just his "ex wife"), would he bother with such trivial things? I mean, if I didn't care about someone, I certainly wouldn't be bothered with a Hallmark holiday. I think what I told Wayne is accurate ... this whole divorce thing would be a lot easier if I hated him.

Work is a bit overwhelming right now. I have a lot of things going on, and I'm actually glad it's keeping me busy. Keeps my mind from wandering, really. But there are days like today that I really want to just let it wander, because I need to just be alone inside my head. It's a pretty scary place.

Make sure you comment on "TUESDAY IS CHOOSEDAY" below. It's a fun one.

HEY! GUESS WHAT!



today is a special celebrity edition of tuesday is chooseday! so, either leave your answers or a link to your webpage with your responses. my responses are in the first comment below. check em out.

Would you rather:
1. while camping, have to cut your arm off with a pocket knife because it got stuck under a boulder and you were trapped for three days OR suck snake venom out of a snake bite in richard simmons' ass?
2. have both your feet amputated at the ankles OR be in a 10 round, bare-fisted, cage match with mike tyson?
3. perform oral sex for 2 minutes on paris hilton OR anna nicole smith?
4. be in a big-budget, action flick with paul reubens (pee wee herman) OR a low-budget, artsy film with jesse ventura?

Only the lonely
Know the heartaches I've been through
Only the lonely
Know I cry and cry for you


Tonight, I'm feeling very frustrated. Tonight is one of those nights that I wish I had a partner here with me to tackle the Princess. Apparently, R has slept with her on his chest all weekend long. And this, as other toddler parents know, creates a monster. Particularly in a child that is being constantly shuttled from house to house. I need help sometimes, and it's really hard not to have it.

I am on that side of the ebb-and-flow where I beat myself up. I'm on the valley of it. I'll be all "high" and happy for a while, and then it hits ... I'm alone ... and it sucks.

E-mailed back and forth with R today for the whole day. It was nice. He did fess up to the whole radio station party. I pretty much let him know that I thought it was crappy, and he told me that he was tired of women and dating ... and that he's breaking it off with the woman I affectionately refer to as "the bar whore". Apparently, she's not taking it well. Is it mean of me to think "too bad, so sad"?

Guess what ... I won tickets to Columbus' Friends Finale Viewing Party ! I invited R, and he is going to find a sitter for Princess (Thursday is his night). I'm going, even if he doesn't. So there.

I'm going to try to sleep here soon. I have a feeling this will be a long night with Princess.

Take a look around
I'm the sunshine in your hair
I'm the shadow on the ground
I'm the whisper in the wind
I'm your imaginary friend
And I know I'm in your prayers
Oh I'm already there

It's so hard on these weekends when Princess is with R. I just feel so empty without her. I just got home, and headed for the fridge ... and there was her little sippy cup waiting for her to come home to drink the juice in it.

I spent the weekend at mom and dad's. It was nice to have no pressure and no worries, but I totally missed my sweet girl. Saturday, we got our project off the ground. We had some great conversation, and it looks like we are going to have a wonderful time. Today, I got up at 9 AM, and dad made me pancakes. And then I just vegged out all day long in my beloved yoga pants and a sweatshirt. Took a nap, and drove home. Paid $1.79 a gallon for gas. UGH, why does it have to be so expensive?

For those "inquiring minds", no I didn't go and see B. Strangely, now that I'm out of that "rebellion and validation-seeking phase", I feel like I'm cheating on R when I think about anyone else. I guess it's because I'm still in this God-awful limbo phase. I looked really hot on Saturday (if I do say so myself), but I just didn't go. I drove by, but didn't stop. Besides, I didn't see B's truck there (it's pretty unmistakable, a HUGE red Suburban with custom plates. He needs that to pull his big ol boat). Anyhow, I think I would have felt totally guilty about being there if I would have stopped.

This week, The Weather Channel says that it will be dry and warm. I hope that they are right, as I've had far too much rain in my life lately ... literally, and metaphorically.

11:45 UPDATE: Need advice, please comment appropriately. Suppose a certain person was dragging themselves over the coals, trying to prove her love to her ex. She has, time and time again, poured her heart and soul out to said ex. And suppose this ex has given little feedback over time to her. Then, suppose that said ex turns up in photos at a specific "Divorce' Soiree" for a radio station, basically a "meat market" for divorcee's. Would I ... errr ... she ... have a right to be pissed? And suppose that she's really tired of waiting, and really lonely. At what point would it be fair to tell him that she wants some resolution to the continual emotional rollercoaster she's been on for more than two months?

I sent a note to R with the subject line of "Important." I wasted no words by telling him this, and only this: "We need to talk. Monday or Tuesday, lunch or after Princess is in bed. Call me and tell me which works best for you. Thanks."

Thoughts?