A bittersweet day.
Bitter: Jerry Orbach is done with Law And Order, tonight is his last show. I just love him as Lenny Briscoe. It really is a loss to a great show. A funny "Briscoe-ism" ... "He had sexual narcolepsy ... he just kept FALLING into bed with her!" I'll miss Jerry Orbach.
SWEEEEEEET! (as B says): Jasmine is GONE. It is about DAMNED time. If I had to hear Ryan Seacrest call her "JAZZY" one more freaking time, I was gonna go freaking postal.
I've spent the past two days in a "presentation skills" class. I actually took it off my boss' hands. I really wasn't into spending two days in a class that I feel I really don't need (I'm not what you would call "shy"), but I gained some major karma points. Tomorrow, back the the grind. Thankfully, I only have two days of it this week.
I have been really overwhelmed with "life" this week, so much that I haven't really pursued much with dating. You're probably going "what? where did that one come from?" In case you missed the clue, I've decided that I'm tired of being alone. R has made little effort to initate conversation, so I refuse to do it. I realize that I don't have to chase him, or anyone for that matter. Strangely enough, I'm really comfortable with being alone anymore. Sure, I miss the physical contact of having someone around. I really do get lonely sometimes, but I don't miss the uncomfortable feeling of wondering what he's thinking. I am trying to free myself of toxicity in my life, and the all-encompassing feeling of despair and worry was starting to take its toll on me. If you read back in the archives, you'll see that I was really at a "down" place in my life. I wasn't eating, or sleeping. I have battled depression before, and didn't want to go back down that spiral. I wasn't going to allow R to force me back down that spiral. I have been through far too much, and come WAY too far, to allow him to "rent space in my brain" anymore. I think I'm a great woman with a lot to offer. And any man that has me around his life is truly a lucky man indeed. And if it's R, he needs to earn my trust and my love JUST LIKE ANYONE ELSE would be expected to. I keep asking myself if I would tolerate that behavior from any other man I'd date ... and the answer is a resounding NO. But until R realizes what he's missing, he will be relegated to the "ex-husband" column. I won't bend over backwards to initiate conversation, or invite him to dinner, or out to movies, etc. Any communication initiated by me will be for a particular and specific reason.
Why? Well, in my opinion, my time will be far better spent pursuing a relationship that will eventually pan out. Will the relationship with R ever pan out? Only time will tell. But I won't concern myself with continually pouring my heart out until he decides that he's totally missing the boat ... because I may be missing someone special in the meantime.
Even though I'm blogging daily, it's still hard. I saw photos that the brigade took at sweet Lily's funeral this weekend, and they continue to haunt my soul. I can't imagine the heartache that her family is enduring. I wish that there were more things that I could do to help them. I just will continue to get the word out about SIDS, and continue to be an advocate for the cause. That's the best thing I know how to do.