You spin me right round, baby
Right round like a record, baby
Right round round round

That's what I feel like today. I'm just spinning in circles. I continually am cycling between a "happy" time and a "sad" time. I am on a "down" turn for right now. I have this issue with self-loathing from time to time, as my self-esteem often gets drained by the R situation.

I mean, my friends often tell me that I'm a great catch, and that any man would be lucky to have me. I've been told that I'm attractive, fun, and intelligent. So this begs the question: why can't I just make R see what the hell he is missing? I know that I cannot control other people, really I do. But if anyone happens to have a way to gently stab R in the ass with a cattle prod, I'd greatly appreciate the info.

All of this whining stems from the fact that we had lunch today. I went there (looking particularly hot, if I do say so myself) with full intention of laying all my cards out on the table. Well, I was totally distracted by having such a wonderful lunch with R, that I didn't bring it up. It was one of those things that didn't "hit me" until I had pulled away from the curb. For someone with an IQ in the "genius" range, I sure can be stupid sometimes.

I got back to my office afterwards, and wrote out a long letter to R about what I want and need from him. As if he would respond to it, but anyway ... I didn't send it, I saved it to my "drafts" file. I think I may wait and see what happens for a little while longer, as he mentioned he had something in the works for me for Mother's Day. I guess I think like this: if he didn't care about me (as more than just his "ex wife"), would he bother with such trivial things? I mean, if I didn't care about someone, I certainly wouldn't be bothered with a Hallmark holiday. I think what I told Wayne is accurate ... this whole divorce thing would be a lot easier if I hated him.

Work is a bit overwhelming right now. I have a lot of things going on, and I'm actually glad it's keeping me busy. Keeps my mind from wandering, really. But there are days like today that I really want to just let it wander, because I need to just be alone inside my head. It's a pretty scary place.

Make sure you comment on "TUESDAY IS CHOOSEDAY" below. It's a fun one.