Don't need you to tell me I'm pretty
To make me feel beautiful
Don't need to you make me strong
'Cause I'm strong on my own

I just got home from helping Girlfriend pack her bags for her competition this weekend. Man, she lives out in the freaking BOONIES! It's a 45 minute trip each way!

Anyhow, I realized this afternoon that I really don't miss competing. Every so often, I get that pang of sadness, that tiny voice questioning me "what if". I decided to forgo my last two years of Miss A eligibility to live with R and get married. And every so often, I look around at my life and wonder "what if". But you know what? I am pleased with the outcome. If I hadn't walked the path I have chosen to walk, I wouldn't be the strong and self-assured woman I am today ... with a dynamite daughter and a great career. But from time to time ... I still have crown lust. Every so often, it would really be nice to have that validation that I'm pretty, and have worth, and blah blah blah.

In the past two days, I have worked 22.5 hours. I'm exhausted. I'm headed to bed to "rest up" now, because My Princess comes home to me tomorrow.

Oh, and one more thing. Can you all say a little prayer for R? He's been having some anxiety attacks and some pretty severe chest pains for a little while now, and he was going to the doctor this afternoon. At one point, he was taking a lot of Ephedra stuff, and I'm really afraid that he has done some nasty damage to his heart.

I am really conflicted right now, because every bone in my body wants to just show up on his doorstep and tell him that I just want to take care of him, but I know that isn't what he needs. He needs to struggle through this on his own, and ask me for help if/when he wants to. I can't "fix" this, so I might as well not even try. Hopeless just isn't my color anymore.