This IS a joke, right? RIGHT???

It's God damned cold. I hate winter. Let me rephrase that ... I hate winter when I have to sleep alone.

T is pouting because I was busy at work all day long. I had virtually no free time, and didn't have time to write or call today. He's also less than thrilled because I need to get some sleep. I have a very busy day ahead of me tomorrow, and can't afford to stay up all night.

I wrote a really long and heartfelt letter to R today. I laid my thoughts, feelings, and heartache out on the table. We'll see how he responds.

I'm really tired, so I shall head to bed. No lovin today. AWNSDI: $15 at Office Max for a file box and folders. I also got my W2's and other assorted tax forms today, save for my W2 from my job from Jan - June. As soon as I get that, I'm filing. I need the money.

At what price?

Enough of my self-loathing. I refuse to wallow in my own pity any more. At least publically. So, back to my usual self.

I was just watching a Travel Channel special on Hong Kong. Did you know that at one of the exclusive night clubs there, that you can order a hooker? They have, like, 1,000 of them just wandering about. The narrator said that it is not atypical for the women to clear $50,000 a month! But I don't think that I could put up with some of the freaky shit those women do for $50K a month.

My new handbag came today. I didn't even make it inside from the mailbox ... I opened the box with my key. It's lovely. I already put my new stuff in it!

I am miserable tonight ... I can't believe that I am reduced to something as pedestrian as laundry. I need a maid.

The usual updates: No boys today, sorry. And believe it or not ... NO AWNSDI today either. It's not that I didn't try, but Virgin was out of the dvd I wanted. My day is a big fat zero. ha ha

More tomorrow.

Shitty day, redux.

Saying that my day sucked is a totally dramatic understatement.

I tried to call my mom this morning, and Verizon had shut my cell phone off. I've been paying it off $100 or $200 a month (had a nearly $600 balance), and only had $102.62 left to pay. Dig this ... the overdue amount? $2.62. I offered to get 262 pennies in a walmart bag and take them over to the Dublin processing center. They did not find this amusing. Problem solved.

My spot audits last week ... people pulled only what they wanted me to see, and their files are not complete. I busted them out, and they all tried to turn it around on ME. Luckily, I furnished their bosses with the written directives I had sent. I learned to cover my ass. LOL

I had to go to the OBGYN this afternoon. I have been bleeding, cramping, etc. My uterus is tilting farther and farther, and she said that my ovaries are harder than they should be. I'm lucky, thus far, because the rest of the women in my family have had hysterectomies by the time they are 35, most by 30. I just hope that I will find peace with this soon, because R and I had dreamed of having two kids, and ... well.

I am so sad, and very lonely. Being dealt a blow like this is so hard. And handling it alone, is even worse. A lesser woman would have crumbled under pressure like this. But I just enjoyed my daughter, and cried when she went to bed.

AWNSDI: spent the following ... $15 doctor copay. $20 cash from ATM. $29 and change for household needs (laundry soap, fabric softener, milk, wax paper ... yes, wax paper). earned the following from ebay sales ... $37.13. Balance ... spent only about $27 today. Not bad, considering.

my immortal

when you cried i'd wipe away all of your tears
when you'd scream i'd fight away all of your fears
and i've held your hand through all of these years
but you still have all of me

Tonight, I'm really sad. I'm tragically sad.

I feel really lonely. I know I shouldn't, but I really miss R. Not just the fleeting "he's-been-a-part-of-my-life-for-so-long" miss him, but instead I miss him with my whole heart and soul. When does this part of the healing process end, and the rest of my life begin? I have, thus far, been able to quash this awful empty feeling by just remembering about her , but I continually feel like I failed somehow. I know I didn't, because I remained faithful throughout the whole marriage. But I feel terribly and miserably empty.

I keep thinking to myself: "Self, this is the man that has systematically emotionally, mentally, and financially destroyed you. Why do you love him?" I guess the answer is simple.

I just do.

AWNSDI: $1.67 for breakfast. Désolé, c'est tout.

Call Me Martha.

I love my sewing machine. There is something oddly erotic about the hum and vibration of it as it pieces together a supple material. There's something phallic about watching the needle plunge in and out of the fabric. I think it's terribly therapeutic. I made a slipcover for my second nightstand for my boudoir. It's turning into quite the lovenest. I went with a tropical theme, and I'm piecing it together little by little.

Again, I spent the better part of the day at home. I only ventured out for a few short minutes, then retreated quickly into my cave. So, AWNSDI = A BIG FAT ZERO. For two days in a row. YAY FOR ME.

T is off again. He stopped by for a little "lunch" this afternoon, prior to departure. I'm terribly sad when he's gone. How I wish he'd choose a life less travelled.

Hibernation = Good. Snow = Bad.

First allow me to share my newest addition to my "favorite links" ... WARNING, NSFW ... A How-To Guide For Oral. Enjoy, use it to your advantage, and report back with your "findings".

Now, onto the daily dose of nothing. Still have a nagging headache, but with the first-class shitty weather, I'm not terribly into leaving my house. Call me a hermit all ya like.

Not tonight honey. I have a headache.

I hate migraines. They make me want to put my head through the wall. I have consumed the following drugs today, just to try to stop the pain:

4 Excedrin Migraine
4 Tylenol Extra Strength
2 Vicodin
3 ice packs

Mind you, I NEVER take the vicodin. Not unless I am really really hurting.

So, anyways, I didn't do anything terribly interesting today. I slept the better part of the day away. But here are a few of my random observations for the day:

1. Name brand eggs ... why? Don't they all come from the asses of chickens? What makes name brand eggs any freaking better than regular ol' eggs? I don't get it.

2. How can people get hooked on Vicodin and want to take it all the time? All it did to me was make me sleepy.

3. When you are sick, you don't spend any money.

4. I am a recent convert to the church of "Ashton Kutcher is hot".

5. Although he still doesn't usurp my #1 "God Damn Is He Hot" ... Josh Duhamel. mmm. Tasty.

PS ... Give me 8 inches and make it hurt. We got tons of snow. YAY!

YESTERDAY'S AWNSDI: $15 at Jo-Ann's in thread and new bobbins for my sewing machine. But someone else bought my lunch and dinner, so I came out far ahead.

Man update: Are you nuts? I've been unconscious all day, and I'm about to go back to sleep again. Not a chance today. LOL

May cause numbness, vomiting, and a strong urge to finger-paint.

I swear, I'm losing my mind. I think I'm going senile. I'm pushing 30 (not TOO hard, but shall we say that I'm past Jessica Simpson's definition of "mid-20's"). And I can't remember a five item list. For instance, I've needed wax paper at the grocery store for the past three weeks, but do I remember to get it? Hell no. But I have an inordinate amount of canned mushrooms and Hamburger Helper. And that, my friends, will not make chocolate covered pretzels for you.

Christ, next thing you know, I'll be *that lady* with 28 cats. I need some of those drugs they advertise on TV for Alzheimer's. If it weren't for the damned side effects ...

Anyways, the girls are on their way. They are running late (imagine that), and won't be here till after 1. That's OK, because it's almost noon and I'm still in my ripped pajamas with a hole in the ass. I'm sooooo hot. I'd do me.

Private message to the nice person that informed me ... I *KNOW* I bungled the title of the book below. I am fully aware now that the proper title of Mr. Franken's book is indeed "Lies and the Lying Liars Who Tell Them". Please accept my deepest apologies. Now, go find something useful to bitch about, please.

Lying Lies And The Liars That Tell Them.

Check's in the mail. I won't come in your mouth. I'll call you this week.

I give up. I happen to be able to take a hint. Mr. I-Love-Myself-Because-I-Can't-Be-Bothered-To-Call-Anyone-Else can take a flying leap. At least I got some hot monkey love out of it. On to bigger and brighter people. Nope, not bitter.

At any rate, it's been a long day. I'm overworked and underpaid. I should be cleaning right now, but I'm not. I hate cleaning. But, on the off chance that I pick up some random hottie ... maybe I should clean.

Strangely enough, I realize that, when I clean, I have an inordinate amount of lingerie. I can't comprehend why I have so many pairs of panties. It's almost a sick, bizarre, obsession with me. If loving whorey underwear is wrong, I just don't wanna be right. But the question remains ... is there a man out there can handle all of my idiosyncracies? My shoe fetish, my incomparable lust for all things lacy, and my desire for designer handbags?

Boy Update: Already let you in on my piss-poor love life. No need to re-hash that shit.

AWNSDI: $30.00, Kate Spade knockoff purse. $3.29, breakfast. $2.18, diet pepsi and granola bar for lunch. But, you can't really count the breakfast and lunch, as they were from the cash I withdrew yesterday. Therefore ... today's grand total is $30.00. I have also listed a whole bunch of crap on eBay to try to make some moola.

I -heart- my fireplace.

It's damned cold. Here in sunny Ohio, it's going to be a whopping 23* tomorrow. That sucks. I need a man to keep me toasty-warm. Any volunteers? I have one in mind, but he can't use the God damned phone. It's a good thing he's brutally hot.

I've been super swamped at work lately. I have far too many irons in the fire, but it makes the day pass quickly. For instance, do you realize that today is already Wednesday? Two more days this week of work. Yay for me.

Saturday, we are launching "Operation MAV". The girlies and I have our sights set on helping a good friend get ready for a major pageant, so they are coming to "play" on Saturday afternoon. I shouldn't say "play" because it will be a big day of work. But it will be really worth it.

My ex went to the doctor this evening, which is quite odd. He doesn't go to the doctor unless he's super duper sick. His mom is in this week, so I'm really concerned. I shouldn't be worried about him, but I can't just turn off my feelings like that. I really should just let his girlfriend worry about him (you know, the one he's had for several months now ...) but I can't. UGH, I hate this.

Anyways, on to the things people actually come here to read:

LOVE LIFE: Nada. Although while on my little sabbatical, I did pick up a new friend. He's pink and takes a single AA battery. He's also waterproof. I'm taking suggestion on a name. The ex is still holding my Rabbit captive.

AWNSDI: Found a $8 money order in my wallet. Deposited it. Withdrew $20 cash to cover food for today and tomorrow. Debit card purchases: $10.50 for lunch (damnit, forgot my lunch I packed), $25.12 for gas (dummy light was on). So, basically any ground that I gained yesterday, I lost today.

NEW ADDICTION: A dandy blog from a sex-industry worker. A frightening look into the life of a peepshow gal. WARNING ... this link is NOT safe for work.

If I had a million dollars, I'd buy you a monkey.

Haven't you always wanted a monkey?

I should take a cue from MidgetBigot's site, and do a "adventures with not-so-disposable income". I realized today that I am po. I'm so broke that I can't even afford the other "O" and "R". It sucks.

So, for today's AWNSDI: Breakfast at the cafe from work, $2.40. Period. That's all I bought today. Roni took me to lunch, so that was nice. I spent the entire meal poking at my pizza and crying.

I made dinner here at home. And I have enough to cover lunch for tomorrow. This whole being frugal thing really bites. But I just have to make it till the 15th, I think. I hope.

Boy-Toy Update: No news. And this is actually a good thing, as I'm in such a pissy mood that no one should be subjected to it.

I'm planting my own garden.

I was reminded of this poem this morning. Its truthfulness is strangely appropriate lately.

after a while you learn
the subtle difference between
holding a hand and chaining a soul

and you learn that love doesn't mean leaning
and company doesn't always mean security

and you begin to learn
that kisses aren't contracts and
presents aren't promises

and you begin to accept your defeats
with your head up and your eyes ahead
with the grace of a woman
not the grief of a child

and you learn
to build all your roads on today
because tomorrow's ground is
too uncertain for plans
and futures have a way
of falling down in mid-flight

after a while you learn
that even the sunshine burns if you get too much

so you plant your own garden
and decorate your own soul
instead of waiting
for someone to bring you flowers

and you learn that you really can endure
that you really are strong
and you really do have worth
and you learn and you learn
with every goodbye
you learn

Mmm. Tasty.

I'm eating my words.

I had a WONDERFUL time tonight. Here's the "Love Connection" version of it: He's kinda cute (I wouldn't say hot, but cute) and very nice. And charming. Six years older than me, never married, no kids, has a cat. Thinks my kid is adorable (I had photos with me, of course). But he has a fatal flaw ... he's a Republican. ha ha

Anyways, we went to PF Changs. I had the lemon scallops. YUM. I had a great time, and a nice little smoooooch. If he asks, I would definitely go out with him again. There's a spark there, I'd say.

In other news ... I called Mr. I-Don't-Know-How-To-Use-A-Phone-Unless-It-Suits-Me tonight. Left him a voice mail that I had acquired a souvenir from St. Louis and if he asked really really nicely that I'd show him. I'm assuming the three-day-rule will apply here. I'm supposed to have company this weekend (Saturday), but I would like to invite him down to my house Saturday nite. Thoughts?

Viva La Independence.

So, here I sit in the middle of the night. Writing. Why?

Shouldn't I be working on my plan for world domination? Or updating my 5-year plan? Or putting away my clean laundry? Alas, 'tis not to be.

Anywho. Tomorrow I have the day off. God bless the banking system. I'm headed to scrapbook the day away with my friend, and then I'm meeting a date @ PF Changs at 7 PM for dinner. Mark's been after me to go out with him for a few weeks, but I've managed to put him off. Well, I decided that I'm not going to sit around and wait for my life to pass me by. Damn it, I'm going to enjoy myself. So, off to dinner I go.

Plus, I bought some fun stuff at VS this weekend whilst in STL. Not like a need a reason to wear my new tanga's, but hey ... since I'm so good at rationalizing ...

Exponential increase of my "whore score".

I have been talking about it for years. And last night, I finally did it.

Yes, I have a tattoo.

I got it at Enchanted Dragon here in St. Louis (I'm visiting a friend for the weekend). I have always wanted to get one, and I finally broke down and did it ... So allow me to answer a few questions for you.

1. No, it didn't hurt.
2. Yes, getting it done was a rush.
3. No, I couldn't sleep last night from the endorphin rush.
4. Yes, I told my mother. She, in one fluid sentence, goes "what-is-it-don't-tell-your-father."
5. No, I didn't tell my father.

If you want to see a photo, just drop me a line.

How do I feel today? Sad.

Every time I think I'm cool with being single again, life comes and just slaps me upside the head.

See, today I had to brave the BMV. I am hoppin on a plane tomorrow to go see my gal-pal, and I made the reservations in my single name. The dilemma is that my drivers license is still in my married name. So I gathered my documentation, and my court papers, and off I went. As I sat there in the waiting room, it dawned on me that my life had come full-circle. I remember sitting there waiting with my crisp marriage license in hand, all excited to assume my new role as a wife ... so full of love and hope for the future. And today, I sat in the exact same place with the sad realization that I miss him. Maybe I don't really miss him, maybe I miss the idea of him. Maybe I miss my life as it was, not how it should be. My heart aches tonight.

What the hell.

If there is indeed a God, why does He hate me?

I have been overwhelmed at work, completely exhausted. Then my phone rings at work. My grandfather passed away. (reference my Veteran's Day entry on the other journal.) It's bad, I know ... but I am not really sad, per se. I just have a strange peace about it. He has been ill for so very long, and so I know that he truly is in a better place now. But still, this sucks.

Anyway, no contact from Mr. Permanent-One-Night-Stand. That definitely rates a "What The Hell". Not that I want a relationship from him or anything. See, he's a wee bit shallow ... well, a LOT shallow. And he smokes. He's undependable. I'm rationalizing, aren't I.

Fun Weekend Groove (aka ... you're a hot bitch.)

Call me Samantha Jones.

I pulled off an incredible feat this weekend. I had one hot hookup. And you know what? I don't think I really want it to go any farther than that. Is that bad? Am I going to hell for this one? Oh good. I didn't think so.

Anyways, the lucky man was my college flame. We hadn't seen each other in almost 7 years. Back in the day, we couldn't keep our hands off each other. Time changes many many things, but not that. He is still every bit as hot, maybe even more so. I believe the most accurate phrase to describe him is "very handsome and disarmingly charming". I would love to be inside his head and hear what he thought. Well, I have a pretty good idea what was going through his head at least three times that night. ha ha

It was damned hard to make it through dinner. Although, I do have to say that his choice in restaraunts is incredible. He chose a place that I would have chosen (had I known about it), and shared a few GG and tonics with me. Dinner was divine, but dessert was even better. And on Monday, I even sent him a bottle of wine with a card saying that.

One For The Road.

Hi. Welcome to my new home. The old one was getting a little boring, so I thought I'd come here. The new name is much more apropo, as I have indeed reclaimed my "groove". If you'd like to view my former blog, zip on over to How Martini Got Her Groove Back.

Anyways, the new title refers to my most favorite (well, current favorite) drink. If anyone is interested in sharing a little "libation" with me, drop me a line.