Goin' All "Murphy" On You People.



Click on the pretty little Cosmopolitan. Go to my new home.

Things To Do With $10,000.
Other Than Give It To Me, Of Course.

Has anyone else seen this? The $10,000 Martini

Also: The local radio station here in Cow-Town is giving away a $10,000 shopping spree at Easton Town Center - but the catch is that you have to use it all in one day. Ummmm ... The Diamond Cellar sells Tiffany & Co. Done.

All The Things We Want For Christmas.
(OK, not all of them. Just a few.)

Been a while since I've ranted about the nice folks that work here at TheFirm. There's been a whole new crop of annoyance to deal with lately, as the first two rounds of downsizing have went through and people have become complacent again. Oops, sorry ... forgot that Mr. Dimon's preferable euphemism is "right-sizing". Anyhow, courtesy of Girlfriend, LawnBoy, and other residents of TheFirm ... I bring you the lists we sent to Santa:

1.) LawnBoy wants a new person on the other side of his cubicle wall. This woman that currently is the bane of his existence is the same one that I ranted to some of you about ... the one that wore lederhosen for "Cultural Awareness Day". Mind you, she's 6'3", and maybe 300 lbs. She's HUGE. And scary. She's so not the kind of blonde you want to see in lederhosen! From a rant from LawnBoy ...

She set up her fucking Christmas village today at her desk. Then she left a tray of deviled eggs sit on the wall between us ALL DAY. Then she ordered lo mein for lunch and ate that shit at her desk. Then I noticed that she wore her "I love America" T-SHIRT to work today. Oh wait, I said "work today" which she HASN'T FUCKING DONE ANY OF ALL DAY.

Basically, it's been a running theme of unprofessionalism and it makes me sick. and I've had enough and now I'm going home. I HATE it that people like her work here. They are the anchor (literally, in this case) around the neck of every dedicated, hard-working person that works here.

I'll see ya tomorrow. I've had enough.

2.) I want my old TheFirm back. Yeah, some of the changes as a result of the merger are really positive (for instance, all exempt employees will now get a full four weeks' worth of vacation instead of the three weeks I get now, and when I move into an AVP slot in a few weeks my pay will increase by about $15K a year). But some of the changes suck major ass. I would really like to thank Mr. Dimon for completely upending most of the worthy intangible "fringe benefits" about this place. All of the changes made thus far are truly minor, but in Miss America speak, "it's the totality of all the elements" that really honks me off. For instance, we no longer have "casual Fridays". We can't even buy them (by donating money to the cause du jour). We also will not be having a holiday party this year, even though the WSJ just ran a big piece on how holiday parties do wonders for employee morale and end up aiding retention and increasing profit in the long run. Christ on a cracker, I couldn't even buy the f-ing highlighters I wanted, because they now micro-manage our supply orders to the point of requiring me to purchase crappy generic highlighters! There's not much I ask for in this world except for my Zazzle highlighters, pop-up Post-It notes in a color other than yellow, dry erase markers for my presentations in a color other than black, and a Sanford Uniball Gel Impact pen or three. Other than that, I can survive on crappy paper and cheap-o notebooks. They have twenty styles of leather-bound padfolios to choose from ... but can I get the stuff I actually CARE about anymore? HELL NO.

3.) Intentionally left blank.

4.) Girlfriend wants their HR partners to get off their asses and hire me already. There are two AVP positions in their department that are open, and a VP hiring one of them is quite interested in having me take one of her open positions. And by "quite interested", I mean "already burned up the phone line to the SVP over the division to find out what's the hold-up with posting the job out on the intranet."

There may be more later. I'll see who pisses me off in the next few hours, and if some of The Usual Suspects show up to occupy my day.

Until There's A Cure.



Protect yourself. Respect yourself. Educate yourself today, in observance of World AIDS Day.

Brown Paper Packages Tied Up With Strings
These Are A Few Of My Favorite Things ...

Here it comes. A random smattering of observations and rantings. The holidays give me even more stuff to complain about! Look out.

1.) All of my Christmas cards have been signed, addressed, and compiled. I need to pick up pictures tonight, as well as stamps at the post office. UGH, I have to go to the post office. Have I mentioned my disdain for that angry little government agency?

2.) Tomorrow is December 1st. I can (officially) begin my quest for an AVP slot tomorrow. TheFirm has strict rules about internal recruiting ... you have to stay in your position for a year prior to "posting out" of it, unless you get your supervisor's written permission first. Umm, yeah ... I'd rather DIE than tell my boss that I'm leaving until it's a slam dunk. Anyhow, my year is up tomorrow. I have a personal goal of being an AVP by the time I'm 30, and it looks like I'll make it about two years (and change) early. I've already "unofficially" submitted my resume for two slots that are open, and there's a good chance (I'd guess 75%) that I'll get one of them.

4.) Today's Tuesday. Wing day. I'll take six mild wings, potatoes with cheese, and celery with ranch, please. Hey, if I have to tolerate the department behind me and their ongoing fetish with fat-laden foods ... might as well partake myself. If you can't ignore them, join em.

5.) I am Princess-less on Christmas this year (it's R's holiday). I just realized that I will be at Mom and Dad's house, celebrating what we are calling "The Faux Christmas" on the anniversary of my divorce being final. It's great that I will be so distracted on a day that will be admittedly quite tough to handle. Last year, I realized on that day that I had a great network of friends, a total support system that is worth its weight in gold. Do you know that some of The Others came down, drank lots of beer and wine with me, dismantled my VCR, stumbled to Meijer's to buy a new one, and then watched pageant tapes until we passed out? As I slept, they literally cleaned my house from top to bottom, and asked for nothing in return but my friendship. Incredible. Anyhow, I'm really lucky to have such a great "safety net" of family and friends.

6.) Back to the department behind me. This one bony-assed girl gets up and goes to the bathroom, literally, every hour on the hour. She lugs her big-ass handbag with her, and is gone for like, ten minutes. Then she stumbles back to her desk, clutching a kleenex and sniffling. Woman, if you want to put your paycheck up your nose, fine. Please don't do it at work, OK?

7.) Today's yet another Jay-Z day. Spinning today: "Me And My Girlfriend". Although I love this lyric: "All I need in this life of sin is me and my girlfriend ...", I share Mombi's love for the "Bounce, bitch ... bounce ..." in "Can I Get A Fuck You".

8.) I'm becoming annoyed with some of the holiday advertisements on TV. If I see one more "Polar Express" commercial, I'm going to have to cut someone. Furthermore, a local jeweler (The Diamond Cellar) has seen fit to run these advertisements that have the underlying message of "if you don't come to our store and buy a $10,000 pear-shaped diamond necklace for your wife, she will leave your bitch ass". First of all: pear shaped? ACK! Second: I HATE HATE HATE commercials around the holidays that send the message that your love for others is quantified by how much you spend. With me, it really is the thought that counts. Any jackoff can walk into Zales and say "Here's $300. Pick out something nice for my wife." As far as jewelry goes, I have a few really nice pieces that I wear every day. I can't imagine actually wearing a massive necklace like that to such pedestrian places as work, or Taco Bell. Then again, if I had a spare $10K lying about, and could spend it on jewelry like that, I suppose I'd have someplace to wear it.

OOOOH lunch is here ... more later!

Socially Responsible Behavior.

I have a nagging migraine, so today's post will be about a nice little cause I support. I learned of it from Eden's blog, and have become increasingly infuriated with the message that our government mandates to be presented to our children. My daughter will know the facts about sex, respect herself, and be raised in a loving and open environment. She will NOT be shamed, made to feel like she is "responsible" for the physical aspect of any relationship, or kept intentionally in the dark to feed the ego of some conservative jackass.

Please take some time to read the No New Money site. Pay special attention to the excerpts from the "textbooks" that are used to teach our children. Write to your representatives and express your opinion.

I will be watching you and if I find that you are trying to corrupt my first born child, I will bring you down, baby. I will bring you down to Chinatown. -- Robert De Niro as Jack Byrnes in "Meet The Parents"

Well, spank me. I have been a bad, bad blogger. Has it really been since Thursday since I updated you all? Apologies all around. I was going to let this wait until tomorrow, but I was upstairs tossing and turning ... maybe getting this posted will let me sleep? OK, maybe getting this posted and taking some sort of pill that ends in the letters "PM" ... anyhow ... about that long holiday weekend.

After dining on the sumptuous Martini family turkey (as photographed in Thursday's post), there were naps taken, football games watched, more turkey and sweet potato pie eaten, and grandmothers returned to their respective nursing homes.

Black Friday was not spent in the usual manner. And by "usual manner", I mean "beating up bored housewives at the early bird sales because I'm a bitch on a mission". Operating capital did not allow for the usual trip to Target upon their harried opening (side note: is it getting earlier every year, or is it just me?). Instead, I waited until Princess was vertical for the day, and then made the trip to a Target near mom and dad's house (that is historically not a very busy one). Have you ever attempted to shop on the biggest shopping day of the year with a two-year-old? Christ on a cracker, that was interesting. Actually, Princess was pretty damned good, considering. I bought her the special from the snack bar (small soda and a small popcorn) for $1 ... best dollar I've ever spent. That occupied her to where I could actually get some shopping done. I bopped around a while and tried to think about what to get for D (I have two three things already, but I am really at a loss for some other stuff). I picked up a cute shirt for his daughter and a fancy hair thingy that Princess grabbed and said "Oh MOMMY! It's so cuuuuute! Dis is ... dis is for Jasmine.", and wrapped that up for her for Hannukkah (she's half Jewish, and D tries to celebrate the Jewish holidays in a small capacity to keep that as part of her life until she's able to make that whole "God" decision on her own). I also got her a My Little Pony with its own tiara for Christmas, and will stack it with her other stuff that I already have purchased for her. I'm DONE with Jasmine! WHOO HOO! How cool is that? I also got myself some flannel jammies. See, during the little jaunt to D's grandparents' house in NYC over Christmas, I don't think that sleeping in the buff will go over all that well. I also hit the totally pimp sale at Bath And Body Works and scooped up some wares for Princess' sitters (I always buy them something for Christmas).

After I got back to the parents' house, D called and he was bummed out. His ex actually, wonder of all wonders, exercised her visitation option. Piss poor time for her to decide to be a mom, but I digress ... he was pretty bummed out. So after a quick consultation with my mom, I called him back and told him to get his happy ass up to mom and dad's and we'd go grab some dinner and stuff. Almost three hours later ... D met the parents.

We hit up Swenson's for a late dinner, then came back to hang out with the 'rents. Went to bed at about 11 or so ... went to sleep about 1 AM, in true H and D style. How shameful, we got busy in my parents' house. Damn, being quiet is hard work!

Saturday morning, we got up, and moseyed into the kitchen. I made some of my trademark pancakes, and we ate ourselves silly. D went all "Rip Van Winkle" on me, and took a four hour nap. Hey man, when you are a single parent, you take full advantage of any and all "down time" you can get ... I caught a nice long hot shower and a nap m'self.

Saturday night after all of us got a well-deserved nap, we scooped up Princess and zipped over to my sister's house. She lives really close to Lake Anna Park, and they lit up the Christmas lights. Some of my sister's friends came over and hung out with us too (I tried not to obviously ogle her very pretty engagement ring, for fear of allowing myself to ask the inevitable "when's the big day" question ... the owner of said ring is due with their son any day now), then we went and walked around the lake when the lights came on. I took a few photos with the new camera phone, here's one of Princess looking really closely at some of the lights ...



We got back to mom and dad's house about 10:30, noted that my beloved Irish closed out the regular season with a loss to USC, bitched appropriately about how it will end up being USC vs. Oklaslowma in the Orange Bowl, put Princess down to bed, and then went to bed ourselves. I was super-tired and cranky, and was just ready to pass the hell out. But yet again ... no sleep till nearly 1 AM. Why, you ask? Because, yet again, we got busy in my parents' house. Could it be that Martini has finally met her match? Hmmmm ...

Sunday morning, eggs and bacon all around. My dad left for hunting camp at about 11, and then D and I did our civic duty ... we went out to the nursing home to see my grandmother. (Reference for those of you that don't understand why I am grumbling about this ... she spouts needlessly insensitive things sometimes, particularly when it comes to my personal life. For a small taste, read this post.) D was a total champ about it, and all was well. I maintain that he was only able to tolerate her because I had him all loaded up on Robek's before we went there. After Grandma, we went to Michael's to buy a new scrapbook. I needed a new one for Princess, as I recently noted that my pages with The Others and our debaucherous trip to Atlantic City didn't mesh well with all of the sweet Princess photos. A page titled "Yay For Vodka!" just doesn't play out well with "Baby's First Steps", you know?

Anyhow, as if there were any question whatsoever at this point: Ladies and gentlemen ... D is a total, total keeper. In one weekend, he's managed to meet my mother, my father, my sister, her husband, and my grandmother. And ALL gave him the thumbs-up. Next up: THE OTHERS. That'll be sink-or-swim time there, buddy.

Anyhow, time for bed. I'm exhausted. The drive home wasn't bad at all, just long. People tend to lose all sense of sanity and manners when a holiday weekend is involved. I can't wait to just sprawl out in my bed and pass the hell out. OK, that's a lie. I'd like for D to be in it with me, as I realize that I sleep better when he's there.

Princess is upstairs, fighting sleep like no other, and I just want her to give up the ship. She's had a long weekend of partying and eating a ton of junk, and I think it's officially caught up with me. I mean her. Dammit.

Till tomorrow ... love to all.

What A Fowl Day.

Happy Thanksgiving to all! I have a lot to be thankful for this year, but mostly that I've managed to make it through still alive.

Here's a photo of the Martini family turkey*. I made it myself.



I woke up this morning at 6:30 to get the bird in. As I was standing there (with my hand up the turkey's ass) rockin' out to a little Alicia Keys and Usher, I looked out back up to the lower forty (OK, not really ... my folks only have about 1.5 acres). And my heart just sank into my stomach. I almost threw up a little.

THERE. WAS. SNOW.

Look. My truck is covered in the white crap.


And the neighbors' woods? Covered.


Ahhh yes, late November in Northeast Ohio.


* OK, so that's not really our bird. But only because I didn't think about doing that. I really googled for a turkey photo, found that gem, and lifted it (but saved it to my own webspace) from a dandy blog that you should click here to read.