solid stone is just
sand and water, baby
sand and water
and a million years gone by

OK, maybe not a million years. Maybe ... just one. Usual disclaimer applies ... "don't mind the disjointed-ness" ...

Today's a bittersweet anniversary, of sorts. I should be sad, but instead I feel ... liberated. It was one year ago today that I issued the ultimatum that took me nearly six months to gather the courage to give. The conversation still sticks in my mind ... cold, unfeeling, and surprisingly not even angry. I didn't yell, or scream, or cry. The whole thing was just ... well, it was even, organized, and orderly.

I know, R. I know everything. I want you to listen to me. Really truly listen to what I'm asking for.
Go with me to a counselor.
No? Are you sure about that? Think really hard before you give me that answer. Still no?
Then, consider yourself served.

I'm not exactly sure how I should feel today. Society says that I should still mourn the loss of my marriage, that I am this horrible woman for not trying harder to "work it out", or further tolerate his indiscretion just for the sake of "keeping the family together". Truth be told, I think I've mourned enough for ten lifetimes. During the turn of the wheel of this year, I've cried rivers of tears, apologized for things I didn't even do, raked myself over the emotional and financial coals ... all in hopes that I could make it work. That I could "fix" things. And I couldn't do it. I failed. That hurts.

all alone, I
heal this heart of sorrow
all alone, I will
raise this child

Honestly, I think that today stings so much because it's a reminder that I broke a promise. The promise to love, honor, and cherish ... the only promise I've ever broken.

On the "up side" (there's always a "silver lining" with this girl): It's really nice to have my friend back. Things are slowly but surely getting to the point where I can trust him to tell him when I'm upset or sad (before I was terrified that he would use it against me in custody hearings). I'll never fully trust him again.

Thankfully, I have an alumnae meeting this evening. I'll need to go and be with friends tonight, because tonight at about 8:30 PM, I'll need one.