This thought gives me pause.

I mentioned to a friend in passing that I'm an avid blogger. She said "that's really cool and all, but what would happen if one of the subjects of your journal rants actually READ it?"

This thought gave me pause (I'm just full of "Fish-isms" lately). I've given R the link before, a while ago, but I'm not sure if he's ever bothered to read here. But if he did, it wouldn't bother me, really. He pretty much knows everything there is to know about me, to a point. I mean, come on, the man has seen me give birth ... there ain't much to hide after that one. I haven't mentioned the existence of J to him, because that's just something that we just don't talk about (other relationships). For some reason, that part of our lives is "off limits" in daily discussions.

What if J actually got here, by some random act of Googling? Hmm. Now, THIS thought gives me pause. I'm still in the whole "do I really want to pursue this relationship" phase of things (more on that in a minute). It would be a totally unfair advantage for him to be able to scroll through my past six months, and learn about all of my idiosyncracies and insecurities, all in one fell swoop. Granted, I'm no more nutso than any other woman out there, I just happen to be able to be open about (and laugh at) most of my shortcomings.

This is what I hate about dating: The "Game" of it all. It's the constant wondering what the other person is thinking, the total worrying about what the future will hold, if anything, and the stress and strain of just the "right amount" of communication (I tend to "over communicate" with people). With someone that you've been with for a while, there's a certain level of comfort that you have. You comfortably know what the other person is thinking, whether their fears are unfounded, and you pretty much know where you "stand". But on the flip side, the dizzying centrifuge of infatuation is really intoxicating. The way a person's smell sticks in your mind, the way it feels when their lips brush yours ... the way you catch them looking at you and brushing the hair off your face in the middle of the night. That's intoxicating.
 
But soon, the intoxication of a new relationship gives way to the "daily grind" of paying bills and going to work. The question then becomes: is this someone that will still love me if I have the flu and don't shave my legs for a week? At this point, I don't know if J's that kind of guy. And as we all know, the control freak in me HATES not knowing things like this.

Maybe arranged marriages aren't such a bad thing after all.