Because nothing sucks worse than feeling alone, no matter how many people are around.
-John "J.D." Dorian, in "Scrubs"
 
Today has been a rather miserable day.  First and foremost, TheFirm announced today that it was cutting yet another 2,000 jobs.  My division, by reason of low interest rates and small rates of mortgage default, is what you could call "upside down".  Consequently, most folks in my department spent a good portion of the day polishing their resumes and surfing the job boards.  It has been obvious that our good friends in HR prefer to do the slashing on a Monday morning, so I'm a wee bit paranoid for the weekend.  I've been downsized before, and it's not pleasant.  And it's also feeling pretty "familiar" in my little cubic-hell.

Adding to my paranoia: J.  I'm what you might call the "Florence Nightingale" type, I want to just "fix" everything.  This whole just stepping back and letting it "happen" thing is not what I'm used to.  Princess and I have a lot in common ... both of us like to ask "WHY WHY WHY", and then throw a tantrum when we don't get our way.  I'm an assertive woman, I've never made a secret of that, and I've never apologized for it.  I'm not passive, so standing back and letting someone else do the "pursuing" is a concept that's totally lost on me.  But, as per a discussion with Gal-Pal earlier today, I think it's a situation that could pan out if I just let it.  But I'm not going to go back to the "Not So Happy Place" that I was in with the whole R thing.   While I'm trying to clear my head, I even "hid" my match.com profile.  I have a lot of crap going on inside my head right now, and I don't think it's a good idea to pursue a new relationship of any type until the whole J thing gets resolved.

This weekend, I plan on going to see a movie.  I'm shining up my student I.D., and headed to the AMC.  If I have a date, great.  If I don't, that's fine too.   On Saturday during the day, I'll have to go into work (it's disaster recovery testing time). 

But you know, what?  Being alone is a bitch.   I mean, it's pretty cool for the first few hours and all, but pretty soon I get pretty lonely.  I just want someone to laugh at the same jokes, to make fun of the same people, and to watch a movie with.  Today would have been a perfect day for me to unlock the front door, drop my Kate Spade on the floor, and have someone just silently wrap their arms around me and let me sob and tremble uncontrollably ... all the while just telling me "shhh, it'll be OK, don't worry."  

It's days like today that I miss R.  I don't mean just miss him being around ... I mean I really really miss him.  It's hard to not just open up and tell him what's wrong, and just unload everything on him, and get it all out.  But we continue to do this dance where we don't talk about "others".  It's really dysfunctional, in a quite charming sort of way.

(now with tasty edited goodness at 11:54 PM)