and all the roads we have to walk are winding
and all the lights that lead us there are blinding
there are many things that i would
like to say to you
but i don't know how

Last night and today made me come to some stunning realizations. Epiphanies, if you will. Shall we start with yesterday?

At 9 AM yesterday, I got a phone call and frantic email from a friend at work. She informed me that Princess' sitter (her sitter as well) was having her baby ... three weeks early. I had a training class to lead yesterday afternoon, and could not bail out on it. Consequently, I had to make R go to get her at noon. He was less than thrilled, I think, but I believe he secretly was thrilled that he could get out of work. I was cranky, because people had been screwing with me since I walked through the door yesterday morning, and J was out on installs all day yesterday (so, no torrid email to keep my spirits up).

After work, I went home to change my clothes, and cruised over to R's house. Although it looked suspiciously like rain, we still cruised to the baseball game. Princess had a blast, she kept singing "unnnn ... twoooo ... free strike ... YOU OUT!" She actually made it through three and a half innings, nearly four! She likes "base-uh-ball"! She was super tired when we got home at nearly 10:30, and passed out without argument until almost 9:00 AM.

And to answer the burning questions: No, I didn't wear "the good underwear" (just plain ol' orange cotton bikinis). Nothing happened, and really, nothing's going TO happen I think. I mean, I had a great time, really I did. But I don't know if that pure animal magnetism is there anymore. We were more like two buddies going out for the night, complete with a game of "Real Or Silicone?" ... which I won by a significant margin. I guess I just don't "burn" for R like I used to. I don't have that "tingle" like I had before. Maybe I just needed last night to be "sure" about what I felt. And you know what? I sat there in the stands, drinking a beer, and kept letting my mind wander ... straight to J.

Today, I made two seperate trips to R's house. He worked really really hard to get a computer system up and running for me today. He's a great friend. I owe him a HUGE HUGE debt, as he has totally hooked me up.

So, anyhow, back to J (as that is what I most feel like thinking about right before I go to bed). I think there's more to the whole J thing that just him being hot, and great sex. I mean, yeah, those things are SUPER welcome. But it's an emotional understanding, a connection that goes deeper than just between the sheets. This scares me. As Fish would say ... "hmmm. This troubles me greatly." I think I've done my fair share of stupid things with even stupider people since seperating from R, and I think I'm frightened of becoming emotionally intimate with someone else. I guess I'm just afraid to have my heart broken again. I haven't emotionally invested myself in anyone I've dated since splitting from R (face it, T was a "rebound" that wouldn't have panned out regardless of his situation).

I suppose it all comes down to this:

and maybe
you're gonna be the one that saves me
and after all
you're my wonderwall